body image, Fight With My Mom, Homicide Adjacent, Husband

Week two, the scale remains untouched

I was/am apparently unready to voluntarily take on another stressful situation!

If it counts for anything, I do feel guilty about everything I eat now, and am in both a constant state of hunger and probably somehow actually eating more than I normally do, but whatevs.

In an unsurprising ode to American healthcare, every time I try to log into my healthcare funded weight loss website, the SIGN UP informs me that both of my email addresses are already in use, and when I try to LOG ON and tell them I DON’T KNOW MY PASSWORD, an automated box informs me that there is no password, I must SIGN UP.

I have twice emailed the company about this problem. The first email responded: I AM MAKING A TICKET, SOMEONE WILL REACH OUT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

A week passed. I emailed again. the second email responded: IT TAKES ABOUT A WEEK, QUIT BEING SO DEMANDING. GOD.

This is the third week. The only thing I get is a bunch of automated onboarding from the weight loss website, asking me about my experience so far. I DON’T KNOW. I HAVE NONE.

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HOMICIDE ADJACENT, BUT BARELY

My husband and I are doing a lot of middle-aged talking about growing up in this part of our lives. We have had both the homicide and in recent years, I have slowly but surely become estranged from my mother. Because both my sisters now live either within my mother’s house or down the block, and I live 5+ hours away, it is difficult to prevent that estrangement from growing to the rest of my family.

I was telling my husband that even though I no longer speak to my mother, I still ‘speak’ to her about once a week, entirely in my own head. LOL, it’s still an argument though, and I still get very riled up. There are many things to work out, and strangely, even though they intimately involve her, understanding our relationship seems to work better if she’s not actually there.

This is a good companion exercise to the homicide, in which my husband and I circle about, trying to figure out who we are in relationship to a person who could so violently erase another human being from the face of the earth. It is strange to become closer over such gruesome shared history. It also ads an element of danger to our relationship; now that the line has been crossed, who knows if someone else will cross it, like when one set of family members gets divorced and then suddenly multiple family members also separate, as if they were all waiting.

 

4 thoughts on Week two, the scale remains untouched

  1. I want to encourage you to eat whatever you damn well feel like because giving yourself a pass during stressful shitty times like this seems like the smallest possible kindness you can have. But then again, I totally understand how shitty it can feel to put on a little weight. It shouldn’t feel shitty! But it often does! And then you feel worse emotionally!

    I have nothing to offer but many exclamation marks!!!

    I wish I could bake you some cookies.

  2. I pursued retail therapy on my lunch hour today. Tried on a size up in jeans. It was unpleasant. But I did not leave weeping. I left with the one pair of jeans in my old size that fit along with some flannels and sweaters from the men’s department because SCREW women’s fashion where less fabric costs more money.

  3. Ugh. Dieting is another level of hell. I’m certain of it. Dieting by itself is almost homicide adjacent.

    As a relative of a serial killer, I hate that you know the feeling of having a relative capable of murder. Mine, at least, hasn’t been alive for a while now for me to have to dwell on, as he was put to death in 1996. Grade school was a nightmare though.

    Sending you some kind of weird, awkwardly bonded shoulder shrug of what else can we do. At least you aren’t following in their footsteps. ?????

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