While you’ve been preparing for nuclear war

(LOLOLLLOLL how? Except by not dying of Covid first, amirite? Presumably so you can be healthy enough to travel the post apocalyptic wasteland, eating fungus, avoiding cannibal hordes and promising you’ll use your last bullet on The Boy*)

I have spent the last few days being irrationally angry at the very diet program I asked to help me.

To be fair, when I signed up for this diet program, I did not imagine

a) them doing more than calling once a week to cheer me on or
b) my levels of rage attached with having to do one more goddamn thing.

They sent me a scale.

Then a few days later, they sent this:

Why am I so pissed? I can’t justify it. In fact, a scale seems like a useful item to have in a weight loss scenario. BUT OMIGOD, I am like the housewife who’s husband buys her a vacuum, but amped up to a 2022 level of unmitigated WHYGODWHYIHATEYOUWHYISTHISLIFE

I have three children and a husband, so I am capable of recognizing a temper tantrum, even when it’s my own. This one is baffling. Like literal WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM ANNE? YOU called THEM.

When I was younger, I thought ‘emotional eating’ was so much psychobabble, but I am here to tell you, when I try to unpeel why I am so angry, I do actually imagine myself eating something terrible for me and thinking, “Fuck you!” to whoever’s trying to get me to stop, and also “Fuck you!” to my own self. Like a suicide bomber with a square of fudge.

Peeling a bit more, I’ve come to the conclusion that sadly, life is so full of grind, stress and obligation, and has been for so long, I don’t feel like I can give one more thing. I can’t follow one more bullshit recipe that promises the mint I’m buying special at the grocery store is detoxifying my gut and the pink sea salt is leeching heavy metals from my blood

… although I can definitely cram a mouth full of Cheez-Its without once wondering why they are a color not otherwise represented in nature, or what that might be doing to me.

I imagine it’s probably time to get back into therapy, but I have this fear I’ll get up the nerve to go in and my good old therapist will look all harried with bags under her eyes and maybe a little bald spot from plucking nervously at her temple, and me being the kind of person I am

(parentified)

(and let’s be honest: quick to martyr myself in the hopes I can bitch about it later),

I will spend the session pretending we are pals and talking about small stuff so I can tell her how much she’s helped me.

Then I will go home and self destruct with food. Then I will bitch about her much in the way I’m bitching about the weight loss guys, who are only trying to help me and don’t deserve my scorn. But honestly, I just wish they’d shut the fuck up. Which I could tell them to do. But then I’d just be fat and unhappy with nothing to blog about.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You don’t need to hear this.

So here, hear this instead. Like me, it’s kind of depressing, but unlike me, it’s catchy:

*Fucking literary

PS: I’m also irrationally pissed off at the new Game of Thrones spin-off because everyone in my twitter feed is cheesing at the tragic portrayal of a guy who didn’t even ask his wife if she wanted to die by C-section, and how the actor deserves an Emmy. Fuuuuuckkkkooffffffff I am so sick of hearing the stories of dudes who apparently have multidimensional tragic personas based entirely on their bad decisions about women, the worst of which might’ve been to kill their spouse**,  especially when the person who died with zero agency was hauling all the ass and barely got three lines in the whole show and yes I know they are fictional but post Roe I am extremely fucking prickly. GOOD DAY.

PPS: Now all my anger is bubbling up I must edit to add, my boarding school which was recently turned over like a stone to reveal a squirming hotbed of sexual predators beneath (many of whom were at the school when I was and taught my classes and shit) is still protecting the faculty and headmaster who were there at the time, and the guy who admitted having ‘affairs’ with students is still a motivational speaker. You can hire him to come to your place of business and tell your people how to live a better life for a baseline fee of $10,000, so apparently the system works! FUUUUCK EVERYTHING.

**Close second would be fucking his daughter’s friend, but whooooo’s counting????