Links and The Crazy and Uncategorized and Weird Ramblings16 Jun 2008 08:57 am

Dear Diary,

I could tell the moment I woke up: Today was going to be a day like no other. The sun was shining and birds were chirping. I knew because guess what? My wrapping was open! I don’t think that’s ever happened before.

pregnancy test puppet annenahm

Free of my plastic restraints, I decided to call my BFF, Carmen. We went to the pool. It was pretty awesome. You can tell I totally need a tan. Give me a break – I’ve been sitting in a bathroom drawer for six months.

at the pool pregnancy test

Around noon, Carmen said we should order some drinks. So we did.

miranda p stick annenahm

Then, around two? This total hottie stopped by the pool.

ken at the pool with miranda p stick annenahm

We tried like mad to get his attention, but he was aloof.

ken aloof annenahm

Did I mention I was pretty drunk? ‘Cause I was.

miranda p stick pretty drunk annenahm

Carmen dared me to flash him. I totally wouldn’t. But then she said she would do it too.
I was all, “Carmen, you slut bagel!”
And she’s all, “shut up before I give you a gorilla mask!”
And I’m like, “You don’t even have the equipment!”

And then we both flashed our boobs.

miranda p stick topless annenahm

While we were doing it, the guy turned away and answered his cell phone. That was way harsh.

ken on phone annenahm

When he got off the phone, he was all, “Don’t be offended, ladies. I’m gay.”

And I was all, what?

And he was all, “I’m a bit of a butt pirate, darling. You know, sailing the single man sea?”

I fantasized about being a pirate with him for a moment. You know, kind of like this:

titanic annenahm

But more piratey:

miranda p stick pirate ken annenahm

And I was all, “….. Ok. I could deal with that.”

He said, “I do not think I mean what you think it is that I mean. Sorry, but our love was never meant to be.”

ken butt pirate miranda p stick annenahm

To cheer me up, he let me say “argh, Matey.” To his boyfriend on the phone. That did make me feel a little better.

anne nahm ken phone miranda p stick

It was a long day. Sad, drunk, and disoriented, I went home and curled into bed.

mirana p stick disoriented annenahm

I dreamed I was on a pirate ship, and the captain fell in love with me and we sailed away.

pirate fantasy miranda p stick annenahm

But then, as I was peacefully slumbering and vaguely hungry for some Captain Crunch, I was TOTALLY ABDUCTED! AS I SLEPT! I was so scared!

miranda p stick abducted annenahm

I can’t even tell you the shocking, vile, disgusting thing that happened. Let’s just say this: I’ll never stand under a sprinkling shower and feel clean again.

wet miranda p stick annenahm

And now I have this weird rash.

miranda p stick strange rash annenahm

Anyway, I hope next month is better.

PS: I’m down, but not out. Tonight, I plan on dreaming about a certain Man of the Sea coming to scratch my itch. Toodles!

miranda p stick pirate itch scratch annenahm

64 Responses to “The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick”

  1. on 18 Jun 2008 at 6:21 am HRH

    This is seriously funny. I am going to be giggling all day. Thanks.

  2. on 18 Jun 2008 at 10:30 am Kim

    This is only my second visit to your blog, but I must say…I MUST VISIT DAILY! I laughed so hard (up until the end…sorry) til I nearly peed my pants! Now I’m off to the next post…just had to stop and comment before I moved on before I forgot to comment!

  3. on 18 Jun 2008 at 7:42 pm Dana

    that totally rocked, lady! I have to say you made my (totally crazy-ss) week!

  4. on 18 Jun 2008 at 9:03 pm chakag

    You’re crazy. And, that’s why I love you.

  5. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:10 am Jane

    This was so funny I snorted. At work. And even then my male coworkers were too scared to say anything to “the girl”. I’ve got them trained right!
    I actually took a test yesterday too, but I really keep telling myself that I really don’t want to be pregnant, and I think I believe it, but for some reason when you see that negative, it sucks.
    The cool thing is that there is always next month.

  6. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:11 am Jane

    But waiting for next month sucks too.

  7. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:45 am Geeks In Rome

    I cannot wait for the next installment of “The Sea Wench Returns” starring George Clooney?? Johnny Depp? as your horny hooked captain.
    Don’t forget get rid of the salt peter!

  8. on 19 Jun 2008 at 7:31 am Shorty

    Why do I keep coming back to read this post? I’ve read it at least 5 times. Must be a keeper.

  9. on 22 Jun 2008 at 1:06 pm Good Mom / Bad Mom

    BS Sunday: Now even lazier…

    http://womanwithahatchet.blogspot.com/2008/06/omg-im-pregnant-with-twins-now-what.htmlHi. I’m irresponsible. This is Sunday, right? And we’re supposed to have BS Sunday up, sharing what we loved this week and here I am slowly recovering from last nig…

  10. on 22 Jun 2008 at 1:28 pm Jenny, Bloggess

    You? Kick ass.

    Featured: http://tinyurl.com/53gs4k

  11. on 22 Jun 2008 at 5:12 pm zenmomma

    Another perfect post from anne! In fast, I give it zenmomma’s triple P award for a Perfect Prop Post. The award also goes to my favorite Peeps post. :o)

  12. on 22 Jun 2008 at 6:45 pm manager mom

    OK. That is some GOOD SHIT right there!

    Who needs photoshop when you have such good propmaster skills!

  13. on 23 Jun 2008 at 6:51 am Deb (Missives From Suburbia)

    Miranda could use some surgical enhancements to compete with her friends on the beach, but I adore her hairdo!

  14. on 23 Jun 2008 at 11:47 am In the Trenches of Mommyhood

    Gah, you crack me up lady.