Links and The Crazy and Uncategorized and Weird Ramblings16 Jun 2008 08:57 am

The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick

Dear Diary,

I could tell the moment I woke up: Today was going to be a day like no other. The sun was shining and birds were chirping. I knew because guess what? My wrapping was open! I don’t think that’s ever happened before.

pregnancy test puppet annenahm

Free of my plastic restraints, I decided to call my BFF, Carmen. We went to the pool. It was pretty awesome. You can tell I totally need a tan. Give me a break – I’ve been sitting in a bathroom drawer for six months.

at the pool pregnancy test

Around noon, Carmen said we should order some drinks. So we did.

miranda p stick annenahm

Then, around two? This total hottie stopped by the pool.

ken at the pool with miranda p stick annenahm

We tried like mad to get his attention, but he was aloof.

ken aloof annenahm

Did I mention I was pretty drunk? ‘Cause I was.

miranda p stick pretty drunk annenahm

Carmen dared me to flash him. I totally wouldn’t. But then she said she would do it too.
I was all, “Carmen, you slut bagel!”
And she’s all, “shut up before I give you a gorilla mask!”
And I’m like, “You don’t even have the equipment!”

And then we both flashed our boobs.

miranda p stick topless annenahm

While we were doing it, the guy turned away and answered his cell phone. That was way harsh.

ken on phone annenahm

When he got off the phone, he was all, “Don’t be offended, ladies. I’m gay.”

And I was all, what?

And he was all, “I’m a bit of a butt pirate, darling. You know, sailing the single man sea?”

I fantasized about being a pirate with him for a moment. You know, kind of like this:

titanic annenahm

But more piratey:

miranda p stick pirate ken annenahm

And I was all, “….. Ok. I could deal with that.”

He said, “I do not think I mean what you think it is that I mean. Sorry, but our love was never meant to be.”

ken butt pirate miranda p stick annenahm

To cheer me up, he let me say “argh, Matey.” To his boyfriend on the phone. That did make me feel a little better.

anne nahm ken phone miranda p stick

It was a long day. Sad, drunk, and disoriented, I went home and curled into bed.

mirana p stick disoriented annenahm

I dreamed I was on a pirate ship, and the captain fell in love with me and we sailed away.

pirate fantasy miranda p stick annenahm

But then, as I was peacefully slumbering and vaguely hungry for some Captain Crunch, I was TOTALLY ABDUCTED! AS I SLEPT! I was so scared!

miranda p stick abducted annenahm

I can’t even tell you the shocking, vile, disgusting thing that happened. Let’s just say this: I’ll never stand under a sprinkling shower and feel clean again.

wet miranda p stick annenahm

And now I have this weird rash.

miranda p stick strange rash annenahm

Anyway, I hope next month is better.

PS: I’m down, but not out. Tonight, I plan on dreaming about a certain Man of the Sea coming to scratch my itch. Toodles!

miranda p stick pirate itch scratch annenahm

64 Responses to “The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick”

  1. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:06 am   babity

    Wait… Is that your test? I don’t want to jump to conclusions and say “Anne is pregnant!!!” But it sure looks like it!

  2. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:07 am   Anne

    :^) Is negative

    Anne

  3. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:11 am   babity

    *blushes*

    You can tell that it’s been a while since I’ve peed on a stick!

  4. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:12 am   Moi

    Sorry about the negative. But that is too funny. If only Baby J were there …

    8^)

  5. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:14 am   Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat

    How is that negative? They must make piss sticks different than when I did it. Also…you sure the play-doh didn’t eff it up? ;)

  6. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:15 am   Laura Lohr

    I totally wanted to read the story, but wanted to scroll down and yell, “WHAT IS ON THE STICK?!” LOL.

    Good luck! We are ttc this summer too.

  7. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:16 am   tanyalita

    Ah, the negative sign. Remember when that used to be a good thing?

    At least Miranda had a good time on the way to disappointment.

  8. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:37 am   Kira

    You are one twisted chick. I admire that.

  9. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:38 am   Kristina

    Congratulations not pregnant! I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but I don’t think I’ve ever said anything. I really like it, though. I guess it’s probably okay to read an anonymous blog anonymously, but I thought it’d be better to finally say hello.

    x

  10. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:43 am   Julie

    Damn, I wish I’d thought of this.

    …Which is the highest praise I am capable of.

    You, matey, are plank-walkin’ awesome.

  11. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:07 am   heels

    And here I’ve just been chucking mine in the trash. Very angrily, but in the trash all the same.

  12. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:08 am   Manda

    YOU ARE AN EVIL GENIUS!
    May your progeny inherit your creative streak.
    Congrats!!

    p.s. How do you have all this time? With kids? Do you send them to boarding school or what?

  13. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:10 am   Manda

    Oh, I just scrolled up … negative. With the brand I use two lines is positive. Oh well. You’re still a gas! And I mean that quite literally since I’m 8 mos prego!

  14. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:10 am   Heather

    Freaking hysterical post. But what does the R and C stand for on the test? Confusing.

  15. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:28 am   Mr Lady

    Wait..wait. That looks DISTINCTIVELY positive to me. Which is it, hoser?

  16. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:30 am   Anne

    If it is indicating pregnancy, there is supposed to be a “+” in the “R” (real box) the “C” (control) just has the “-” to show the pee got all the way to the end of the box.

    I lulz that the pop pee quiz has more questions that a Math Midterm Take-home. Here is more:

    http://www.factplus.com/home.php

    PS: On the home page of that website, does it totally look like the pee stick says “fuct plus” or is it just me?

    Anne

  17. on 16 Jun 2008 at 10:40 am   Neil

    Is this the next installment of Pirates of the Caribbean?

  18. on 16 Jun 2008 at 11:20 am   karen

    Effing, totally effing hilarious! Good luck, with whichever answer you want, Anne.

  19. on 16 Jun 2008 at 11:31 am   Sam

    You’re right, now you’re Fuct! PLUS more deep dicking. Don’t ask how that makes sense to me. It just does.

  20. on 16 Jun 2008 at 11:38 am   ali

    miranda p. stick looks way hotter in a bikini than i do. crap.

    here’s hoping next month is better for you.

  21. on 16 Jun 2008 at 12:10 pm   Jeremy (Discovering Dad)

    This is one of the funniest and most creative posts I’ve seen in weeks. Glad Mr. Lady shared the link on Twitter. I’ll be back!

  22. on 16 Jun 2008 at 12:32 pm   Catizhere

    Be careful with that hook, Captain, you could put an eye out, or something.

    OOoh! Or like the Captain Morgan Spiced Rum commercial….. Isn’t it time to get a little captain in you?

  23. on 16 Jun 2008 at 12:46 pm   Craig

    This post is the most amazing thing I’ve seen ever. Hysterical!

  24. on 16 Jun 2008 at 2:36 pm   Jennifer

    Freaking hilarious.

  25. on 16 Jun 2008 at 2:44 pm   Helen

    There is something about this post that makes me want to take drugs.

    And I’ve never taken drugs.

    I’m thinking now might be a good time for me to start.

  26. on 16 Jun 2008 at 2:48 pm   elle

    I want to be you. Some of the shit you come up with is so sick and wrong it is right.

  27. on 16 Jun 2008 at 3:21 pm   kat

    :::scratches head::: Did I smoke something today?

    No, wait! It’s Anne… Phew!!

    My butt is on the floor. I laughed it off.

  28. on 16 Jun 2008 at 5:19 pm   Velma

    I love your total commitment to these elaborate dioramas. You are, in your own warped way, a true artiste!

  29. on 16 Jun 2008 at 5:43 pm   MommyTime

    This post ranks right up there with the Peeps one which got forced me to subscribe on like the second day I ever read this blog. You are more creative than anyone I know. Also? Extremely talented with the play doh, matey.

  30. on 16 Jun 2008 at 6:00 pm   Erica

    That has got to be the most fun a PT ever had!

  31. on 16 Jun 2008 at 6:26 pm   Shorty

    I think Miranda kicks Baby J’s ass. Sorry, baby J but your jello walking just doesn’t compare to a pee stick hitting on a gay barbie.

  32. on 16 Jun 2008 at 6:31 pm   the new girl

    I want to see that workshop of yours, where baby j and the peeps and the pee sticks come alive and party all night.

  33. on 16 Jun 2008 at 6:31 pm   Sheryl

    You are too funny.

  34. on 16 Jun 2008 at 8:57 pm   susan

    Crack. Ing. Up. This entry officially makes me want to set up a shrine to your divine Anne-ness. Genius. Pure comic genius.

  35. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:36 pm   b

    I prefer ass bandit, but I guess it wouldn’t fit the pirat theme. Thanks for the laugh, this was excellent.

  36. on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:37 pm   b

    oops, I mean pirate.

  37. on 17 Jun 2008 at 4:10 am   Linda/RV Vagabonds

    What a way to start my day–great imagination and artistry!

  38. on 17 Jun 2008 at 6:37 am   Somedayme2

    I can’t believe after reading that post and laughing so much…that YOU madame would have any doubt about your writing capabilities! So great…thanks for the great start to what was shaping up to be a shitty day. YOU are the BEST!

  39. on 17 Jun 2008 at 6:51 am   superblondgirl

    I loved that. You rock, Anne. And I can’t believe that you peed on Play-Doh.

  40. on 17 Jun 2008 at 7:12 am   All Adither

    All the cute ones are gay.

  41. on 17 Jun 2008 at 9:52 am   When your pregnancy tests go wild! « O Românc? în USA / A Peek into my Life

    [...] used my share of pregnancy tests. To think that all of mine were as dull as sticks! Not one bit of Miranda P. Stick  spirit in [...]

  42. on 17 Jun 2008 at 10:44 am   AmyinMotown

    You’re so twisted. That is hilarious.

  43. on 17 Jun 2008 at 12:03 pm   Angela

    So funny! I totally looked up Fact Plus online to see if that meant you were pregnant.

  44. on 17 Jun 2008 at 2:17 pm   Shannon

    Hang in there, Miranda P.! And don’t worry, that hottie has shown his face around my house, too. He’s totally flaky! It’s not you, it’s him.

  45. on 17 Jun 2008 at 4:54 pm   Babybound

    Thank GOD its negative. I mean who needs a pirate baby running around with that wooden leg?!?!

    O. But sorry its negative.

  46. on 17 Jun 2008 at 4:55 pm   Kerri Anne

    This? Was hilarious.

    Here’s to more rashy lines on Miranda P. Stick’s next big adventure.

  47. on 17 Jun 2008 at 5:14 pm   kristin

    You’re a genius! A genius with a lot of spare googly eyes,but a genius nonetheless!

  48. on 17 Jun 2008 at 8:30 pm   Jozet at Halushki

    BAH HA!!!

    Oh Anne with an e…I’m sorry it was negative.

    And suddenly feel so much closer to you having now seen your pee on paper.

    Such mixed emotions from this one post.

    And now I will kiss you.

    xx

  49. on 18 Jun 2008 at 1:47 am   Maria

    I bet Baby J would cheer up Miranda.

  50. on 18 Jun 2008 at 2:18 am   Puntabulous » Post Topic » Random Notes

    [...] Read this genius post titled “The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick” from Anne Nahm. You won’t be sorry. Me and Anne are totally best friends now. She just [...]

  51. on 18 Jun 2008 at 6:21 am   HRH

    This is seriously funny. I am going to be giggling all day. Thanks.

  52. on 18 Jun 2008 at 10:30 am   Kim

    This is only my second visit to your blog, but I must say…I MUST VISIT DAILY! I laughed so hard (up until the end…sorry) til I nearly peed my pants! Now I’m off to the next post…just had to stop and comment before I moved on before I forgot to comment!

  53. on 18 Jun 2008 at 7:42 pm   Dana

    that totally rocked, lady! I have to say you made my (totally crazy-ss) week!

  54. on 18 Jun 2008 at 9:03 pm   chakag

    You’re crazy. And, that’s why I love you.

  55. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:10 am   Jane

    This was so funny I snorted. At work. And even then my male coworkers were too scared to say anything to “the girl”. I’ve got them trained right!
    I actually took a test yesterday too, but I really keep telling myself that I really don’t want to be pregnant, and I think I believe it, but for some reason when you see that negative, it sucks.
    The cool thing is that there is always next month.

  56. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:11 am   Jane

    But waiting for next month sucks too.

  57. on 19 Jun 2008 at 6:45 am   Geeks In Rome

    I cannot wait for the next installment of “The Sea Wench Returns” starring George Clooney?? Johnny Depp? as your horny hooked captain.
    Don’t forget get rid of the salt peter!

  58. on 19 Jun 2008 at 7:31 am   Shorty

    Why do I keep coming back to read this post? I’ve read it at least 5 times. Must be a keeper.

  59. on 22 Jun 2008 at 1:06 pm   Good Mom / Bad Mom

    BS Sunday: Now even lazier…

    http://womanwithahatchet.blogspot.com/2008/06/omg-im-pregnant-with-twins-now-what.htmlHi. I’m irresponsible. This is Sunday, right? And we’re supposed to have BS Sunday up, sharing what we loved this week and here I am slowly recovering from last nig…

  60. on 22 Jun 2008 at 1:28 pm   Jenny, Bloggess

    You? Kick ass.

    Featured: http://tinyurl.com/53gs4k

  61. on 22 Jun 2008 at 5:12 pm   zenmomma

    Another perfect post from anne! In fast, I give it zenmomma’s triple P award for a Perfect Prop Post. The award also goes to my favorite Peeps post. :o )

  62. on 22 Jun 2008 at 6:45 pm   manager mom

    OK. That is some GOOD SHIT right there!

    Who needs photoshop when you have such good propmaster skills!

  63. on 23 Jun 2008 at 6:51 am   Deb (Missives From Suburbia)

    Miranda could use some surgical enhancements to compete with her friends on the beach, but I adore her hairdo!

  64. on 23 Jun 2008 at 11:47 am   In the Trenches of Mommyhood

    Gah, you crack me up lady.