Dear Diary,
I could tell the moment I woke up: Today was going to be a day like no other. The sun was shining and birds were chirping. I knew because guess what? My wrapping was open! I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
Free of my plastic restraints, I decided to call my BFF, Carmen. We went to the pool. It was pretty awesome. You can tell I totally need a tan. Give me a break – I’ve been sitting in a bathroom drawer for six months.
Around noon, Carmen said we should order some drinks. So we did.
Then, around two? This total hottie stopped by the pool.
We tried like mad to get his attention, but he was aloof.
Did I mention I was pretty drunk? ‘Cause I was.
Carmen dared me to flash him. I totally wouldn’t. But then she said she would do it too.
I was all, “Carmen, you slut bagel!”
And she’s all, “shut up before I give you a gorilla mask!”
And I’m like, “You don’t even have the equipment!”
And then we both flashed our boobs.
While we were doing it, the guy turned away and answered his cell phone. That was way harsh.
When he got off the phone, he was all, “Don’t be offended, ladies. I’m gay.”
And I was all, what?
And he was all, “I’m a bit of a butt pirate, darling. You know, sailing the single man sea?”
I fantasized about being a pirate with him for a moment. You know, kind of like this:
But more piratey:
And I was all, “….. Ok. I could deal with that.”
He said, “I do not think I mean what you think it is that I mean. Sorry, but our love was never meant to be.”
To cheer me up, he let me say “argh, Matey.” To his boyfriend on the phone. That did make me feel a little better.
It was a long day. Sad, drunk, and disoriented, I went home and curled into bed.
I dreamed I was on a pirate ship, and the captain fell in love with me and we sailed away.
But then, as I was peacefully slumbering and vaguely hungry for some Captain Crunch, I was TOTALLY ABDUCTED! AS I SLEPT! I was so scared!
I can’t even tell you the shocking, vile, disgusting thing that happened. Let’s just say this: I’ll never stand under a sprinkling shower and feel clean again.
And now I have this weird rash.
Anyway, I hope next month is better.
PS: I’m down, but not out. Tonight, I plan on dreaming about a certain Man of the Sea coming to scratch my itch. Toodles!
This is seriously funny. I am going to be giggling all day. Thanks.
This is only my second visit to your blog, but I must say…I MUST VISIT DAILY! I laughed so hard (up until the end…sorry) til I nearly peed my pants! Now I’m off to the next post…just had to stop and comment before I moved on before I forgot to comment!
that totally rocked, lady! I have to say you made my (totally crazy-ss) week!
You’re crazy. And, that’s why I love you.
This was so funny I snorted. At work. And even then my male coworkers were too scared to say anything to “the girl”. I’ve got them trained right!
I actually took a test yesterday too, but I really keep telling myself that I really don’t want to be pregnant, and I think I believe it, but for some reason when you see that negative, it sucks.
The cool thing is that there is always next month.
But waiting for next month sucks too.
I cannot wait for the next installment of “The Sea Wench Returns” starring George Clooney?? Johnny Depp? as your horny hooked captain.
Don’t forget get rid of the salt peter!
Why do I keep coming back to read this post? I’ve read it at least 5 times. Must be a keeper.
BS Sunday: Now even lazier…
http://womanwithahatchet.blogspot.com/2008/06/omg-im-pregnant-with-twins-now-what.htmlHi. I’m irresponsible. This is Sunday, right? And we’re supposed to have BS Sunday up, sharing what we loved this week and here I am slowly recovering from last nig…
You? Kick ass.
Featured: http://tinyurl.com/53gs4k
Another perfect post from anne! In fast, I give it zenmomma’s triple P award for a Perfect Prop Post. The award also goes to my favorite Peeps post. :o)
OK. That is some GOOD SHIT right there!
Who needs photoshop when you have such good propmaster skills!
Miranda could use some surgical enhancements to compete with her friends on the beach, but I adore her hairdo!
Gah, you crack me up lady.