I got an x-ray with the dentist’s. No infection! Because infection looks black on an x-ray, and see! No black.
The screw-shaped bump in my mouth is probably scar tissue, but the good doc says we will x-ray it many times in the coming months. Until we are satisfied it is not changing. Or until it mutates and becomes some sort of superhero/supervillian. I was so happy it was not infected, I just about kissed him. But at the last minute, he gave me a weird look. Possibly it was, hey don’t touch me with that effed up bump in your mouth. Sheesh. I wasn’t gonna give him tongue or anything. Or who knows. Maybe next time I will. I believe dentists should face their fears.
But guess what! I did find out I have an abscess elsewhere. Guess where! Mah booby. Yeah, I went in for my two week OB* and happened to mention this weird rash. Found out that is where my milk duct did something really gross. Like, not exactly exploded, but kind of did explode. A little bit. Or the pus inside exploded out to the surface. Something I’d rather not think about and I’m sure you’d rather not hear.
Anyway, the OB told me that I had one week to take antibiotics and massage it in the shower and nurse the hell out of it. And if the rash is not gone? Ultrasound and surgical consultation.
I took some pictures of the boob rash as well, figuring there is no time like post-partum to get a little full frontal over here. But upon close photographic inspection? I discovered that my tit looks like the testical of a 90 year old albino bull who has been dragging said testical many miles across the frozen tundra. And PS: the bull ball is allergic to tundra.
Lastly, I made coffee for my husband this morning. I figured he was so tired from being up with the baby all night that he had forgotten. After coffee was brewing, he informed me that we were out of milk. Is coffee drinkable without milk? Neither of us know. I suggested he drink the coffee creamer from a party we had a month ago. He looked at the ingredients and decided he was going to flavor his jo with breastmilk instead. He has a thing about drinking ‘weird’ ingredients such as sugar, water, soybean oil.
I thought he was joking, but no. I reminded him his coffee creamer of choice was from inside me. He poured it in. I told him I had mastitis. He stirred his cup. I mentioned the word pus. He came back with “if it’s good enough to feed the baby…” and also, “mmmm… tastes creamy.” He drank the whole cup while I squealed like a girl and eventually slid down onto the kitchen floor in a big pile of gross out. Then he smiled and poured himself another milky cup.
Now I hear him in the other room working. I have not heard him vomit or anything. But he seems to have developed a strange cough that he stifles like he doesn’t want me to hear it.
I think I can beat the week deadline on getting rid of this rash though. My tits are not the only thing around here tougher than old bull balls.
*Guess this is a recent change to the standard of care. With all my other kids, I had a six week sex check and was set to go. However, now the thing to do is haul you in at two weeks, request you bring your baby with you, and they then ask a bunch of ‘how ya doin’ questions and coo at the latest edition. PS: If you respond, how the fuck do you think I’m doing? My appointment was scheduled for 45 minutes ago. They don’t have a good answer on hand, but they do scribble in your chart a lot.
Yay! No infection!
Woah, your husband drinks your breastmilk. Mine will barely hold my purse.
BULL BALLS! SNORT!!!
When I went to my two-week checkup the nurse demanded that I strip COMPLETELY – including nursing bra which housed exploding boobs – because for extra fun I was gonna get my yearly checkup. FRIGGIN’ thanks! I leaked all over my paper gown (and got laughed at by my jerkwad doctor about it) and no, did not get a breast exam … because, ya know, nursing boobs are NOT NORMAL ANYWAY. I did however get a speculum rammed up my recently shattered hoo-ha. That whore.
I don’t know which to comment on first. The screw shaped bump (please tell me those were real screws in your mouth)
The exploding breast
The man who’s obsession with lactating women went just a bit too far.
I actually had a 2 week and a 6 week checkup! They loved me there.
Oh, how I’ve missed you and the complimentary shooting of all things liquidy out my nose when reading your posts! Albino bull balls, breastmilk creamer, chart scribbling… I think I wet myself.
I used to work with a woman who would squirt breast milk at her cats for fun. Out of her booby. Not out of a bottle. Your husband using it in his coffee is nothing.
OMG!!!
I have serious titty envy here- my nursing experiences left me with hot, hard, engorged rugby balls on my chest that WOULD NOT SQUIRT OR LET-DOWN without excessive stimulation. Kudos for sticking it out through the absess- and may your darlings become perky again once the weaning is complete!
(Tee hee- albino bull balls!)
Oh my good gawd! BM in the husband’s coffee? And he drank it????? I am in some serious shock. Your husband is hard-core man.
I guess there just had to be an absess somewhere. If you didn’t have one in your mouth then of course you’d have one in your bull ball (ha ha ha)…I’m sure they look nothing of the sort, but still amusing to visualize. Thanks for sparing us the photo of that one. Besides, my imagination is soooo much better.
Umm, I’m still dry heaving. I’ll have to get back to you later with a comment.
Sorry about the mastitis. I’ve had it twice- once requiring surgery and once requiring hospitalization.
Take care of yourself.
And the milk thing, it’s not like anyone ate a placenta: http://blogs.babycenter.com/momformation/2009/04/14/she-ate-her-placenta-and-it-was-good/
I guess in theory I’m okay with your husband drinking breast milk. But there’s definitely a squick factor.
If you fill his cereal bowl tomorrow, THEN I will be impressed.
Hope you feel better, screwface.
xo
My husband didn’t even want to taste breastmilk, but he takes his coffee black, too.
Sorry about your poor boobie.
Oh Anne – ow ow ow.
Thank heavens for good news about the screws.
Hooray for baby-induced brain cell/memory loss that will soon erase the traumatic highlights of weeks one and two.
Rock on ….
I’m impressed with the husband. Totally cool. Sorry about the abscess. Happy about no abscess in the mouth. I’m still waiting on pictures of baby!
Wheew, so glad about the lack of screw infection. Someone once told me BM tastes like melted ice cream. What’s better than coffee ice cream in a cup 😉
Heh… at least it was his own wife’s BM, and he drank it on purpose! I know this 19 year old boy who was down, serving a mission in Venezuela when he unknowingly…. yeah. He still shudders and cries a little.
i’m gagging. just a little. but still gagging.
My husband screamed like a girl when I squirted breast milk at him while he was showering. If you ask me, that is the best possible place to be if someone were to squirt you with breast milk. I couldn’t decided on gagging or laughing hysterically when I read that your husband drank it so nonchalantly.
Seriously? Two weeks?! They have home health nurses and phones for that sort of thing. I say let mama stay home and, if not “rest”, per se, then not have to drag her mouth-lumpy, booty hurt, mastitis boobies out with the newborn. I think I’ll skip that one.
And people, in the medical profession, “BM” means *bowel movement*. SQUICK!
I’m not even sure, I mean, I can’t even think, holy hell I think I’m speechless!
This likely will be one of my favorite posts you have ever given us, Anne Nahm or whoever you really are. Right up there with your best ever. Frickin’ hiliarious, honest, maybe even genius! And, I DID pee myself laughing, sorry to say.
And, kudos to all of your commenters. More laughing and peeing…..
I am suprised the breast milk didn’t curdle. Out of milk once and trying to add some from the frige to the tea, and OH NO NONO. But I don’t think its a big deal. Milks milk, no matter where you squirt it from. Oh the breast milk stories we could tell.
Here’s a fun fact that may be related to your story! When I was younger, I knew a guy whose girlfriend was pregnant and lactating, and he used to drink her breastmilk as, like, foreplay or something. Right from her breast, of course. I was a young kid and thought that was horridly disgusting. So he shared this information that, if his girlfriend ate a lot of fruit and healthy stuff, the breastmilk tasted sweet and delicous. IF she ate a lot of junk food like pizza, it didn’t taste so good.
So, maybe you should ask your husband what flavor he’d like in his coffee tomorrow???
This post makes me want to come live in one of your cupboards. Not because I have any remote fetishistic interest in boobs and pus, but sweet baby je you are hilarious.
I’m movin’ in next to MsP. Move over, lady, I want a front-row seat at the funnies.
First of all, that is a super bad-ass x-ray what with the screws and all. And hooray for no infection!
But, ew, ew, ew, on the drinking of the breastmilk. Three kids later and I’ve never tasted it. Because, ew.
(But maybe the pus makes it extra good.)
I had a cat named Sylvester who loved breast milk. He used to steal it from the drop catcher (do they still make those things?) Breast milk is really sweet, but I don’t think you could pay me to drink pus-filled milk. Your husband is a desperate man.