Despite being sure about the therapy thing, the comments suggesting it have stayed with me. It’s empowering to defy popular opinion and flounce, to define myself by what I’m not going to do. The main problem, is that if I’m not going to therapy, I have to take responsibility for taking care of myself. Otherwise, it’s just a gigantic, double-bird waving, swan dive into depression.
The piece I accept from the comments is that I’m not coping on my own. I’ve seen enough Intervention shows to grasp a theme — sometimes when families break up, the kids self-destruct.
What bigger fuck-you is there, genetically speaking, than to take those genes, slowly light them on fire, and let people watch as you burn?
Although I have no conscious wish for self harm, I have to look at what I’m doing with my life and say, yes, all these little triggers of self-harm are neatly set in those blog posts. Some people would probably roll their eyes at the idea of self-harm through sourdough overindulgence. There is that too. But I think it is shades of it. It’s the statement, “I’m sad/mad at my family, so I’m going to do something that’s not in any way great to myself.”
I love the saying that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I think it applies here. Only in bread and wine form. I have to do better than that.
So, if I reject a therapist, I guess that means I have to get off my ass and be both the leader and the follower out of this place I’m in. I’ve been trying to see my way to this idea: Instead of seeing myself as damaged, this is an opportunity.
In this moment, I am relatively unencumbered by all those restraints my family has raised me up into. Soon, things will probably mend between us and those restraints will tighten back up. But right now, I am free. And since I’ve already put up with the pain of breaking from them, now’s my chance to change. It might be a long time before I get this clear of an opportunity again.
I’m starting small. For example, no mother-figure in my family of origin weighs less than 160 pounds.* There’s a lot tied up in that weight (good mothers focus on kids, not themselves; food is love; love/respect/power should not be tied to vanity; fade into the background — your time is over). I’d like to weigh 125. I’d like to stay that weight the rest of my life. I’d like to learn how to be part of my family and let go of those false ideals.
I want to stop saying “I’m sorry.” I’ve been tracking, and I probably say “I’m sorry” in passing, at least four times a day. That’s too much of my life begging for someone to tell me what I’ve done is OK. I tried to have a conversation with my mom this weekend, and not say sorry once. AWKWARD. PS: I’ve also been focused on my other submissive ticks, such as asking for advice, ending sentences with a question. It’s a little bit horrifying how, as I learn to speak my mind more clearly, these ticks multiply, as if to make up for my lack of submissiveness in my thoughts.
So, that’s the first two. Instead of stressing about what happened, I’m learning how to do my make-up. Inspecting my face on a regular basis is a big step for me. I’m trying Oil Cleaning Method, so instead of having a glass of wine, I’m spending twenty minutes rubbing EVOO into my forehead. I’m calorie restricting, and as sucky as hunger pangs are, they give me focus and something over which I have control.
I know making myself a better person involves more than (the kind of horrific, now that I write it out-loud) traditional make-over and diet spree. But I recognize I probably have a lot of behaviors, verbal and nonverbal, that send out the cue “I’m not totally OK”, and I need to take those apart and really examine them. But yeah, I see that cliche and cringe a little. I’m hoping to work forward to better things.
PS: I used to have a side-page for weight-loss pictures after my third kid was born. It may go up again soon. If you are interested, keep an eye out.
PPS: Disembodied Ninja had this small post up a little while ago about Kintsukuroi, a practice I’d never heard about before, and which was quite lovely. It helped me get going in this direction.
*I never know what to say when people inevitably say, “I wish I weighed that,” or make the accusation of fat shaming. Sorry for that shade. I only want to express that moms in my family aren’t particularly skinny, but I would like to be, and that at my current weight, 165, I don’t feel thin.
Oh…. <3
Thank you, for this.
It is EXACTLY PRECISELY what I needed today.
:::suddenly newly motivated to do the things I need to do and make the changes I need to make:::
Ah… I have a list of things I am going to do to make my life better — and today is Monday so I am starting *again* and as I tried to breathe into that idea, I realized I need to go back to the list. I need one more to do, and it is number one: have compassion for myself.
I am probably not going to get up and exercise at 7am every day this week.
I will make it to meditation tonight and I have a meeting with the grief counselor on Thursday.
But, will I get the reading and writing work done that needs to get done for me to make progress on my PhD? Will I finish unpacking? Will I do any of the other ridiculous things that I have set out for myself to do this week?
Maybe, maybe not … but here I’ll be again next Monday, so I hope it isn’t with bruises.
Sorry for processing here — I can’t seem to do it on my blog right now.
This is the year that I decided I don’t like weighing 165lbs (or 175lbs, up until the new year weeks ago, but 165 right now). I find it difficult to balance my desire to be thinner with my desire to say fuck you to society and WHATEVER I’LL DO WHAT I WANT.
But at the end of the day I am not very old, and I don’t feel done being pretty, and I’d like to lose 20 more pounds. And that’s okay.
I’m 173 now and 165 would feel like a step in the right direction. Lately, it isn’t a number on a scale, it is looking around at my kids and my energy and knowing I owe them and myself something healthier. Which sucks b/c I’m a pretty physically healthy person. But yep- at a certain tipping point, loving yourself at any weight is a copout and action needs taken. Right there with ya, Anne.
I go back and forth between wanting to be the size I was pre-baby and wanting to eat all the cookies. ALL the COOKIES.
I’m glad you’re doing this work. I think you’re right, therapy is not mandatory but you need to take the steps to make the changes yourself if you decide against it. All of these things are probably what a therapist would be encouraging you to do.
I felt (feel) the same way about my weight, and family and was fighting depression and stagnation. Two years ago, I was my heaviest and unhappiest so I decided to start running. I hated running but I knew it was the fast way to lose weight. Three month of torture but an ever increasingly good playlist full of angry, motivating music. One day, I ran, and it didn’t hurt anymore – I could breathe and I was smiling ear to ear. Turned out I had lost 30 lbs and found out that the thing I hated most was saving my sanity.
Running is what makes me chill out, makes the stress more managable and helps (not totally but helps) keep my weight in check. I just lost my cousin to a drunk driving accident last week and ran the day of the funeral with tears streaming down my face. But it helped and I’m keeping on.
Just my two cents, not written with much articulateness as I am still trying to wade through this recent death… and if I was honest with myself – I need to turn off the computer and go run.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Every day is a new day. A new opportunity to do it right, do it over, do it different. Good luck with the new you and remember, tomorrow is a new day.
p.s. I remember the body shots, they were inspiring to me at that time (when still saddled with baby weight).
Re: the constant apologizing/sorry thing — I started doing this when I had small children. I apologized for the size of the stroller or a fussy baby or a red-faced, crying toddler. Then, it became a habit. Then when I went out in public, I just tried to disappear. I also started to stammer a bit when in new social situations. So, I talked myself into taking on a very small volunteer position in a nursing home. Very gradually I built my confidence back up. It took a long time, but I recently read a quote that said something like, “wherever you want to be in a year, start now,” and it really has proven true for me. Keep chipping away. You can be your own success story.