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TGI (TMI) Friday

February 22, 2008

So the other thing that happened in Hawaii was that I realized I was hiding stuff from you. Again.

Yes, I know. I am a slow learner. I am also like one of those people with hoarding disorders, but with all these little secrets crammed under my bed instead of more traditional hoarding items like chicken bones or money.

So here it is: I went in for my yearly with my OBGYN (and here is where you should take heed and stop reading if you don’t like things that involve Cootersville, Population: Me) and I mentioned to her that I continue to have small and painful cuts in Anne Land. Or, in more grown-up speak, on my labia.

I don’t think I am into the whole Lifetime Channel Testimony Mode about getting the diagnosis of Lichen Sclerosus, but you can read about it by clicking the link. And then proceed to wash your eyeballs and bitch slap me for taking TMI where TMI should not tread.

All I can say is that for me it is not itchy or terribly bothersome except that about every six weeks or so it is stingy like a paper cut. I have not taken any medication for it since it was previously diagnosed approximately 4 years ago because I was breastfeeding or pregnant or breastfeeding again or consumed with attending to the Cheekbone Implant of Horror.

Also back then, I did not have the diagnostic name so that Dr. Google could tell me about possible scarring. The treatment is super steroids in topical form. I am on the fence about taking them. I mean, you put that stuff on your cooter and you are all happy about the non-pain-non-scarring. The next thing you know, your labia is winning gold medals with Marion Jones.
But eventually? There is an accounting to be had for revving up your twat on hormones. And then it either mugs someone whilst holding a tiny gun*, or you are dragging your cooter to Celebrity Rehab and it looks like Chyna’s little sister. No one wants that to happen.

Also, the doc said if the steroids don’t clear it up, they take a biopsy. Of my labia, people. The process was described to me pretty much like this:

(picture of hole punch used to be here)

1. Insert labia

2. Punch

I am taking recommendations for where to buy genital jewelry if it progresses that far. I ain’t wasting that hole.

And hell, since we are in confessional land, I will say that this puts off baby making for another month until I can make sure of the diagnosis and rule out biopsy. Baby making being just on the horizon of our thinking, and a whole ball of Nucking Futs with which to deal. Because you all may remember how well the last baby’s infancy worked out for me. My husband is totally cheerleading that we will have an easier time this time. Because the future is not predicted by past events, but rather by some grand equation in which a post partumy depressiony year last infancy will be evened out with flowers and sunshine this time.

* Getting back to that whole Lifetime Channel Testimony – it would almost be worth it to be able to see the dramatic recreation of my ‘roid raged labia pistol whipping Tori Spelling in the Lifetime Original Movie, Mother, May I Sleep with Cooter?

ETA: More things you should know about my undercarriage – it does not look like the google images (those must be the most severely afflicted case scenarios). But thanks for making me double check, internet!

29 Comments

29 thoughts on TGI (TMI) Friday

  2. Do the biopsy if it does end up being recommended by your doctor PLEASE. It is probably NOTHING, and I will probably laugh my can off at your description of the procedure. While my own entertainment is reason enough to urge you to take every precaution… it’s not why. Just do it.

  3. Holy shit. I think I have that! I’ve had those patches for long time, but they don’t hurt. I think I better see a doctor. Thanks for posting about this even though it was TMI. You never know who will benefit from TMI. And that biopsy? No. Just no. Well, yes, obviously do it if you have to, but that does not look like fun.

  4. I’ve never commented before, but feel compelled to today. (Nothing like my TMI to add to your TMI.) I was diagnosed with lichen sclerosus 17 years ago (two months before my wedding @@), by virtue of the Dreaded Biopsy. I used topical steroids to get it under control and now use a ‘maintenance dose’ on occasion when the itch flares (usually premenstrually). The kind I use is like a vamped up hydrocortisone. So far, my labia have not taken to gun-slinging or mimicking Chuck Norris. You and your labia have sympathies from me and my labia.

  6. You’ll be relieved to know that the biopsy tool looks nothing like the hole punch. And, unlike a biopsy of the cervix, local anaesthetic is used to numb the area before the biopsy.

    As for the steroids – perhaps your pistol-packing labia could take on hubby’s sperm and you’d have the baby-making showdown of the century.

  7. Note to self: When test driving medicinal marijuana for fibromyalgia relief to NOT visit Anne’s blog. I am torn between laughing and MY EYES! and MY BRAIN! and then more laughing. Also? Typing is HARD when stoned. And? Read the comments when stoned leads to finding a picture of a YOUNG GIRLS

  8. SHIT~! I hit “enter” somehow. Damn the fingers.

    Continued:
    Hoo-haw with that particular diagnosis present. Which I didn’t need to see. AT ALL. This is followed by the hole punch in the labia image which is burned into my brain. I think I hate you right now.

  9. I had a biopsy done of my cervix a few years ago, too. Ouch. Not fun, plus there was bleeding after that looked… weird. It was freaky.

    Though I like the idea of a vagina with a tiny gun. Bang! You could market that as an anti-rape devise.

    And, also, woman, more children?? You are nuts. Brave, but also nuts. My one is more than enough to handle, I have NO idea how people with more than one do it. Mad props to you.

  10. O.M.G. You’re DAMN RIGHT surgery is not a good option for women!!! Thank Sweet Baby J! I am not grossed out so much as I am cringing for you. I hope the steroids can solve this for you and you will not have to proceed to the hole punch solution (*cringing again*).

  11. My daughter’s 5 year old friend has that! Did you know that it can mimick seual abuse! Her mom is so thrilled by trying to toilet train a child who screamed every time she peed.

    I hope you don’t have to get the hole punch…

  15. Sorry you have to deal with such a pain in your…

    Well.

    And here’s to hoping for a cure for you soon.

    Will anyone be organizing a long walk, in honor of? Can I just get the t-shirt and say I did it?

  16. OMG…I have that!! I never knew what it was…but that explains everything and why the doctors could never really tell me what the hell was going on…

    wow, I bow down to thee, anne, for diagnosing my, um, issue?

  17. Ha! I had no idea there were so many other women out there who have this! although I also get it on the back of my neck. Ewwwww. I was diagnosed 24 years ago – yeah, when you’re 10, even having a doctor look DOWN THERE is embarrassing, much less having to put medicine on it.
    Good luck – as long as I hit it with the steroid cream as soon as it starts itching, it goes away right quick.

  18. Yikes! I googled the pics, but not as scary as I expected. Just some truly ugly hoo-ha’s. As for the post partum depression, chances are you will have it again, but they can treat it right away. Husbands will tell you anythng they think you want to hear to get what they want…

  19. I am seriously dying over here. You are the funniest person alive. I never thought I could be so amused by the thought of your hoo-haa and a 9mm.

  21. The hole punch is cracking me up!

    Next on a very special Dukes of Hazzard: Mother May I Sleep with Cooter?

    Anne. Seriously. You need to come for a visit. I am loving you more each day.

    In a totally non-creepy way … you know that, right?

  23. I was diagnosed a few years back with this and did have the biopsy. I can tell you it wasn’t pleasant and actually, I think that gave me a scar, even the the l.s. hasn’t. However, Clobetasol when the “papercuts” happen works fine and they said not to worry about pregnancy and breastfeeding with it. Those are my two cents, for what it is worth…

  24. Ok, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages, and it’s about va-jay-jay pain!! You should win some kind of MAJOR award for being able to make even that funny. Honestly.

    Also, pistol packing might be convenient in dangerous situations, ya’ know?

  26. I’m a new reader. Hi there~~!

    HolyMaryMotherOfGod!

    The hole punch almost got me fired! I’m sitting at my desk pretending to work & all the suddden I’m trying to hold back the laughter & I SNORTED!!! The boss poked her head around the office door & said, “Bless you!” What else could I do? I said, “Thanks.”

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