Dear Diary,
I could tell the moment I woke up: Today was going to be a day like no other. The sun was shining and birds were chirping. I knew because guess what? My wrapping was open! I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
Free of my plastic restraints, I decided to call my BFF, Carmen. We went to the pool. It was pretty awesome. You can tell I totally need a tan. Give me a break – I’ve been sitting in a bathroom drawer for six months.
Around noon, Carmen said we should order some drinks. So we did.
Then, around two? This total hottie stopped by the pool.
We tried like mad to get his attention, but he was aloof.
Did I mention I was pretty drunk? ‘Cause I was.
Carmen dared me to flash him. I totally wouldn’t. But then she said she would do it too.
I was all, “Carmen, you slut bagel!”
And she’s all, “shut up before I give you a gorilla mask!”
And I’m like, “You don’t even have the equipment!”
And then we both flashed our boobs.
While we were doing it, the guy turned away and answered his cell phone. That was way harsh.
When he got off the phone, he was all, “Don’t be offended, ladies. I’m gay.”
And I was all, what?
And he was all, “I’m a bit of a butt pirate, darling. You know, sailing the single man sea?”
I fantasized about being a pirate with him for a moment. You know, kind of like this:
But more piratey:
And I was all, “….. Ok. I could deal with that.”
He said, “I do not think I mean what you think it is that I mean. Sorry, but our love was never meant to be.”
To cheer me up, he let me say “argh, Matey.” To his boyfriend on the phone. That did make me feel a little better.
It was a long day. Sad, drunk, and disoriented, I went home and curled into bed.
I dreamed I was on a pirate ship, and the captain fell in love with me and we sailed away.
But then, as I was peacefully slumbering and vaguely hungry for some Captain Crunch, I was TOTALLY ABDUCTED! AS I SLEPT! I was so scared!
I can’t even tell you the shocking, vile, disgusting thing that happened. Let’s just say this: I’ll never stand under a sprinkling shower and feel clean again.
And now I have this weird rash.
Anyway, I hope next month is better.
PS: I’m down, but not out. Tonight, I plan on dreaming about a certain Man of the Sea coming to scratch my itch. Toodles!
Wait… Is that your test? I don’t want to jump to conclusions and say “Anne is pregnant!!!” But it sure looks like it!
:^) Is negative
Anne
*blushes*
You can tell that it’s been a while since I’ve peed on a stick!
Sorry about the negative. But that is too funny. If only Baby J were there …
8^)
How is that negative? They must make piss sticks different than when I did it. Also…you sure the play-doh didn’t eff it up? 😉
I totally wanted to read the story, but wanted to scroll down and yell, “WHAT IS ON THE STICK?!” LOL.
Good luck! We are ttc this summer too.
Ah, the negative sign. Remember when that used to be a good thing?
At least Miranda had a good time on the way to disappointment.
You are one twisted chick. I admire that.
Congratulations not pregnant! I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but I don’t think I’ve ever said anything. I really like it, though. I guess it’s probably okay to read an anonymous blog anonymously, but I thought it’d be better to finally say hello.
x
Damn, I wish I’d thought of this.
…Which is the highest praise I am capable of.
You, matey, are plank-walkin’ awesome.
And here I’ve just been chucking mine in the trash. Very angrily, but in the trash all the same.
YOU ARE AN EVIL GENIUS!
May your progeny inherit your creative streak.
Congrats!!
p.s. How do you have all this time? With kids? Do you send them to boarding school or what?
Oh, I just scrolled up … negative. With the brand I use two lines is positive. Oh well. You’re still a gas! And I mean that quite literally since I’m 8 mos prego!
Freaking hysterical post. But what does the R and C stand for on the test? Confusing.
Wait..wait. That looks DISTINCTIVELY positive to me. Which is it, hoser?
If it is indicating pregnancy, there is supposed to be a “+” in the “R” (real box) the “C” (control) just has the “-” to show the pee got all the way to the end of the box.
I lulz that the pop pee quiz has more questions that a Math Midterm Take-home. Here is more:
http://www.factplus.com/home.php
PS: On the home page of that website, does it totally look like the pee stick says “fuct plus” or is it just me?
Anne
Is this the next installment of Pirates of the Caribbean?
Effing, totally effing hilarious! Good luck, with whichever answer you want, Anne.
You’re right, now you’re Fuct! PLUS more deep dicking. Don’t ask how that makes sense to me. It just does.
miranda p. stick looks way hotter in a bikini than i do. crap.
here’s hoping next month is better for you.
This is one of the funniest and most creative posts I’ve seen in weeks. Glad Mr. Lady shared the link on Twitter. I’ll be back!
Be careful with that hook, Captain, you could put an eye out, or something.
OOoh! Or like the Captain Morgan Spiced Rum commercial….. Isn’t it time to get a little captain in you?
This post is the most amazing thing I’ve seen ever. Hysterical!
Freaking hilarious.
There is something about this post that makes me want to take drugs.
And I’ve never taken drugs.
I’m thinking now might be a good time for me to start.
I want to be you. Some of the shit you come up with is so sick and wrong it is right.
:::scratches head::: Did I smoke something today?
No, wait! It’s Anne… Phew!!
My butt is on the floor. I laughed it off.
I love your total commitment to these elaborate dioramas. You are, in your own warped way, a true artiste!
This post ranks right up there with the Peeps one which got forced me to subscribe on like the second day I ever read this blog. You are more creative than anyone I know. Also? Extremely talented with the play doh, matey.
That has got to be the most fun a PT ever had!
I think Miranda kicks Baby J’s ass. Sorry, baby J but your jello walking just doesn’t compare to a pee stick hitting on a gay barbie.
I want to see that workshop of yours, where baby j and the peeps and the pee sticks come alive and party all night.
You are too funny.
Crack. Ing. Up. This entry officially makes me want to set up a shrine to your divine Anne-ness. Genius. Pure comic genius.
I prefer ass bandit, but I guess it wouldn’t fit the pirat theme. Thanks for the laugh, this was excellent.
oops, I mean pirate.
What a way to start my day–great imagination and artistry!
I can’t believe after reading that post and laughing so much…that YOU madame would have any doubt about your writing capabilities! So great…thanks for the great start to what was shaping up to be a shitty day. YOU are the BEST!
I loved that. You rock, Anne. And I can’t believe that you peed on Play-Doh.
All the cute ones are gay.
[…] used my share of pregnancy tests. To think that all of mine were as dull as sticks! Not one bit of Miranda P. Stick spirit in […]
You’re so twisted. That is hilarious.
So funny! I totally looked up Fact Plus online to see if that meant you were pregnant.
Hang in there, Miranda P.! And don’t worry, that hottie has shown his face around my house, too. He’s totally flaky! It’s not you, it’s him.
Thank GOD its negative. I mean who needs a pirate baby running around with that wooden leg?!?!
O. But sorry its negative.
This? Was hilarious.
Here’s to more rashy lines on Miranda P. Stick’s next big adventure.
You’re a genius! A genius with a lot of spare googly eyes,but a genius nonetheless!
BAH HA!!!
Oh Anne with an e…I’m sorry it was negative.
And suddenly feel so much closer to you having now seen your pee on paper.
Such mixed emotions from this one post.
And now I will kiss you.
xx
I bet Baby J would cheer up Miranda.
[…] Read this genius post titled “The Very Strange Day of Miranda P. Stick” from Anne Nahm. You won’t be sorry. Me and Anne are totally best friends now. She just […]