Snuggled up and on the edge of sleep last night, it occurred to me that eyes and ears are such small holes to let information in, compared to the vast area of skull that keeps stuff out. The whole world is out there, most of it bumping off your head like the DVD logo screensaver, rejected. That’s what my dad’s death feels like so far. It comes at me from time to time, only to get bumped back.
Some commenters pointed out that my mom might be at increased risk now. That makes sense.
Here’s some ugly: I called to check in every day for about a week after he died. Then Mom traveled to Little’s in prep for my sister giving birth. I started texting instead of calling, telling myself it was because I didn’t want to intrude. But the truth was, I was glad to not call every day. It was exhausting.
Then my mom didn’t respond to a couple of texts. A reasonable take could’ve been that I should have called. Or kept texting until I got a response. She might’ve needed extra care.
I thought, Fuck it. This is as far as I can go.
Part of that decision felt healthy. A hard-won lesson from my dad’s decline/mom’s decisions based on that decline: no matter how much I worry/obsess about a parent, it pays off diddly-shit in terms of controlling their behavior. How many years had I spent late-night-stressing about whether my mom was going to die by caregiving, only to have her do as she pleased anyway?
Somewhat related, after the every-day-check-ins, it felt that if I put continued energy into the her, I might become her keeper for the rest of her life. Another thing I learned from my mom is that there’s no easy exit strategy for caregiving, and plans made when things are in flux become cemented with stability. I have other people depending on me. Even if my mother decides to die because no one is there, I cannot be her person.
Of course, the other part of that decision felt spiteful. My mother has a history of being a great mother, interspersed with abandoning me. When she didn’t respond to those texts, I felt this muted rage. After all, it’s not just about her losing her husband. I lost my father. Some of the concerns I had for her well-being, she might’ve felt for me. She hasn’t asked if I’m OK, though she’s been fine with me reaching out to comfort her. I get that her blowback is greater than mine, but I still felt this surge of You abdicated your parentage of me, what am I doing chasing after you?
Spiteful thinking puts me in a circle of doubt. Maybe my calls aren’t a comfort to her, but a responsibility. The clay-art ashtray to a parent who doesn’t smoke and now must feign appreciation. As comparison, our foster dog is getting to the Annoyed Mom level where she’ll just get up and walk away from her pups when she’d done nursing. Also, the pups have gotten big enough that they can hang on to her teats when she stands.
Talk about empathy between two bitches when this dog looks at me, dragging a couple of greedy puppies by her nipples. When I take this dog out for a walk, the way she sniffs the air and prances down the sidewalk pup-free is something that lifts even my chary heart.
But then I realize if I have these feelings, probably my mother does too. About me.
Anyway, I haven’t texted her or tried to call since. Here’s to hoping that’s coming from a real healthy-stepping-back-self-protection place instead of a fuck-you-angry-kid place, but I’m honestly not sure what rules the day.
In the event you need closure on some hanging threads in my life:
Little’s baby status: HEALTHY! BABY! BOY!
Puppy status: Eyes open, wobbling around on puppy legs, peeing freely all over the place. Did I think it smelled like dog before? OH GOD, LOL, MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD, I KNEW NOTHING OF DOG.
Stay Tuned for Future Exciting Episodes:
Middle pointed out The Exes will be invited to Dad’s memorial, date pending. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (sound continues into eternity)
In no particular order: WOWEE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU is right
Those pups are so adorable (sorry about all the pee)
Trust your gut and don’t worry about your motivations for not texting her-it’s self-preservation either way <3
Yay new baby nephew!!!
Omg the cute. I needed that today.
Yay for a new baby! Circle of life and all that, but it’s weird how often that seems to happen.
Looking at your family through the eyes of family systems theory, it would be easy to make your mom the new “patient.” Maybe she doesn’t want to be that person.
Healthy baby boy. Those are good words. Let me be the absolute first and certainly not last person to tell you that you are not obligated to do any damned thing in regards to calling mom or attending dad’s memorial. Not one iota. Dad would understand.
Congratulations on your new nephew… guarantee he will be a salve for everyone as you all try to adapt to this new normal.
And all I can say about your mom is I FEEL YOU. Very rarely, my surviving siblings and I ask each other how we are after losing our older brother and sister within 7 months of each other. And I do get that losing two children for my parents was devastating to them … but neither of them have ever asked me (who has come home for a second time to care for the) how I am or if I need anything. And I called my mother, my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law, not daily, but weekly for months to check in on them.
So, my advice is you do what feels best to you, for you, because in the end the rest of it is out of your control.
Sending you all tons of good vibes, peace and big hugs, as always. Know this person right here is glad to know how you are doing and will always be in your corner.
Isn’t second guessing yourself *fun*. Sigh. I think you are doing the right thing by not putting all your energy into chasing after her. In terms of being a Good Person, in my opinion what counts is that you care and that you have tried; you’ve *shown* that you care. You can only build your half of the bridge, blah blah blah.
I wish that you didn’t have that feeling of her having abdicated her responsibility, and I extra wish that you didn’t have the confirmation from her of when she actually *said* that, which still makes my head spin.
I think it is possible that she feels that sense of oh ffs I have to be polite to this person who’s trying to be good to me, and I think it is also possible that she’s genuinely grateful but doesn’t know how to process it. Like all of us when we get those ashtrays!! I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, and I’m so very not saying that you should therefore put aside all your pain and just chase after her even when she may not even *want* to be chased after.
Also, PUPPIEEEEEEEEEEEES YAY.
(I feel the mother’s expression. So much.)
If you go to the memorial and the awful family members are there I give you full permission to pretend to not even see them, recognize them, etc. Go full Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” and also large sunglasses are a bonus. I don’t care if it’s raining. Is it possible to self-medicate for the day?
Something I remember after my dad died was that essentially no one IRL asked me about it, if I was okay, etc and I still have feelings about that. Hugs to you, I think about you often but not so much it’s creepy. <3