*Wiggle wiggle wiggle grunt schhhhlooooooop*
1. I LOVE this! I’m gonna buy 50 pair and wear them every day! I look GREAT.
2. Move even slightly.
3. *Undething rolls down, over fat blob, binds uncomfortably and visibly underneath fat blob, in front of everyone, creating Hourglass Figure of Hell. There may be a sound effect.*
4. Wow, these are of the devil. What could be worse than this?
5. Tries to get out of them to pee.
I have never worn a Spanx type thing, branded or off brand. Not because I never needed to, but because I prize my physical comfort above looking lumpy. Sometimes that means I just don’t leave the house (most of the time I just don’t leave the house). I’m okay with that.
At home before leaving: perfection.
As soon as I pass the point of no return or stand up to present to a group: I look like I’m smuggling baguettes in my waistband.
No thanx, Spanx. If I want to spend $40+ to have belly rolls, I will invest in something that comes with at least fleeting joy (dessert), not spontaneous reveals and yeast infections.