Husband

And then the bastard ate them all himself

Unloading groceries.  House is empty, kids at school.
Husband saunters by, discovers newly-bought cookies.
Husband, shocked: “Cookies, Anne?”  Sucks air between his teeth, eyeing them. “Naughty!”
Me, eyebrow raised, best seductive voice:  “Yes.  I should be punished.”
Husband, raising flirtatious eyebrow in return:  “I will punish you…”  Becomes serious.  “…by throwing away these cookies.”

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