Meta-miserable Bullshit Below
Am still dealing with the family member excommunication. Today, I am wandering the house in a tatty old bathrobe, dead eyed exhausted, wondering how much I can write about before needing to consult a lawyer. Since this blog does not pull down mad levels of lawyer-hiring cash, this grief’ll be brief.
* People in my family (self included) have been acting increasingly crazy in the midst of the excommunication. I was pretty baffled until tumbling upon one of those handy-dandy CLASSIC (insert type of dysfunction) FAMILY DYNAMICS flow charts. Then everything became pretty clear. Now, when somebody’s behavior goes wonky, I consult the chart.
Then I go “Oooohhhh” (light bulb of enlightenment!) followed by “Ohhhhhh” (wow, pretty sad we’re textbook dysfunctional).
* Shitty dynamics do not happen in a vacuum. Now that I have better understanding, I get to look at the role I played in those shitty dynamics.
*I’m proud of going through with the excommunication. There was a lot of pressure to make-nice and smooth over, and I am certain not doing so was the right decision. I feel brave, and also like I have a big scar now. Most of my concept of who I am is being soft, gentle, understanding, accepting. Am working hard to accept being scarred-up ass kicker as part of being a good woman. Part of me is frightened people will see me as old, unlovable battle-ax. Another part of me thinks SO FUCKING WHAT? Battle ax is how I feel right now. I guess this is how I tell you I’ve got some anger I don’t know what to do with yet. Anyway, since this is going so terribly meta, I’ll wrap up by saying my family of origin feels broken right now, and I’m muddling through it.
Coming Out/ Blog Conference Question
Can’t let that bit of crapulence deter me from original plan of coming out. BlogHer is having a conference in San Jose next summer. Would I see any of you there? I have zero interest in SEO optimization or whatnot, but would be terribly interested in meeting any of you face to face.
Has anyone gone in the past or planning to go this summer? Hit me up, yo, so I’ll know to look out for some familiar faces. PS: If none of you are attending, I probably won’t either. So there! Am sheep, going only where the cool kids are. Somebody point me in the direction of the cool kids please.
I went this summer for the first time ever, but sadly (VERY SADLY) will not be able to go all the way to the other side of the continent next year.
But on the plus side, it was great, and even if you don’t care about SEO optimization there’s lots of really good stuff to hear and people to meet and if I was there I’d totally love to meet you (but am not a cool kid so you’d have to bear that in mind) and I can hook you up with some people I know who maybe probably will be there and are very nice people. If you like.
BlogHer is one of those things I can only dream of going to. Someday, maybe, but first I have to get a blog that’s not on LJ, probably 😉
I’m sorry about the family dynamics being shitty right now 🙁 I wish I knew what to say that was helpful, but I don’t. Kick some battleaxe 🙂
Boo. 🙁
Not going, never gone, I suck.
I would love to go to BlogHer. We shall see whether or not it is in the budget this year.
Huzzah for finding the textbook [type of dysfunction] family flowchart! Whenever I begin to question my decisions to behave in a particular manner towards a specific, difficult family member, I pull out my book on the dysfunction at hand and refresh my memory about why I’m correct in protecting my scars and keeping my battle-ax handy. It’s exhausting on occasion, but worth it. You have my sympathy.
I’d give my left nut, if I had one, to attend BlogHer. Perhaps someday. And when I do, I’ll wear my self-made “Anne Nahm Fan” T-shirt. 🙂
I had to do some excommunicating of my own 2.5 years ago (of, essentially, my entire bio-family). It sucks and it’s hard, but sometimes it is the absolutely the right decision and the scar fades and you are left with a better, happier life. Thinking of you.
Just underwent the completion of an ex-communication (my siblings). Oddly enough, the difference in how I feel after having for many years tried to make it easy for everyone is delicious. All the energy in keeping up a pointless relationship is better directed at being a nicer spouse and coworker. Everybody wins!
Ex-communication is hard and especially when not everyone is on the exact same page. And it is hard getting human adults all on the same page. Most people in my family cut my brother off before I did. I needed it to be for something else other than he was an addict. I didn’t think it was fair to cut him off for something he had been always. And then, he lied to me about something enormous and was caught. And, it was like a flip was switched and I told him I was done, that I didn’t want him in my life anymore. Everyone was already in support of me so that wasn’t the tough part. The tough part was explaining it to him and then not engaging with him as he tried to change my mind. That was many, many months ago and I feel such joy in the fact that I no longer worry about him in the same way. I no longer have to wonder if he is lying to me. I have a vague hope that his current attempt at a rehab type situation will work, but no expectations that it will.
We have to be able to stand up for what we believe in, even if the role we usually play is gentle and accepting. If you feel all battle ax-y that is great because you have made a stand and stands aren’t made of warm and cozy feelings. Just keep being who you are (in all your iterations) and time will ease the wounds. Or, that is what I hope for you anyway!