The Adventures of Off The Pill Anne
What Life Looks Like On The Pill
Days 1 – 26
Sweet, chemically induced uterine silence.
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Day 27
Anne: Hi, Period. I have you down for arrival tomorrow, sometimes between noon and five. I’ll take some accommodations in the gym bag just in case you get here before lunch. And I’ll be starting up new pills on Sunday, so I am expecting you to clear out of here by Monday morning. Will there be anything else?
Period: No, Ma’am. I can’t believe I fell for that whole chemically induced false pregnancy thing again. You sure are a trickster, Anne. Anyway, pleasure to be working with you.
Anne: Hope you enjoyed your stay at Chez Nahm Uterus. See you again next month.
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What Life Looks Like Off The Pill
Day 2
Period: Whoooooo! Free of my chemical restraints! Freedom! I’m going party in your uterus like its 1999!
Anne: Why am I crying and laughing at the same time?
Period: hahahahahahahahaha! See ya around, sucker!
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Day 15
Period: Hey Anne! Just thought I’d drop in for a few minutes. I lost track of time. I’m not supposed to be here yet, huh?
Anne: Uh… No. It’s day 15.
Period: Whoops! My bad! Ok, I’m gone. Really. Forget I even stopped in. Sorry about the mess.
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Day 20
Period: Hi! I thought I’d call you on the cramp phone and let you know I’m swinging into town. I’m not exactly sure when. I’m gonna let it ring off the hook though, so we are definitely in communication this time about my arrival. Anyway, cramps. Enjoy!
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Day 21
Period: Just kidding. I got caught up talking to the left ovary all night – you know, bonding over that whole female reproductive thing. Seriously though. I’m walking out the door to see you right….now.
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Day 25
Anne: Hi, Period. I’m expecting you sometime in the next couple of days. Shall I look for you around lunchtime like always? …Hello?
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Day 28
Anne: Hello? I know you are there – the cramp phone keeps calling me.
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Day 32
Anne: Ok, now you owe me eight dollars for the pregnancy test you know damn well I didn’t have to take this morning.
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Day 35
Period: Here I am! Here I am!
Anne: You realize I’m in the middle of dinner.
Period: Yeah. And when you get up, you’re gonna realize I actually got here right before you served the salad.
Anne: You asshole. I gave up on period panties two days ago. These are the lacies.
Period: Yeah, it looks like Carrie at the Prom down here. And don’t act like you didn’t know I was coming – I saw you eat the ears off the chocolate bunnies Sunday morning. Easter Hamsters Anne? You don’t think your kids really bought that story, do you?
Anne: I am so putting a cork in you.
Period: Oh you ain’t seen nothing yet. Your Aunt Flo is gonna make one hot crazybitch mess up in here for you!
Anne: Did you just steal that line from Project Runway?
Period: Oh now it. Is. On. You really gonna call me out like that? ‘Cause I know you’ll be wanting to get your marital relations on sometime in the next ninety days. And when you do? Oh honey. I’ll be showing you what a hot crazybitch mess really looks like.
63 Responses to “The Adventures of Off The Pill Anne”
LOL! You are hilarious.
That period sure is a bastard. I’ve never read a summary quite like this. Love it.
Ah, yes, mine owes me insane amounts of dinero for useless pregnancy tests too. Though I never thought of sending it a bill. Now I will, though. Thanks.
I think our periods are in sync. Preach it, Sister Girl!
LOL! I’ve never had a conversation with the unwelcome friend. She’s really a bitch though. She even breaks out of her chemical prison from time to time just to shake things up a bit. I should bill her for that.
Mine is paying me back for last month’s $8 by starting on day 24. fucker.
Ha!!!!
To steal another line from Project Runway, you are FIERCE.
Hate the pill. Hate. It.
Ugh. I HATE that! My period always shows up with a side of PCOS. My period is a f$&kwhit!
that period is quite the bitch.
Stupid, unregulated effing periods. Hate. Grrr!
Oh Dear Lord. I think you just talked me out of our marital plan of vasectomy-so-I-can-get-off-the-pill scheduled for later this year.
Aunt Flo’s a bitch. I’d almost forgotten while I was pregnant, but she got her revenge after I had the baby, didn’t she?
Now I have to wait for her again, having no clue when she might show up. Next mont? 6 months from now? Tomorrow?
Bitch.
You poor thing. You have my sympathy.
Love this. LOVE. Furthermore, it actually influences my future birth control decisions. Funny AND persuasive!
You realize that you constantly come over to my place and are all blah blahedy you’re so funny blah blah and you always do it at the exact second that you write something funnier than I could ever think of, right?
Oh, and yeah…get back on the pill already.
Oh yes, I know all about period minus the pill. However, I kinda like it that way XD
HA HA HA!!
Your period is a bee-yotch.
You should meet On-The-IUD-Jen
Whoa. She’s harsh. And hungry. And entirely unpredictable.
I can’t wait to meet On-the-Pill-Jen. This month. Oh yes. We shall meet and throw a period party. SOON.
Good luck. Hopefully Flo figures out what the heck she’s doing.
OK. No really. Did you really just post about a fight with your period? Seriously Anne, you kill me every day. Brilliant!!
Carrie at the Prom.
Yuk yuk yuk <– pun intended
LOL
Just wait until you’re my age and perimenopausal…
(Wait I think the Grey Mare Handbook says No Dire Warnings, so I take that last line back.)
The cramp phone… LMAO!!!
Oh, the relating! I think your period and mine were separated at birth.
PS) You are hilarious!
I peed my pants laughing. And I’m at work. Thanks ANNE!!!! Now what am I gonna do???
I’m crying!!! That was so funny! And sadly so true!
Hello, me of last month!!
Oh, my… I have had my Mirena, the hormone IUD, and I haven’t had a period in over four years. It expires early next year, like in January, and I have a feeling that I am going to be having similar conversations with my period then. Not looking forward to it, either. Four years of no period? I think it’s gonna be like being a teenager all over again. *sigh*
Having gone through a few methods of birth control myself and experiencing the times in between, this was like reading about my own life. It’s all so true. Especially the part where it never comes when you have period panties on.
Period is an even bigger bitch when she’s going through menopause. You never know when she’ll show up. Unplanned pregnancy, party of two. You won’t get me my little pretty!
God Bless Loestrin, man. Oh and pregnancy, and maybe menopause too, whatever corks us up!
Brilliant. LOL at ‘Easter Hamsters’!
I got the implant, which meant CSI:New York laundry for SIX WHOLE MONTHS. Now I am also taking the pill to calm things down. Hopefully me and Aunt Flo will no longer be on speaking terms. I hated that bitch anyway
I wouldn’t usually bad talk your friends, Anne, but this Period of whom you speak? I hate her. She’s completely inconsiderate.
OMG….this was just too funny…thank you so much for the laugh…i needed it today. No aunt flo for me today but i sure do have one hell of a UTI…I hate the friends that us women have
Hahaha! Jeez- that’d be rollingly funny if it weren’t SO true. Haha!
That was the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time. Someone sent me a link, hope you don’t mind that I stopped by. You’re hilarious!
Thankfully, Mirena and the mini-pill saw the monstrous Miss Period off a long time ago.
“These are the lacies”
I remain bitter about some of the exquisite knickers i’ve lost over the years.
F*** her!
I wished I had took pictures of what the birth control ‘stickers’ had done to me. Turns out I was allergic to the adhesive. I had one inch square red spots everywhere!
I prefer the vasectomy. =P
This so rocks.
..i love you.
that makes me realize that i have the good life, being a guy and not having some crazy thing w/ a mind of its self bleeding from my crotch.
OMG. Hilarious, dude! The funniest thing I’ve read in forever.
The pill is my savior too. I am ruled by the Communists no longer!
Thanks for the big laughs!!!
You = my hero. <3
I seriously laughed out loud. My boyfriend asked me what was so funny, but I just told him he wouldn’t get it.
Kudos to you!
talking about pills have you had the puri-caps from Puriti.org wow talk about mood balancers love em…
keep up the humor someone has too
Annie
Mine is always late!
And you think I’ll get it fired.
lol, Thank you so much for the giggles, I no longer have periods from hell, due to cancer (cancer free 8 yrs) but I do remember how it was and your post had me laughing so hard that this is the first time I have ever responded to a post. Thank you very much.
Pregnancy tests, just a dollar at the dollar store. Can you believe that? I read it somewhere and it’s true. The pill makes me crazy. Can you say headache for a month? I’ll take the divine Miss P over that anytime.
LMAO! That’s the best post I’ve read all week! Can’t relate as I had the “endometrial ablasion” done 2 years ago….best damn procedure ever invented!
it makes me feel uncomfortable to read all this frenetically positive raves about the pill.
have you ever read about the possible longterm side-effects of the pill? you would be more than glad about the “normal” period.
Too true, all of it! Great rambling, and I enjoyed the chuckles.
HEH HeH Heh!! A true original. Watch out Bridget Jones. Here’s a Womb with a View. Hope you’re thinking of a book?!
That was classic! Will come back in hopes of some more humor!
Caroline
SmartyPantsMama.blogspot.com
Perfect portrayal of the evil recurring visitor, but I went off the pill 4 years ago and it’s been total bliss for me ever since! (Must have had something to do with the hysterectomy I had 4 years ago.)
Wow – how true – too true frankly, yet so funny and frank about Aunt Flo – I only wish men could understand how we barely function at times, that we really need those foot massages and lower back massages which won’t get you anywhere with us yet to calm us down just a bit even though we try to calm ourselves down with chocolate and salty chips…Just over mine, and thanks once again reminding me what we all go through – you are very funny keep up the great work!
That’s why my Hubby will skip lunch for a week if needed to pay for our Pill. She’s such a bitch! He hates her too, and the cramp phone don’t even ring in his gut!
Gosh I wish I could write like you!!! You are truly hilarious and I wish I could only look upon my period as you do! It’s a good thing for my husband he has been overseas…he doesn’t even know the WRATH my period causes now, especially since it still isn’t under control/on track since having my son 2 years ago!! DAMN AUNT FLO!
haha Reading this had me laughing! Seriously funny, because it is so true! I’m waiting for that unwelcome visitor to show up now, and of course it is late again, as usual.
Oh my, I am SO not alone. I came across this post in your comment at Bad Mom/Good Mom. I too, left a comment with a link to my post on MY period. Hey, at least it gives us something to blog about so it can’t all be bad, right?!
Mine is more of a grouchy reluctant toddler. Same attitude, less vocabulary.
Sunday, Bloggy Sunday…
By Mindy and Jenny Last week we asked you guys to share the links of things you wrote or read that you thought needed a little extra attention and we got some fabulous stuff. Today we’re highlighting a few of……
Awesome! I haven’t seen mine in 15 months and I’m not missing it.
Now, of course, you’ve got me dreading its return!
OMG! Aunt Flo used to completely b*tchslap me every month! She would bring her buddy endometriosis and render me bedridden. Thanks to continuous pills, I haven’t seen those jerks since 2001. Good riddance!
Just hilarious!
Now this is funny!!! Anne your brilliant.