So I keep waiting to post until there’s a day when nothing really horrible happens, because it seems a little gauche to be all carefree and self-involved in the midst of breaking  personal/national/international tragedies. Like, are you not part of the human fucking race over there, Anne? Do you not see how the world recently fell through Satan’s bad plumbing into Satan’s septic tank? Or were you too deeply inserted in your own navel to notice? GAWD.

Which is like… one excuse for why I haven’t written in so long. But JFC fuckkitinabuckit, there’s just not a gap in bad news big enough to wedge a single post into these days, so please excuse me for shedding my funeralwear long enough to make an ass out of myself here.

So LOL there was a time, not so long ago, when the most embarrassing thing I could think to tell you was that I was going to wax my own nostrils.

Oh, sweet summer Anne.

I researched, I posted someone else’s demonstration video and everything. I asked if anyone had experience. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU SO CALLED FRIENDS ADMITTED TO NOSTRIL WAXING. I don’t think. Or those memory cells are dead now, thanks stress.

Basically, if you missed all that, the instructions include putting a gob of hot wax on a tongue depressor that is proportionally a baby’s head bigger than your fully dilated vagina sized nostril.

You carefully insert the hot waxed tongue depressor in your nostril and then press the outside of your nostril into the wax and kind of work it around so that all nose hairs, and technically one third of your breathing apparatus, are sealed shut in wax. You wait a minute. Then you pinch the bridge of your nose in one hand, presumably so you don’t rip your entire nose off your face. With your other hand, you yank the tongue depressor out.

Way less pain than tweezing ! A gruesome souvenir! Nostrils so hairless and barren that when someone looks up your nose they can see right into your brain!

Anyway, I bought a waxing kit. I studied the Youtube Lesson. I did it. You heard me screaming several states over. Screaming into the void FOR A REASON was rather satisfying, so I took up the habit. Moreover, I looked at my naked body, I looked at a pot of HOT FUCKING WAX, and I thought to myself: Could I apply the same nostril waxing technique to buttholes?

Anyone want to dissuade me before I try this?