Here at House Nahm, we find ourselves in an odd position.
Well, more honestly, I don’t get to make this decision, but I’ve been asked to weigh in, and in turn am interested in your opinions.
Say you have a house standing open. A lovely house that has already been broken into once because (probably) it is known to be empty. For legal reasons, it cannot be sold. It has been repaired from the damage sustained by the break-in.
Also, it’s a murder house. The crime scene details have presumably been erased- carpet removed and replaced, little police arrows indicating blood spatter painted over, fridge full of decaying food emptied and aired out.
You also have a relative who is going through a hard time. Part of that hard time is knowing Victim and Aggressor. Perhaps connected, part of that hard time is now also divorce. It may be true people do not want to be in long term relationships with spouses having genetic connections to killers. Maybe that knowledge puts a cutting edge on all arguments, past and future, that were not considered when those OG marital vows were made.
Possibly the divorce is wholly connected to other issues.
This is how life has taken a turn and we are now somehow in a very Scooby-Doo Haunted House situation. Do we offer this recently de-housed relative to stay rent free in the empty murder house? In a Covid world, this person could save money, get a change of scenery, and do a real solid by simply existing in a house so it wasn’t further burgled for being vacant, for being there if a pipe bursts, for simply keeping an eye out so small damage doesn’t become massive damage.
But every scary old movie I’ve ever seen has taught me that, “All you have to do is spend one night in this haunted house and it can be yours!” is what happens at the beginning where everyone goes mad by the end. Especially with Covid and divorce and the further isolation of location change, it seems like we’d be idiots not to see this might be problematic. And of course, despite the carpet change and new paint, our divorcee spent time in this house before Victim died, has many memories of better times, presumably will be aware of how empty and quiet the house is for the first time in memory. And of course, Victim’s stuff is still all there.
But it seems very stupid not to be practical. Money! Mutual benefit! Grown Ass Adult Can Make Their Own Decision! Maybe I am nervous because of recent experiences not accurately predicting the worst that might happen to people I care about.
What would you do? Not if you were the person who got the offer, but if you were the person who had to decide whether to make the offer?
Nope. I couldn’t do it. The person receiving the offer is in no position to refuse and may feel pushed into something that definitely is NOT okay. Stress of divorce might also compromise their decision making abilities. But you are the Responsible Adult here and my mom always taught me “when in doubt, don’t” Now, she was talking about buying clothes and dating certain guys but I find the advice useful for almost every situation. In doubt? Don’t do it.
I would make the offer. For all you know divorcee is thinking along the same lines and afraid to ask. I’d offer like – I know this might seem weird and you won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t do it, but – here’s an option if you want it. And then leave it at that until the other person responds. Sometimes even being able to say Oh no, I don’t want that! makes it easier to figure out what you do want.
Dear Anne,
I weigh in with no. If your family (and I’m assuming this relative is on your birth family’s side), they must have other ways for helping him/her. If the sale of the house is a legal issue, this person’s staying there might also be a legal issue. And, of course we’re not talking about “psychic” “hainting” but the psychological effects surely won’t help this person get back on his or her feet. What is the “money” involved — that which the relative saves? I won’t blither on. Sounds like a bad idea to me.
Thinking about you, Anne. Take care, Jan
Oh sorry, I see that relative is a woman.
I think I would make the offer, trying to make it clear that they can definitely absolutely say no, it’s only if they think it would be good for them too, and they they can also leave at any time, no obligation to stay if they find it too uncomfortable/weird/creepy. BUT, before I did that, I would have a look at the legal status that offer puts the estate in. Does inviting someone to house-sit make them a legal tenant in that area? Especially if you can’t sell it for legal reasons, establishing a tenancy may also be a problem. Allowing someone to live there might even be, I don’t know. Do house-sitters exist as a legal category? What does either status mean as far as getting them out if they decide they want to stay and the family doesn’t want them there anymore? I would also tell them, if they want to do it, that for both side’s protection you need to have a contract in place.
I should say, this is probably due to my paranoia as a person who has moved to the UK and discovered that here it is literally possible for strangers to move into your house while you’re on vacation and for it to then take several months for you to get them out (if they didn’t break anything to get in and they signed a ‘lease’, even with someone who isn’t you or is in fact their own friend/relative, they’ll have renters protections including not being evicted without notice, etc. It’s a set of laws that made sense in WWII when lots of people had died and lots of houses had been destroyed but not necessarily in matching sets, but not so much now), but I’d want to be very clear on what the legal issues are.
So, IF you were to do this, I would clear all belongings of previous occupants out and put them in storage for going through at a later date.
But first, I would clear the legalities of having a boarder in the house given the legal tangle it is currently tied up in.
I would most definitely clarify that this will not have a detrimental effect on the relative’s mental health being in the house knowing what happened.
Another thing to consider is if the legalities clear up fairly quickly, will the relative be able to leave the house quickly so it can be prepped for sale?
Is this someone you believe will be only temporary? Could this become an issue in the future?
And, as an aside, my beliefs are to never mix money/property/belongings you care about and relatives. These things never end well.
My personal opinion is not to do it because of the future plans of selling the house as soon as able. (I’m assuming that’s the plan.)
As a future mental health professional, I don’t think it would be mentally beneficial to someone going through a divorce. She will be battling depression, anxiety, and several other emotions. To add constant reminders of a grief-filled situation could be too much for her.
Also, are you in a place where you would be comfortable cleaning out the house before this relative moved in? I am assuming this responsibility would fall on you and your husband.
Lots of things to consider, but if in doubt, I say hold off.
I was going to say “yes, make the offer, they can always say no!” but after reading the excellent points made by your commenters, I’m not so sure. I can certainly see both sides.
I think in your situation I would wuss out a bit. I would think about saying something like “we’d like to help out, can we do this or this or that for you, or if you come up with anything else that seems reasonable, let me know and I’d be happy to talk about it”. E.g. can I inspect a couple rental options for you, do you need a place to stay while you inspect rental options, can I organise an Air BnB for a couple nights for you, I have a spare afternoon I could spend helping you pack, things like that.
And I wouldn’t mention the house. Or I might mention the house in an earlier conversation (without saying “IF ONLY WE HAD SOMEONE LIVING THERE HINT HINT”, lol) but not in the conversation where I’m offering help to this person.
That way the person knows that you want to help out, and may figure out that the house is an option. But if they do figure out that the house is an option, they won’t feel as obliged to consider the house as being their ONLY option for assistance from you guys.
Idk. I can see there are no perfect solutions here. I agree with others that the person’s mental health is a huge issue but perhaps leaving it a *bit* more open would then help them decide if they could handle it?? I don’t envy you with this issue. I don’t envy them going through the divorce, either, of course.
Good luck!
As a currently unhoused person, YES make the offer. I would be so much less stressed if I had a quiet place to live. Murder house or no.
Well, as someone who has been in the position of needing a place to land – I would make the offer and let the grown ass person decide for him/herself whether or not spending time in a murder house is too much. My limited experience with the spirit world leads me to believe that only some people allow the door between worlds to be opened. So your relative could choose based on personal experience or need or whatever if this situation is ok.
By “muscle relaxants,” do you mean benzos? lorazepam, alprazeolam, Valium? You shouldn’t be on these unless you are under in-patient care. Seriously sad to see such a brilliant and talented person suffer like this.
Thanks for the good thoughts. The muscle relaxer was Methocarbamol.