In an effort to curb doomscrolling, yet allow myself to sit brainlessly at the computer screen for literal hours on end, I have been down some pretty weird wormholes, folks.

(Down Weird Wormholes was the third place contender for titles.)

A few weeks ago, I searched how to wash one’s vagina.

Basically, my scalp has turned to lizard skin, I’ve got skin tags** growing like mushrooms off a dank forest log, and a red rash that doubles as a necklace. So as you might guess, I am cutting out everything. NO SHAMPOO. NO CONDITIONER. THE MOST DELICATE OF SOAPS. As a sweet young thing growing up in the 80s/90s, I thought middle age would only make me a metaphorical witch. BUT NO, I’m like this close to living in a gingerbread hut. Throw in my newfound fascination with tarot cards, and I have completed my transformation just in time for Halloween, which sadly, got canceled. BUT we will not discuss why, because the title is our bond.

Anyway, my vulva/vagina area has not particularly been bothering me, but with the rest of the products I was getting rid of, I had some curiosity about What Might Happen if I just chucked my soap and did some human experiments on personal hygiene with an n of 1. But any good scientist must do their basic research before attempting such endeavors into the unknown.

Turns out? You don’t need soap. I mean, according to internet blowhards/experts. I am in no way giving public testimony about the state of my vagina. Yet.

But what struck me then, and continues to return to my mind every so often was the reasoning given: Your vagina is like your eye.

You might wash the outside lid of your eye, say if you were wearing make-up or particularly dirty, but you would never consider washing your actual eyeball with soap. MAYBE flush it with some water if needs be, but basically, most of the holes in your body are self-cleaning. Except for your mouth of course, but that’s mainly because of the teeth aspect. And so long as you are no vagina dentanta (although we witches might wish it so) you needn’t bother with soap.

Anyway, I’ve been strutting around for the past few months: VAGINA EYE.

Like, it’s been keeping me entertained in an otherwise dull stretch of months. At first, it was just a magic third eye, which I DIDN’T google until just now, so mostly got confabulated with Magic 8 Ball. Spent a few chuckles asking my vagina-eye questions (VAGINA EYE, will this zoom meeting ever end?) and imagining it responding with IT IS DEFINITELY SO.

Vagina Eye sometimes morphs into the Eye of Sauron, disturbingly so after I bought that home waxing kit

Which, later let us discuss the absolute bravery and mindless stupidity of that act. Like, I either need a medal or an official warning label.

Although Eye of Sauron is evil and angry, which I do not like when considering my vagina, nor do I like the uncomfortably similar visual. However, I DO like the symmetry of them both being eyes, which do not require washing. They self-cleanse! One less thing for me to worry about these days, thanks.

But then, as I was showering this morning, I realized how dumb that whole line of logic was, because if I got jizz in my eye, I would definitely use some soap.

(WHO DARES JIZZ IN THE EYE OF SAURON was the runner up for titles)

**Years ago, a commenter on this blog told me skin tags were called ‘witch’s tits’ which I’ve also recently regoogle wormoled

(ha! What if I took those two words (regoogle wormoled) back to 1993 and nobody knew WTF I was talking about?)

(Kind of like now, I guess, but different)

enchanted by the logic that a) a witch has familiars 2) familiars must eat 4) can’t be normal food, or even human milk from a regular nipple and so 3) seKret SurPrISE nipple, proof of witchery! Like, what stupid fucking logic got us here? Honestly, sometimes I think people will say/believe anything if it involves sex and women being evil. Looking at you, organized religion.