This year both my parents forgot my birthday, a ’la Sixteen Candles. I’m kind of caught between annoyed shock, maturely telling myself this development is NBD, or simply scraping the bottom of my fucks barrel, only to find I have no more left to give. All I know is that between Mom drinking at ten in the morning this holiday and Dad acting like a two year old, my Molly Ringwald style side eye/eye roll game is on FLEEK. Call me, Hollywood! We’ll do a reboot.
Cool Thing My Dad Said
Dad, handing me a LEARN SPANISH book: Here, look at this! I’m doing.. well, I’m…. (gestures to the book, searching for words).
Me (game-facing hard, because there is no way my dad has the capacity to read this book): You’re learning Spanish? Cool.
Dad: Well, you know how Mexicans… They’re taking over… you know… and soon, they’ll be….
Me (desperate panic-thinking): Please don’t. The Dad from my childhood taught me not to be a racist. Please don’t start spurting some kind of hate-fear mongering Fox News rhetoric. I can take you crapping your pants, but I don’t think I can take wondering if this was always the secret real you.
Dad: They say Mexicans are going to take over the country… And if they do? (face lights up triumphantly) Well I want to be able to talk to them!
Technical Aspects
This is another one of those sections mostly for the benefit of readers following the specifics of the dementia thing. When my dad was more cognizant, he voluntarily signed over power of attorney to my mother. As my mother explained it, they had also set up his trust so that I would have power of attorney if Mom died. I guess we all thought that would be enough cover to get things done.
Let me preface this by saying, obvs, I am not a lawyer. Am in fact, only blearily putting things together after searching the internet and listening to Middle’s alarmed phone calls. But I guess me having power of attorney for my dad does not prevent my father from making legal decisions. If I understand correctly, it gives us equal power.
This is problematic because the big fear is that my mom will die and my dad will refuse to go into a home. Middle thinks we need to get my dad declared incompetent, so he has no rights and we can decide what’s best for him.
Guess who is just demented enough to be extremely paranoid about people trying to steal his rights? Yeah, he still hasn’t forgiven my mother for telling him he can’t drive anymore. Man cannot remember how to turn a faucet or button pants, can relate in specific detail how he was screwed out of his drivers license.
During this past visit, Mom assured me that Dad’s doctor has written out some kind of statement confirming Dad’s got dementia, and that Mom is holding that paper for us should we ever need it.
This did not pass a sniff test. I asked, “Doesn’t it need to be filed somewhere, or notarized or something?” Mostly because it would be scary as hell if a doctor could take away your rights just by whipping out a note on a prescription pad, amirite?
Mom insisted it was like a police badge. You just flash it in front of authorities, and everyone’s cool.
Google Esq., does not back this theory up. But, it does say that declaring someone incompetent mandates Social Services involvement and court dates, among other things. I can see why my mom’s not filing it – my dad would probably freak the fuck out. But holy crap, the last thing I want to do post-Mom funeral is take my dad to court to get him out of a house he can’t live in anymore. So I dunno… anyone with experience in this area want to advise?
Just went through the make sure this trust thing is good and update after my older siblings (who were appointed for everything) passed.
The lawyer explained the power of attorney thing to me — first there are two, one is medical and the other for everything else. For the everything else, we need letters from TWO doctors saying that dad or mom is not competent. According to the papers we signed, it says if we have those two letters then the power of attorney is in effect. It didn’t say anything about having those letters notarized. This is a standard state of CA document …
I have nothing useful to offer … the slightest sense of encroachment on independence triggers more offense and it gets very personal very quickly which results in increasing levels of irritation and distrust on their part. Feels like a fkng endless field of landmines 🙁
Also, my situation is not even close to yours but signs of what may come are popping up. You have my deepest sympathy/empathy for being deemed responsible for what is truly beyond your control at this time. My area has a number of advocacy groups that provide truly useful support and assistance to others in your position – if one doesn’t offer what you need, it should be able to steer you towards others.
PS belated happy birthday wishes!
Oh ye gods. I have no helpful legal/emotional advice to offer but would suggest (and you may’ve done this already) that you at least get a copy of said form from your mother.
Heaven forbid, but if your mother passed, and then your father found and destroyed the form, or if you just couldn’t find it…. I know you could go through the process of getting it again, but it’d be easier if you had a copy already. :/
ALSO I FORGOT TO SAY HAPPY FORGOTTEN BIRTHDAY. I don’t think that’s ironic, or even Alanis-Morrissette-ironic, but whoops sorry anyway!
The first year my mother forgot my birthday, I felt absolutely sucker punched. Not that I ever cared, or needed her to care about my birthday, but my mom was one of the last of the true communicators. She remembered everybody’s birthday, anniversary, promotion, graduation, you name it – up to and including anniversaries of special days in other people’s lives, be it a day of loss or a day of triumph. I used to buy her 120 stamps at the beginning of the month, and sometimes she rather sheepishly asked for more. So forgetting the birthday of her only daughter? The one who was attempting to meet her needs and desires in her final years? Yeah, big deal on the dementia is real front. Like others, I regret that I have no advice for you re: POA. I will share that the SS office here would not recognize said document. They needed to talk to Mom to make sure whatever I was telling/asking them might be her desire. They could accept talking to her on the phone. I pointed out how absolutely ridiculous that seemed to me, that they refused to acknowledge a notarized legal document, but they would believe anything they heard by any person I might scrounge up to portray my mother on the phone. They were not amused, but they also didn’t budge. All I can say is best of wishes to you – birthday and otherwise, and remember to take care of yourself – the first oxygen mask and all that.
Um… no idea about the legal stuff. Just want to say that I lurves me some Anne, and I pray for strength and a good-friggin’-sense-of-humor to carry you thru.
We are doing Alzheimers over here in chaos… but it is removed enough that it is mostly a vague ache (my husband’s grandmother is disappearing into a confused amiability).
But.
It all sucks.
Dear Anne “Natalie,”
Don’t you or your parents have an attorney? If not, please try to find someone who is sympathetic/emphethic.
I am going through something worse, although the comparison is not really helpful.
Please get some legal backup. I wish I could help more.
all best and hugs,
Jan
p.s. Forgive me if you do have a lawyer. If not, yeah, so lawyers cost $200+ an hour — but it might be worth peace of mind. Shop around? Our lawyer has had other clients with ALS (my husband is dying of ALS), and she herself is disabled, so she is VERY helpful. Does CA have a Department of Aging — maybe some other state or federal resource to help advise you on ways to proceed.
HUGS YOU!
Jan
My kid turns 17 tomorrow and I forgot his birthday until he reminded me. He got a computer for Christmas and the agreement was that covered his birthday too.
We decided we would go out to dinner at a place of his choice. And I apologized for forgetting.
Hugs? I got Internet hugs and that’s it today. Happy birthday. You’re as old as I am for another month. We’re practically Irish twins!