I’m coming out because of my dad. It took me a few days to see that, but I’ll cop to it now that I do. Of all the things he could be trying to teach me as an adult (Hey, lose some weight/treat your body better, or stay current on your job skills so you don’t get locked out due to the whole 10 year SAHM sabbatical, or let’s talk about financial planning) this is the stumbling block we keep coming back to, lo these past five years.
My grandfather died after a long illness. I saw him in the hospital a year before he died. He said, “Finish your degree, so I can die happy.”
I was late twenties then, way past the age of magical thinking. But I still thought, “No way am I going to do something that gives you the OK to give up.” Even knowing magical thinking was bullshit, and even being a grown up, I still dawdled the shit out of my degree until he died and broke our agreement.
It feels weird to not feel the same about my dad. I don’t believe that by not learning how to be Anne, I can keep him around and in his right mind, preternaturaly driven by his obligation to parent me. Like always, he will slip right by with his ‘take it or leave it,’ attitude whether I learn this lesson or not.
I think, “What if there is another lesson after this, and I never hear it because I can’t get past this one?”
I think, “Is this me being an asshole again — bending over backwards to get his approval? Because if that’s what we’re doing here, Anne, that is pretty much pissing in the holy water of this lesson about being yourself despite what other people think, FYI.”
But mostly, I think this is not about him at all, at least not in the sense of making him happy. I’m terrified that if he dies/loses his mind before I figure this out, I will be trapped in this place forever. I know from past experience that when bad stuff happens, part of me gets frozen at the age I was when it happened. I so badly do not want him to die while I’m stuck here, afraid to be who I want to be.
I wish you peace during all of this. There are no easy answers. You have to do whatever is right for you.
Thinking of you.
<3
Well… poo. That’s the thing about parents. They are people, and sometimes they are sorta… well… weirdoes or the sorts of folks who have their own beats that they march to. Or rumba to… or whatev’s the hell it is they do. Maybe that’s part of growing up is learning who your parents really are, and then accepting whoever that turns out to be.
My daddy is emotionally disconnected and my mom is high functioning on the Autistic spectrum. Much as I love them and wish they could be a certain way for me… or for my kids, they are who they are and they can give the way they can give. No more and no less… and certainly none of it is super warm or touchy feely.
Sigh… yes, i did read the post… and I know that what you were really writing about here was the path of revealing the truth of Anne…. but it was what you wrote about your dad that really resonated with me.
Having just reached a point where I am at long last extricating myself from the glue-traps holding me to my ages of trauma, I am untether-ing in a positive sense and actually flirting with optimism. With that fragile optimism I want to say that I don’t believe you will freeze up, I think your process is consciously and intentionally underway and that may be slowed and certainly distracted by grief/anger/sorrow etc. but I don’t think you will get stuck.
So, this analogy will be meaningless if you have not read Miss Pettigrew lives for a day, but I can not think of another way to say this so I am just hoping you have: Miss Pettigrew knocks on the door of a potential employer, in desperate straits, and is brought in and a day begins that all leads forward and to happiness but she has no conception that that could ever be in her future as she stands in the hallway in her frumpy inadequate coat in her defeated middle aged despair. I think you are mid-day in the analogy. Not aware what is ahead and how close you are to making peace because it is chaotic and confusing and risky and hopeless and terrifying in the middle. But you are not on the doorstep, you are half-way through the day- rising to the challenge, bluffing when necessary, building courage and becoming yourself.
I have been thinking of blogging, but one thing that stops me is self-protection, that absolute anonymity would be required otherwise I don’t think I could say a word. I recognize it is fear of what other people would think but have been using the excuse of being a private person. So I want to express my admiration that you can write what you do (style and brutal honesty which I fear are beyond me anyway) and share it. I can’t do it anonymously so I am impressed you can knowing siblings etc. will be reading.
“Letting go of the promise of that job I trained for is terrifying. I spent a butt-load of my life and money on it. But I’m old enough that the fear of not ever becoming who I am supposed to be is even more frightening. Being stuck between those fears sucks, but it is wonderful too.” Yes, exactly.
Sorry for the tome, I lack the ability to be concise.