So remember in Ghostbusters, for most of the movie, the big rule is to not cross the streams? But in the face of the indestructible Stay Puft Marshmallow monster, the Ghostbusters realize the only way to save the citizens of New York City is to (dun.. dun… dun…!) cross the streams?
I bring this up because this blog has been my place to be Anne. Out in the real world, I’ve spent a lot of quality time straight-laced into my Stepford Wife persona. I always thought that to cross those two people would be bad. How bad? As Ego Spengler puts it, “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.” I would only change that for me, everything would be exploding at the speed of shame.
Q: What’s living in secret like? A bit like being suffocated in the folds of a giant, flaming, marshmallow monster. Sweet, slow, and terrifying.
So I’ve started to cross the streams. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been more AWOL here lately. But currently (aside from my husband, who has always known) there are fully three people who know me in real life and also have read this blog.
Q: What’s that feel like? Every time I turn my mind to it, my guts go flutter-flutter-staccato-stutter and it gets hard to breathe. It sticks a fork into almost every post I’ve thought about posting. But it hasn’t killed me. Nor tuned the husband into a demon dog key master.
I had hoped that when these two streams crossed, the Anne part would stand tall and hold her ground. But that hasn’t been true. It’s been easy not to post here, and at every turn, the Stepford Wife chides me with the same old haunts of silence.
These days, it sounds like, “If you leaked your secret to this many people, soon everyone will know this is who you really are. You say you’re fine with it. But what about your kids? Are you ready to sign them up to be the daughters of That Crude, Slutty Woman from the Internet? What’d they ever do to deserve standing in that kind of fucked up shadow, Anne?”
Some people will no doubt say, “Get over yourself, Leaker. You’re not that bad.” All I can say is that I’ve cribbed lines from my own blog before. The ones people think are pretty funny. I used to gather them up, ready to sprinkle into in real conversations. I thought I’d be the belle of the ball. But they don’t translate. They don’t win me friends. They win me blank stares and awkward throat clearing and bouts of social isolation. Who knew, right? That poop jokes wouldn’t go over with the 30-something Mommy crowd.
But! Have found three people. Three fantastic, lovely people who know who I really am and still like me. Am holding on to this. And, kind of pathetically, am using this Super NSFW Macklemore song And We Danced as my Rocky-type anthem. Because I am always in the corner, in the corner, looking so small, doing the robot like, “If I die tonight, at least I went hard.”
So fuck it. If that’s not embarrassing enough, I’ll also tell you I’m watching The Vampire Diaries and love-hating it so bad it makes my butt pucker.
I think you’re marvelous, with or without crossing the streams. I understand, too – knowing that people In Real Life are reading one’s blog and are still looking one full in the face afterwards is a very frightening (yet, sometimes liberating) experience. And though I will likely never know who you are IRL, I think that I would enjoy hanging out with non-Stepford Anne tremendously. 🙂
I just assume that unless they actually comment, they’re not reading it even if they ambush me with an unexpected “I like your blog” or click the Facebook Like button. That enables me to continue without sinking into the ground when I meet any of those people to whom I have divulged that I uhm, er, well, kinda, blog.
But you, your writing; that’s too good to hide. Cross the streams with aplomb.
That song is strangely inspiring.
I know of a few people that are struggling with their anonymity currently. What started out as liberating becomes confining. It’s a strange thing.
Being ‘out’ certainly comes with its challenges as well. I wish you luck in finding the right balance for you.
Shoot, woman! I have LOVED that song for months now, but who do I, Mormon Housewife Extrordinairre share that love with?
Not the women in my congregation, my in-laws, my family (who thinks that I am over that kinda crap), my kids or even my sweet husband.
Yeah… pretty much YOU! That’s it. Revel in that knowledge!
As far as shame goes. Fuck shame. Guilt is like pain, it tells us when there is something wrong that we need to fix, but SHAME is the arthritis and the fibromyalgia of the emotional/spiritual world. USELESS and debilitating and I HATE it.
I am so conflicted over crossing the streams: I want to, I don’t want to. My kid’s mental health issues I guess are the big reason for privacy. But I’ve made some great friends, a couple I’ve dropped the veil for and now know IRL, and it has been SO wonderful I want MORE. Anyway I feel yer pain. And I know I love you here, so I’m sure I’d love you IRL too. xo
I’m glad you have three peeps who know the whole you. That’s actually pretty awesome.
I cross the streams all the time and so far it’s been okay for me, even when everyone at work (including my boss) knows about my blog. And you always go hard, that’s why I’ve been reading for so long. It’s always worth it, everything you share.
I hear ya. Be who you need to be wherever you are – you are all of your parts ya know. You will know when the right time to cross the streams will be. I know I have had those moments were the weirder parts of me have leaked out without me being able to censor it and it may have been awkward but that’s ok. I didn’t die from awkward. So far anyway.
I am happy to read whatever you write and will laugh & cry (with you, not at you) and share your awesome weird ass video on facebook and be pretty sure I look cooler by doing so.
OH WOW, go you. That’s really scary!!!! Awesome when it works!
My question would be, do you like Stepford Anne? (Wait, that’s confusing. Anne is Anne, so let’s call Stepford “Betty”) Okay, do you like Stepford Betty? Is she truly a part of you, or is she Anne in sheeps clothing? If you like being Betty, then I would say don’t cross streams any more than you have. However, come to peace with the fact that 3 people know Betty and Anne and start posting again, because my Christmas was just NOT the same without Baby J this year.
On the other hand, if you don’t even like Betty, then screw her! And screw the people who would be sad to see her go. I know that things are more complicated than that and this may not be a “There can be only one!” situation, but I happen to love Anne and she would be sorely missed by many if she vanished into the ether
As for your kids, kids are smart and intuitive and they see people so much more clearly than adults do. You might be able to save them from you potty mouth for a few years, but do you really think that will matter? They already know who you are, your true self, whether that’s Anne or Betty or an amalgamation of the two. They know and some day they will be ashamed of you no matter what you do. If it’s not Anne’s blog post it will be the ugly pants Betty wore to parents night or the Macklemore song they catch her singing while she cooks dinner and either way they will know it’s you and they will be mortified. They great thing about that, and kids in general, is that they will love you anyway. Once they get past the oh-my-god-my-mother-is-sooo-embarassing stage, they will be proud as hell that they have such a witty, awesonme, funny mom.
WOW, sorry about all the typos! You need an edit function in comments!
What Marci said! (I’ve had no coffee. And it’s finals week so I’m plagiarizing. JK) She said it so perfectly that I don’t need to repeat it!
de-lurking to say, “What Marci said!”
Been reading for a few years now and I miss you.
I completely understand this. I have my blog where I post my writings and about things I want to experiment with. I complain about life and work and writer’s block. I talk some about grieving for my father and the weird things it’s done in my life. No one reads it. And I think it’s safer that way. If I crossed my streams, I think I’d be ostracized from all of my circles. But still I wish I could. I wish I could share it with someone. Anyone. So I with you luck. Maybe it would give me the courage to do the same.