Well, it has been a weird few months. Let me put on my Inigo Montoya voice: There is no attention span long enough (yours nor mine) to explain, so let me sum up.
The Cool Thing (TCT) has been a slow earthquake over here – all at once No Big Deal and a Huge Fucking Deal. Two of the most interesting things that have happened so far have been that:
- My Bitching Card was revoked. No matter what kind of shit happens to me now, the response from most people who know me has been a raised eyebrow and, “Yeah, but TCT happened, so… You know.” And I am obligated by all social constraints to humbly bow my head, blush, and retract any trace of irritation. Look, even now, complaining about it, I’m as asshole. That is the power of having my Bitching Card removed. Sucks man.
- More people than I would have guessed were Not Happy about TCT. You surprise people with information, and it turns out you get some real honest responses. I’d say a full third of people I considered friends had pretty disbelieving/angry responses to TCT. Like I’d been blowing smoke when telling them about my progress up until that point, and they’d been expecting to hear I’d failed miserably. I’d say more about this, but my Bitching Card.
Other than that, most days I feel like I am going a little crazy. I stopped writing here because I do not want this blog to be part of TCT. Every time I wanted to tell you something, I was afraid that I’d make some connection between the two and be found out. Worse, when I was found out, everyone would say, “You must have wanted this to happen, or you wouldn’t have done it.” I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. But I don’t know how to keep going on with TCT like everything’s normal when this part of me is stashed in a closet with duct tape over her mouth.
So, in short order:
Middle and her baby both almost died of sepsis. She agreed to an emergency c-section after the doctor came in and said, “You have to choose whom to save.” Middle chose to protect the baby, and they both made it out OK. Needless to say, my sister is having some continued emotional fall-out about the kid’s health six months later. Can’t blame her.
My dad. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with him. I know my mom looks stressed all the time, and my dad seems crankier/older since they moved. I think they are purposefully keeping things from me about his health, and I’m caught between trusting their judgment and chaffing under the lie.
My grandmother died. That’s my dad’s mom. She was in her mid-90’s and she went like she wanted to: 1) alone, so she didn’t scare anybody 2) fully dressed and 3) quickly. Or so says the coroner’s report. I think my dad was determined not to cause Grandma the pain of his dying first, and now that she’s gone, he’s lost in a sea of possibilities. Or maybe I just worry about his wellbeing to the point of paranoia.
Not sure what comes next. Can’t tell yet if the crazy is that good creative kind you get when you’re doing something cool, or if it’s the kind that unravels you and makes people whisper out of the sides of their mouths, “Jesus, if only she’d stuck to normal stuff, she wouldn’t be yelling at that lamp post now.”
Once I tell this lamp post a thing or two, I’ll be sure to get back to you.
ETA: On re-read, this is a hella sad-assed post. As apologies, please enjoy this supremely NSFW video by Macklemore. I lost it at the R. Kelly reference:
1. Delighted to see you.
2. Still very happy for you about TCT even though I have not a clue what it is; for if it is cool to you, that is all I need to know.
3. Having TCT should not revoke your bitching card. Just because one thing is super-cool doesn’t mean other things aren’t craptastic on occasion. You may borrow my bitching card if it would help.
4. Your sister, her child, your parents, and you and yours are all in my warm thoughts.
5. Did I mention I was delighted to see you? Just making sure. 🙂
Well, *I* am happy for you about TCT even if it IS that you sold a shitty vampire screenplay for 4 million dollars or got an enormous diamond ring from your husband. I LIKE YOU. I think you should still be able to share the crappy life stuff.
Also, I am so sorry about your sister and the baby and your parents and the loss of your grandma. That’s A LOT. I’m sorry you haven’t had support, esp bc of TCT. That is messed up.
Praying, for what that’s worth. And I don’t just say that. xo
DUDE. YOU CAN ALWAYS BITCH HERE. FOREVER. Or email me a post and I’ll put it on my blog where three people will read it and applaud you. I’m so sorry things are fucked and your safe place here doesn’t feel that way. I miss youuuuuuuuuu!
So glad to hear from you! You are missed!
i hope you got your very heart’s desire for your cool thing. Truly, i do. You have delighted me for years…i personally swear to never think of this you as not your name here and should i stumble on your secret identity ? Ye shall not be outed. You have the best nom de plume anyway…I have to tell you it took some time before i snapped to it…like more than days…i lol’ed like heck over it. Middle! So brave…she made such hard choices ! My best thoughts to you and your family.. Bitch cards are irrevokable. I have so proclaimed it, I carry a bitch badge myself…i pull it out so often it’s self polishing. Am very glad for this update. Love, the only woman on the net who never apolgizes for the ungodly length of her comments.
You have NO idea how badly we’ve needed your presence here — things have been all kinds of f*ked up and no AN to get funky wit da misery. Damn, girl, you came back just in time for — heyyy wait a minute! You just wanted to hit us up before 12/21/12, like a fly-by? Hmmmph. Miss ya like crazy. For real. Bummed that TCT isn’t able to be a magic carpet for family issues, scary/hard (wtf 2012? just stop it!) with some grace notes for good measure. Hope the babies big & small are thriving in all ways. Please say you’ll drop by again, like a bright shiny hope hanging on the holiday tree. Ok? That’d be awesome. The possibility of more is enough to keep me happy, here. (best peaceful holiday wishes to you & yours)
Oh, Anne. Damn. That’s a lot of shit in one year. I wish TCT could make it all better. HUGZ, yo.
OMG, almost the best thing that has happened to me today, seeing a post from you. I check about once a week to see if there is any news. And today, YAY! Happy you are here, pissed i don’t know your thing and sorry you have so much shit to deal with. Here we are.
Good to see you again! Missed you!
I understand the desire to keep your worlds separate. And it sounds like the other world is keeping you busy! But it’s good to see you anyway. 🙂
So happy to see you back! Bitch cards cannot be revoked!! 🙂
I pretty much second everything the first commenter said. But… boy am I glad to hear from you!
You should just email us about TCT! I promise I will not break confidentiality 😀
Well, congratulations still on TCT and it should work independently from the Bitching Card. Life is complicated and you should be able to vent about the shit even when there is cool stuff going on in another area.
Sorry about Middle/baby sepsis. Had a completely different situation with my son’s birth but my health was very compromised and it makes for a very emotionally tricky time. I hope they are both doing better.
Grandma/Dad stuff, sigh, what is there to say but I hope you are doing well through it.
Glad you’re back, if only briefly.