What Life Looks Like On The Pill
Days 1 – 26
Sweet, chemically induced uterine silence.
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Day 27
Anne: Hi, Period. I have you down for arrival tomorrow, sometimes between noon and five. I’ll take some accommodations in the gym bag just in case you get here before lunch. And I’ll be starting up new pills on Sunday, so I am expecting you to clear out of here by Monday morning. Will there be anything else?
Period: No, Ma’am. I can’t believe I fell for that whole chemically induced false pregnancy thing again. You sure are a trickster, Anne. Anyway, pleasure to be working with you.
Anne: Hope you enjoyed your stay at Chez Nahm Uterus. See you again next month.
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What Life Looks Like Off The Pill
Day 2
Period: Whoooooo! Free of my chemical restraints! Freedom! I’m going party in your uterus like its 1999!
Anne: Why am I crying and laughing at the same time?
Period: hahahahahahahahaha! See ya around, sucker!
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Day 15
Period: Hey Anne! Just thought I’d drop in for a few minutes. I lost track of time. I’m not supposed to be here yet, huh?
Anne: Uh… No. It’s day 15.
Period: Whoops! My bad! Ok, I’m gone. Really. Forget I even stopped in. Sorry about the mess.
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Day 20
Period: Hi! I thought I’d call you on the cramp phone and let you know I’m swinging into town. I’m not exactly sure when. I’m gonna let it ring off the hook though, so we are definitely in communication this time about my arrival. Anyway, cramps. Enjoy!
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Day 21
Period: Just kidding. I got caught up talking to the left ovary all night – you know, bonding over that whole female reproductive thing. Seriously though. I’m walking out the door to see you right….now.
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Day 25
Anne: Hi, Period. I’m expecting you sometime in the next couple of days. Shall I look for you around lunchtime like always? …Hello?
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Day 28
Anne: Hello? I know you are there – the cramp phone keeps calling me.
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Day 32
Anne: Ok, now you owe me eight dollars for the pregnancy test you know damn well I didn’t have to take this morning.
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Day 35
Period: Here I am! Here I am!
Anne: You realize I’m in the middle of dinner.
Period: Yeah. And when you get up, you’re gonna realize I actually got here right before you served the salad.
Anne: You asshole. I gave up on period panties two days ago. These are the lacies.
Period: Yeah, it looks like Carrie at the Prom down here. And don’t act like you didn’t know I was coming – I saw you eat the ears off the chocolate bunnies Sunday morning. Easter Hamsters Anne? You don’t think your kids really bought that story, do you?
Anne: I am so putting a cork in you.
Period: Oh you ain’t seen nothing yet. Your Aunt Flo is gonna make one hot crazybitch mess up in here for you!
Anne: Did you just steal that line from Project Runway?
Period: Oh now it. Is. On. You really gonna call me out like that? ‘Cause I know you’ll be wanting to get your marital relations on sometime in the next ninety days. And when you do? Oh honey. I’ll be showing you what a hot crazybitch mess really looks like.
That was classic! Will come back in hopes of some more humor!
Caroline
SmartyPantsMama.blogspot.com
Perfect portrayal of the evil recurring visitor, but I went off the pill 4 years ago and it’s been total bliss for me ever since! (Must have had something to do with the hysterectomy I had 4 years ago.)
Wow – how true – too true frankly, yet so funny and frank about Aunt Flo – I only wish men could understand how we barely function at times, that we really need those foot massages and lower back massages which won’t get you anywhere with us yet to calm us down just a bit even though we try to calm ourselves down with chocolate and salty chips…Just over mine, and thanks once again reminding me what we all go through – you are very funny keep up the great work!
That’s why my Hubby will skip lunch for a week if needed to pay for our Pill. She’s such a bitch! He hates her too, and the cramp phone don’t even ring in his gut!
Gosh I wish I could write like you!!! You are truly hilarious and I wish I could only look upon my period as you do! It’s a good thing for my husband he has been overseas…he doesn’t even know the WRATH my period causes now, especially since it still isn’t under control/on track since having my son 2 years ago!! DAMN AUNT FLO! 🙂
haha Reading this had me laughing! Seriously funny, because it is so true! I’m waiting for that unwelcome visitor to show up now, and of course it is late again, as usual.
Oh my, I am SO not alone. I came across this post in your comment at Bad Mom/Good Mom. I too, left a comment with a link to my post on MY period. Hey, at least it gives us something to blog about so it can’t all be bad, right?!
Mine is more of a grouchy reluctant toddler. Same attitude, less vocabulary.
Sunday, Bloggy Sunday…
By Mindy and Jenny Last week we asked you guys to share the links of things you wrote or read that you thought needed a little extra attention and we got some fabulous stuff. Today we’re highlighting a few of……
Awesome! I haven’t seen mine in 15 months and I’m not missing it.
Now, of course, you’ve got me dreading its return!
OMG! Aunt Flo used to completely b*tchslap me every month! She would bring her buddy endometriosis and render me bedridden. Thanks to continuous pills, I haven’t seen those jerks since 2001. Good riddance!
Just hilarious!
Now this is funny!!! Anne your brilliant.