{"id":7551,"date":"2019-03-04T10:48:22","date_gmt":"2019-03-04T17:48:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/?p=7551"},"modified":"2019-04-10T10:11:50","modified_gmt":"2019-04-10T17:11:50","slug":"mothers-keeper","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/?p=7551","title":{"rendered":"Mother&#8217;s keeper"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Snuggled up and on the edge of sleep last night, it occurred to me that eyes and ears are such small holes to let information in, compared to the vast area of skull that keeps stuff out. The whole world is out there, most of it bumping off your head like the DVD logo screensaver, rejected. That\u2019s what my dad\u2019s death feels like so far. It comes at me from time to time, only to get bumped back.<\/p>\n<p><code><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"giphy-embed\" src=\"https:\/\/giphy.com\/embed\/op8213GjaQb0Q\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/code><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/logo-hits-dvd-op8213GjaQb0Q\">via GIPHY<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Some commenters pointed out that my mom might be at increased risk now. That makes sense.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s some ugly: I called to check in every day for about a week after he died. Then Mom traveled to Little\u2019s in prep for my sister giving birth. I started texting instead of calling, telling myself it was because I didn\u2019t want to intrude. But the truth was, I was glad to not call every day. It was exhausting.<\/p>\n<p>Then my mom didn\u2019t respond to a couple of texts. A reasonable take could\u2019ve been that I should have called. Or kept texting until I got a response.\u00a0 She might&#8217;ve needed extra care.<\/p>\n<p>I\u00a0 thought, <em>Fuck it. This is as far as I can go.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Part of that decision felt healthy. A hard-won lesson from my dad\u2019s decline\/mom\u2019s decisions based on that decline: no matter how much I worry\/obsess about a parent, it pays off diddly-shit in terms of controlling their behavior. How many years had I spent late-night-stressing about whether my mom was going to die by caregiving, only to have her do as she pleased anyway?<\/p>\n<p>Somewhat related, after the every-day-check-ins, it felt that if I put continued energy into the her, I might become her keeper for the rest of her life. Another thing I learned from my mom is that there\u2019s no easy exit strategy for caregiving, and plans made when things are in flux become cemented with stability. I have other people depending on me. Even if my mother decides to die because no one is there, I cannot be her person.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, the other part of that decision felt spiteful. My mother has a history of being a great mother, interspersed with abandoning me. When she didn\u2019t respond to those texts, I felt this muted rage. After all, it\u2019s not just about her losing her husband. I lost my father. Some of the concerns I had for her well-being, she might\u2019ve felt for me. She hasn\u2019t asked if I\u2019m OK, though she\u2019s been fine with me reaching out to comfort her. I get that her blowback is greater than mine, but I still felt this surge of <em><a href=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/?p=5457\">You abdicated your parentage of me<\/a>, what am I doing chasing after you?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Spiteful thinking puts me in a circle of doubt. Maybe my calls aren\u2019t a comfort to her, but a responsibility. The clay-art ashtray to a parent who doesn\u2019t smoke and now must feign appreciation. As comparison, our foster dog is getting to the Annoyed Mom level where she\u2019ll just get up and walk away from her pups when she\u2019d done nursing. Also, the pups have gotten big enough that they can hang on to her teats when she stands.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-7552\" src=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/22-e1551721536769-768x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"768\" height=\"1024\" srcset=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/22-e1551721536769-768x1024.jpg 768w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/22-e1551721536769-113x150.jpg 113w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/22-e1551721536769-300x400.jpg 300w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/22-e1551721536769-1200x1600.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 768px) 100vw, 768px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Talk about empathy between two bitches when this dog looks at me, dragging a couple of greedy puppies by her nipples. When I take this dog out for a walk, the way she sniffs the air and prances down the sidewalk pup-free is something that lifts even my chary heart.<\/p>\n<p>But then I realize if I have these feelings, probably my mother does too. About me.<\/p>\n<p>Anyway, I haven\u2019t texted her or tried to call since. Here\u2019s to hoping that\u2019s coming from a real healthy-stepping-back-self-protection place instead of a fuck-you-angry-kid place, but I\u2019m honestly not sure what rules the day.<\/p>\n<p><strong>In the event you need closure on some hanging threads in my life:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Little\u2019s baby status: HEALTHY! BABY! BOY!<br \/>\nPuppy status: Eyes open, wobbling around on puppy legs, peeing freely all over the place. Did I think it smelled like dog before? OH GOD, LOL, MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD, I KNEW NOTHING OF DOG.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-7553\" src=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-1024x768.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"768\" srcset=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-1024x768.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/59-1200x900.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/> <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-7554\" src=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-1024x768.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" height=\"768\" srcset=\"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-1024x768.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-150x113.jpg 150w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/annenahm.com\/anneimage\/2019\/03\/79-1200x900.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/p>\n<p><strong>Stay Tuned for Future Exciting Episodes:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Middle pointed out The Exes will be invited to Dad\u2019s memorial, date pending. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (sound continues into eternity)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Snuggled up and on the edge of sleep last night, it occurred to me that eyes and ears are such small holes to let information in, compared to the vast area of skull that keeps stuff out. The whole world is out there, most of it bumping off your head like the DVD logo screensaver, &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[29,35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dad","category-fight-with-my-mom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7551"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7551\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7612,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7551\/revisions\/7612"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}