Two nights ago, in the dark and wee hours of sleep, my husband (who gets extremely uncomfortable when I mention him in any way on the internet. Sorry, hon!) rolled onto his side, threw an arm over me, and pulled me close. Trademark move of the big spoon.<\/p>\n
In that moment, mostly still asleep, I mostly<\/em> knew it was my husband. Another part of me bypassed that knowledge and went straight to the panicked, there\u2019s a man grabbing me without my permission!<\/em><\/p>\n I went shock-still, wondering what had just happened. Truth: I wasn\u2019t sure if I\u2019d pushed him away, yelling DON\u2019T FUCKING TOUCH ME, or only thought it in my head. Easy enough to figure out within seconds. My husband was still in bed, sleeping peacefully.<\/p>\n In school, we learned about the nervous system, and how there are (at least, I guess, I\u2019m not an expert) two different types of relay systems in the brain. Like if the nerves on your fingertips send a PAIN signal, sometimes that signal goes all the way up your arm, to your spine, up your spine, to your brain, and you decide what to do in response.<\/p>\n But sometimes, there are more immediate types of PAIN signals. In those cases, it\u2019s possible for your fingertip nerves to send the message PAIN up your arm, to your spine. And it\u2019s your spine, not your brain, that makes the decision MOVE THE EFF AWAY. It saves valuable microseconds, and the result is that your brain is not involved in the decision. Which is all just to say something can be reflexive, and beyond your conscious control.<\/p>\n I woke up afraid that my anger is reaching reflexive levels, that maybe my brain won\u2019t be consulted before I react. Also, my stress is so high I no longer feel entirely safe asleep in my own bed.<\/p>\n I could go on at length about all the pieces of this Kavanaugh hearing that are enraging me, and scaring me, and breaking my heart. But in the words of my good friend, who kindly interrupted me last night as I was doing exactly that, \u201cI get it! You don\u2019t need to argue me into taking your side because I\u2019m already right there with you.\u201d<\/p>\n Here\u2019s the thing. I don\u2019t want to let go of my anger. I need it to get through this. But I\u2019m afraid of letting my anger get everything.<\/p>\n Probably like a lot of you, the past few weeks, I\u2019ve been trying to \u2018check out\u2019 as often as possible. I watched Season 3 of OUTLANDER (Omg, Claire, \u201cI\u2019m a surgeon!\u201d<\/strong><\/a> is not an excuse for you to act like a total reckless dipshit, but I gotta love the eye-rolly trouble you get into) the latest Netflix season of THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW (I didn\u2019t think I could love the new cast, but I do). I\u2019m reading THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE by Shirley Jackson and just finished WE HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THE CASTLE. I\u2019m listening to story after story from THE NEW YORKER: fiction podcast<\/strong><\/a> (Recent Faves!<\/a> It\u2019ll be no surprise that I\u2019m only listening to women<\/a>, these<\/a> women<\/a> in particular<\/a>).<\/p>\n Checking out has been great. Necessary. But it is also like taking drugs: when I come out of it, I still have the same problems I did before. At the same level of HIGH ALERT as when I left them. I know I need to do something pro-active to modify my anger, instead of just taking a break from feeling it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Way back when I had my second child and subsequently fell apart, my parents moved to live in my town so they could help me get back together again.<\/p>\n For hours at a time and for days and days, my mother and I would walk the neighborhood pushing strollers, and I would tell her how angry I was. Sometimes, she would see me snap at the kids when I was angry with something or someone else. Back then, it was rare for my mom to give directive advice (her mode was to listen to everything and encourage me to make my own decisions), but once, when I was particularly short with my three year old, she did say to me, \u201cRemember to kick the dog that bit you.\u201d<\/p>\n Which meant to make sure I directed my anger at the things and people who deserved it, not at the people who happened to be close by. It made me cry to be scolded, especially because she was right, and I had acted badly. But good too, because my daughter heard. It’s appropriate to be angry, to retaliate. Just make sure your aim is true.<\/p>\n So here\u2019s the other two things I\u2019d like to do to help me remember to stay angry at people\/things that deserve it, and to remember to be kind to everyone else.<\/p>\n 1) We\u2019re fostering a dog, starting today. She has three legs and a freshly broken\/amputated tail, and needs home care while on medical leave. Since this dog allegedly has no political affiliation, I\u2019m hoping I can unabashedly be kind to her without having to worry that her FB feed will later make me regret knowing her. If the shelter says it\u2019s OK, I\u2019ll post you some pics while we have her.<\/p>\n 2) I\u2019d like to send some of you hand written, silly cards through the mail. This is purely selfish on my part as it will force me to get off the computer and practice kindness towards other human beings. It will give me something to shop for, and keep my mind occupied, a reason to linger in the funny cards section of Target, snickering. A low key happiness hobby.<\/p>\n If it\u2019s OK to send you something, and you trust me with your contact info, please email<\/em> me the address where you can receive such a thing (don\u2019t post your info in comments, please).\u00a0Work address, home, POB, anything is fine by me. I won\u2019t use your address for any other purpose. I\u2019ll delete it off my computer after I send your stuff. I won\u2019t even use google maps to check out your front yard. But I’ll get to think good thoughts for a few minutes, and maybe feel like I am doing something more productive with my life than waiting for the next horrible thing to happen.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Thanks,<\/p>\n A\/N<\/p>\n anne@annenahm.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Two nights ago, in the dark and wee hours of sleep, my husband (who gets extremely uncomfortable when I mention him in any way on the internet. Sorry, hon!) rolled onto his side, threw an arm over me, and pulled me close. Trademark move of the big spoon. In that moment, mostly still asleep, I …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-husband"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7166","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7166"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7176,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7166\/revisions\/7176"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}