My dad\u2019s gotten his Senility Troll down to four panels or less lately.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I\u2019m trapped in the comics section of my local newspaper.\u00a0 Today\u2019s\u00a0 installment:<\/p>\n
DAD:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh! In case I forget \u2013 an early happy birthday to you, Anne. Of course, before I can answer, he smiles and says, \u201cDid you know I helped deliver you?\u201d<\/p>\n As it turns out, I had forgotten (oh irony) that he had.<\/p>\n He crooks his arm like he\u2019s holding a tiny imaginary baby and says, \u201cI helped pull you out, and you were much bigger than expected, and I cleaned you off and checked you, and then I carried you to the nursery.”<\/p>\n The sentimentality is so foreign I\u2019m blinking back tears, thinking how it\u2019d be nice to have a cup of coffee and sit down before I get emotionally pepper sprayed next time.\u00a0 \u201cThanks for the lift,\u201d is all I manage to squeak out.<\/p>\n He snorts.\u00a0 \u201cWell at least I didn\u2019t drop you.\u201d<\/p>\n From the couch, where Middle Sister lies splayed, comes the comment, \u201cYou really have to question why he\u2019s denying it, Anne.\u00a0 Sounds guilty to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Later, of course, he\u2019s grouchy and not following the conversation very well.\u00a0 He mistakes what my mom has said, either due to hearing loss or having lost the thread of the conversation, and the two of them go around in a circle, trying to sort out what\u2019s being said.\u00a0 Both of them get their feathers up and my dad wanders off to his office.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been trying to figure out why I\u2019m so much more OK with him being senile than I am with him being sentimental.\u00a0 If I had my choice, of course, he\u2019d be neither.\u00a0 But of the two changes, it\u2019s the kindness that brings me to squished-faced sobs and the sense that the world is rocking on its axis, not his disorientation or irritability.<\/p>\n Saying it out loud seems so pitiful, but I think I\u2019ve spent my life knowing I was his least favorite child.\u00a0 Who I learned to be was defined in part by his disinterest, and by the standards of his disappointment.\u00a0 These days, I feel like an old-timey sailor, trying to make my way by charting the stars, and in the Constellation of All Things, my father\u2019s star has moved, and my understanding of the world off kilter.<\/p>\n The other part that is hard to admit is he and I are very much alike.<\/p>\n When I was a new parent, and a new wife, I was afraid I\u2019d end up like him, and that I would inflict on my children some shade of the parenting my father gave to me.\u00a0 In fact, prior to marriage, I told my future husband I didn\u2019t know if I could actually live in the same house with him, that I might be the kind of person who simply couldn\u2019t tolerate that much contact.<\/p>\n But because my dad was that kind of person, I\u2019ve been pretty determined to live my life differently.\u00a0 Three kids and a work-from-home husband is a lot of contact to tolerate, and I\u2019m proud to live a life connected to people.<\/p>\n Still.\u00a0\u00a0 Some days, while the other mothers are full of their cooing \u2018oooh, I wish my children would never grow up, I love spending all day doing projects with them!\u2019<\/p>\n I find myself checking my watch and shifting in my chair and thinking that I am frighteningly like Dad, that my love for my own children would make me do anything for them, but I am not like some parents, (my mother, for example) who could play with kids all day and then invite over the neighborhood kids to play, and then bake cookies for everyone and then throw everyone in the car and go to the beach and go to bed laughing from all the joy of togetherness.\u00a0\u00a0 Frankly, even doing one of the things on that list sounds to me like an exhausting pain in the ass.<\/p>\n I know at least one day a week, I am fighting my nature in an effort to be a more involved parent than my dad, and even working as hard as I can, I am easily lapped by lots of moms who do those things because it feels energizing to them.<\/p>\n The point I\u2019ve been trying to get to about my dad\u2019s newfound sentimentality is this:\u00a0 My sailor\u2019s map has a lifetime of using my father as the pinpoint from which I pushed myself away.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When I feel worthless for lack of personal ducats, I have been able to look at the constellation of my life and show myself how I am providing for my own children a parent who is not driven to familial abandonment via ambition.\u00a0\u00a0 That is truly something, yes?\u00a0 It is not motherfucking cookies on the beach glitter explosion, but given what I have to work with, it is worth being proud of.<\/p>\n Now my father is changing, he is no longer a caricature from which I can cleanly move away.\u00a0 I am terrified as I feel increasingly sympathetic towards him.\u00a0 If he becomes a good parent to me, I will have lost my due North.\u00a0 I will see things from his perspective, and finally see that he was something of a good parent considering what a Bad Kid he had to deal with.<\/p>\n I am afraid I will forget what it was like to be a child, and I will start treating my kids the way he treated me.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid it will be easy to do, too, since he and I are so alike in disposition.<\/p>\n And one day, instead of just looking at my watch while the other mothers fawn over motherhood, I will simply get up and walk out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My dad\u2019s gotten his Senility Troll down to four panels or less lately.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I\u2019m trapped in the comics section of my local newspaper.\u00a0 Today\u2019s\u00a0 installment: DAD:\u00a0 Oh! In case I forget \u2013 an early happy birthday to you, Anne. ME (in a tone implying I\u2019m a little incredulous he could miss it):\u00a0 My …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[29,6,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4091","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dad","category-family","category-mission-impostible"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4091","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4091"}],"version-history":[{"count":24,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4091\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4978,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4091\/revisions\/4978"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4091"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4091"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annenahm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4091"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nME (in a tone implying I\u2019m a little incredulous he could miss it):\u00a0<\/strong> My birthday\u2019s tomorrow, Dad.
\nDAD, Looking half-offended, half-joking:\u00a0<\/strong> I know.
\nME:<\/strong> \u2026
\nDAD\u00a0 (Returning to deadpan):<\/strong>\u00a0 So\u2026 How old are you going to be?<\/p>\n