This Isn’t About Me. It’s About You
This Whole Story Is One Big Assed Run-On Sentence. Enjoy!
Here is what will happen to you soon-to-be-parents out there. (And when I say “this *will* happen to you”, what I mean is, “holy crap, this is happening to me, right this very second!”)
(However, it is much easier to say it about “you”, because if I think too much about it happening to me, I might freak the eff out).
So anyway… You (You! You!) will be sitting in the OBGYN’s office, cutely pregnant and reasonably groomed, flipping through an office copy of Neurotic Parent. Towards the back of what you quickly realize is nothing more than a big advertisement for all things Babycrap, you will flip to a page of allegedly real life quotes from ‘real toddlers’ sent in by ‘real mothers’.
You will read little quips about kids who call ugly women “men” really loudly in the grocery store, and kids who pick their mom’s wedgies right out of their buttcracks at dinner parties. And when you read these little anecdotes, you will think to yourself, “that is so dumb and not funny. No one is amused by bratty little toddlers except their parents. Who even reads this crap?”
And then, despite the little box at the bottom of the page declaring that Neurotic Parent will pay $25 if they publish your Toddler Drama, you decide that no one really sends these crappy stories in – they are either recycled ad nauseum by some overworked intern, or made up by a brilliant army of typewriter-bound, chain smoking chimpanzees.**
Flash forward to, say 4 weeks post partum. Key ingredients to this image include:
You having a serious lack of sleep,
wearing clothes that are so badly used they would offend a hobo,
holding a baby who is perfectly quiet so long as her ass is not touching anything other than your lap,
and smelling like a Krispy Kreme doughnut because you cannot stop leaking beastmilk.
Add into that mix a very disgruntled husband and 3 year old who are deeply offended you want to spend your non-baby-holding time doing things like… I dunno, say… putting on deodorant, or laughing hysterically in the shower, or updating the internet with some pointless story… Instead of playing hide and go seek or possibly hide the salami, depending on the family member.
Because right around the time you start looking/smelling/acting like this, your toddler will do something. This is just a hypothetical, of course, but say said toddler *shaves her name into the cat’s ass fur*. Well then, you will suddenly realize your kid is actually funny, and what better way to demonstrate this fact to the world (and collect 25 bucks!) than to write into Neurotic Parent and tell them so. I mean, she’s smart *and* creative! Wheeee! Share in my joy, world!
Hopefully, you or someone you love will prevent you from sending this Toddler Drama anecdote in even if it means using physical force.
And shortly thereafter, you will decide that either BOOZE or PROZAC, but one way or the other, you are going to start living better through chemistry.
And then you will ask your mommy to come visit for a while.
On a totally unrelated note, I found this picture that I like:
Also? My mommy is coming tomorrow, so I might be scarce for the next week and a half or so.
**Yet another Simpson’s ref for ya: “It was the best of times, it was the… blurst of times?” Anybody feel me? Or am I talkin’ to a wall here?