A couple of posts ago, I received a small groundswell of comments urging me to get into therapy. At first I was all, Lulz, what do you think this blog is, if not my hour? But that was only marginally funny at first, and increasingly less so as more comments rolled in. I imagine there were a fair number of you who had similar thoughts and didn’t post.
The commenters sounded sincere, thoughtful and concerned, and in my experience, it takes a certain amount of guts to say something to a person’s face instead of just thinking girl’s a trainwreck and closing the browser. So, thank you. I gave those comments and the reasoning in them careful consideration.
The thing is, my whole life has been dedicated to seeking approval from others. I’m a revelation here at 39, finally understand I’m crippled by the need for it and the need to do it. I’m struggling to let go of those bad patterns and learn how to be assured of my own OKness by nothing and no one other than my own self.
Right or wrong, I’m not going to therapy. It would be recreating a relationship in which an authority figure told me whether or not I’m OK.
Even if the therapist told me everything I did was awesome fantastic, the premise of the relationship would still be trusting his/her approval over my own. Even if the therapist had some really boss skills to pass along to fix my life up nice and tidy. I can’t give that authority away — I’m struggling too hard to hold on to the piece I have. And more importantly, I don’t want to. I want to figure this out myself.
I know one of the hardest things to do is watch someone struggle. Especially if it’s a puzzle where the answer is so obvious from the outside, and the person puzzling can’t see what you see. OH MY GOD, JUST MOVE ASIDE AND LET ME DO IT. I know my blog right now probably pushes those buttons for some of you. I know you are trying to help.
I have to learn this. It’s probably going to be messy, not a straight line to healthier living, and I’ll undoubtedly make cringe-worthy mistakes. If it feels like nails on chalkboard to watch it happen, I am sorry, but I’m doing it anyway. I know sometimes “please get help” is code for “you are making me uncomfortable, so please do this somewhere else so you can be normal when I see you.” I know that feeling, I know that code. But the mission of this blog has always been to tell the things I’d be embarrassed to discuss in real life. No harm, no foul, if this is not for you, let’s hook up at some future date.
PS: Also, super not trying to single out people who left comments — I imagine since this was a running theme that it was on a lot of people’s minds.
PPS: Specifically to the people who commented about therapy — I know we’ve talked off-blog, and I appreciate the care you took to give me risky feedback. You are very much appreciated, even if we don’t see eye-to-eye on this point.
Also, sometimes, its easy to think things are at that point- when all you see from someone are the bad stuff, the stressful stuff. Sometimes those things weigh on a person just enough to be the only thing that person feels the need to share. It doesn’t mean that person is miserable or has nothing happy going on. Just means the happy shiny sruff didnt make the cut when deciding” what really important things should i share with the peeps i trust, in one small easy to read blog-post?”
Example: i had a friend (male) assumed i was miserable in my marriage because i had so much “free time” to take my kids to his softball games, and complained that my hubby was irritating me by not joining. He even went so far as to tell me my hubby treats me like shit. Umm. If you dont spend time with the both of us- how would you know? Turns out the absence of shiny happy stories of my marriage equals my marriage suck and i need a new one. Nope.
I hope you get my point here, because i think my brain exploded trying to say that (and im also feeling a bit stabby from all this thinking about that douche “friend”) Maybe its not that you are SO depressed as to need some therapy- but that people assume so because thats all they’ve seen in your writing of late.
Also again, it seems no matter how i word alk that, it comes out as a jab at your writing- which it totally as not. I only wanted to point out that we dont always get the chabce to see someone’s whole everything. Most especially when that person is sharing stories in such forums.
Okay. Coffee anyone?? I could totally use some now i think. Or whiskey. Lol
I am one of the strangers who posted about therapy. I’m sorry if that was upsetting – it wasn’t intended to be – but for the record, as someone who has been to therapy and also someone who has trained to be a good counsellor … therapy is not about someone telling you anything. It is not about someone telling you that you’re making good choices (or bad choices), or patting you on the head and saying “good job”: it’s someone whose job it is to listen to you, and pick up on what you say and help you make sense of it all. A good listener will help you make links in your story (like a really good blog commenter?) and help you see everything more clearly.
It seems silly, but when one is facing BIG HUGE CHANGES it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who has zero personal stake in the issue and whose job it is to just listen. No suggestions, just questions. Easier to get a big-picture view, and nice to talk things through without someone constantly barging in with Helpful Feedback.
Obviously, you know you better than Random Internet Person. So you keep rockin’ you. But I figured I’d throw out a short explanation for my suggestion. 🙂
:::pouring an Irish coffee for Amanda, above::: I understand exactly what Amanda is saying – sometimes, the slice of one’s life that shows — particularly in the nebulae of the blogosphere — isn’t the full picture of how one is coping and strategizing and making sense of one’s life. Rather, it’s the tricky ugly part, the part that needs to be written out in order to be understood, that appears.
I find reading about the hard parts to be most valuable, though, because it shows me that I’m not alone. We quest and we gain and we fall and we try, and we see people going about their daily routines who have everything together and we can’t understand why we DON’T. Reading an unvarnished portrayal of the messier bits is comforting: we are united with others who struggle, and everything is a teeny bit better somehow when we know that. We may occasionally fall into the Pit, but at least we have good company, and we can cheer each other on as we make our way upwards and forwards.
Looking forward to more eloquent messy bits.
Go you.
Do whatever is right for you. Therapy is a great thing for a lot of people, but it isn’t for everyone. Just don’t lose sight of you.
I missed that post, where I was, I don’t know (but I didn’t quietly close it and think ‘trainwreck’, promise). I’ve read it now, and yeah, blah, blahs, but like everyone here has said, you’re offering up a little morsel, and I (nor the rest of us) don’t *really* know what’s happening.
I tend to bitch at least once a month about my wonderful, hardworking husband, on FB. One of my *friends* (if she was a real one, she’d have messaged me, or text’d, or something other than put it on FB) asking if ‘we’re ok? Cause you do a lot of bitching about him on here.’ I thought WTH do you know? And thanks for asking about a somewhat personal subject via FB post. Tact, no? Had to review my posts to see how much I was (turns out: not much, and I’m not the only one)and learned it was time to keep husband and his sometimes oblivious comments/actions to one’s self, lest my friends start asking hard questions. What I learned was to self-censure a little, but also that when people only see one thing (ala Amanda’s comment) they jump to conclusions that may or may not fit the bill. And, their questioning of my marriage, made me question what I could be doing to make it better and less FB bitchable. So it was sort of an exercise in self-awareness/self improvement. Perhaps, for now, this blog is your self-awarness/self improvement journal. All free-form and messy…..? Not really sure where I was going with that, other than, hey, everyone’s been there (re: what you need? xyz, fix everything!) The choice is yours. Try to do it yourself? Try help? To parrot Jennifer, do what is right for you. Only you know that.
On therapy, never really thought of it as someone saying, mmmhmmm, good girl, but, I have wanted to drag said wonderful hubby to therapy so an independent, outside source could say ‘mmmhmmmm, your wife is right,’ but scared to go because what if the therapist says, ‘you’re f*cking crazy. Husband, run.’ Thank you for helping me to see my own hang up with therapy, right or wrong.
To round out this novella, I don’t think you’re crazy. I don’t think you’re making mistakes. I think you are working at figuring it out, and by posting it, you are allowing people like me, also working to figure shit out, to see other ideas, read other thoughts, things that might click with us and help us along, or understand the struggles we see of someone in our RL.
No judgement here. I try really hard not to, because we all have things in our lives that shape the way we are and condition our responses. Along the lines of Liz’s comment, there is value in your thoughts and perceptions. It helps me to achieve a state of semi-grace in my own dealings by reading (making aware) of other’s struggles and hard shit. I don’t even want to push you aside and FIX IT. I just want to watch how you do it, curiously, with head cocked to the side. Maybe it will give me some ideas I can apply in my life.
Sorry for the overload comment, again.
When I’ve felt really productive in therapy, my life changed for the better. Things went smoother, obstacles got overcome, relationships were less painful because I had another perspective on them. I think of it as a hiring someone to hold up a mirror, and to intuit good questions.
For example, most women could be asked, “when you are people pleasing, what do you gain from it? What does it cost you?” This kind of help – and it is only help, not approval – can shave a few decades off the solutions to lifelong problems.
Best wishes as you listen to the quiet voice of your Muse. Hugs to you.
I just found your blog through another blog … but I wanted to comment on your response. It takes a lot of courage and compassion to take in feedback from anyone and to respond with this kind of respectful disagreement. I am awed and inspired.
I wish you well on your journey to healthier living and the many twists and turns you may encounter.
As always, whatever I say reveals far more about me than the topic I’m talking about. I think it’s safe to assume that all those who advised therapy did so because they personally would find it the best thing to do in that situation (as have I on a number of occasions), and because they want the best for you (terrible phrase, sorry). It says volumes about you that you saw the caring motive behind the advice and were able to refrain from saying ‘fuck off everyone with the therapy already’. I admire that in a woman.
A quote I saw tonight – and it might be good, it might not, but the next thing I did was copy it and come here.
(can’t attribute – sorry)
“Before I am your daughter,
your sister,
your aunt, niece, or cousin,
I am my own person,
and I will not set fire to myself
to keep you warm.”
As a therapist, I can say, my job isn’t to give you advice or approval. That’s a bit of exploitation on my part, that means I’m using you to make myself feel better. Having sat in both chairs, I can say that sometimes therapy has made me face things I didn’t want to say out loud, and actively calls me on my B.S.
Any way you skew it though, therapy won’t work unless you are motivated to do it. So keep plugging along, doing what works for you. It may seem dysfunctional or even crazy, but who doesn’t have their own brand of crazy?