This Week’s Stupid Things I Cried About Countdown
Because that is all that has happened this whole damn week. Pass the Gatorade, because I am seriously dehydrated.
5. (Just now! Thirty seconds prior to the conception of this post!): Pink’s video So What that I’m pretty sure features her ex-husband.* A guy who’ll show up for the video where you’re slamming him? *sobs* See, now that’s true love. Which totally makes me cry, since the song is about getting divorced. (Here it is, embedding disabled, so only link. Sorry).
4. Having to carve a roasted chicken for dinner while talking to children. Both things. At the same time. Multi-task? Are you freaking kidding me? Also: C’mon people. Don’t make me cry while wielding a knife. Or dismembering a carcass.** That’s just not good dinner manners.
3. I took my kids to the store to bribe them with new toys so they would Go. Play. When we got home. Jeez. Let mommy lie down on the couch for five beastly minutes, please. I was expecting an arts and crafts purchase (mommy dreams of thirty whole minutes of couch time) but the oldest child went for the fluffy stuffed animal. Youngest daughter? Chose this.
Which she calls “Diney” and dresses up and leaves around the house in unexpected places.
Like with its snout pressed up against the sliding glass door. Or in a dark closet. Or you know, anywhere it might reasonably scare the living shit out of a person’s mother. God. My bladder is under enough strain as it is. I do not need this kind of pop quiz.
2. We have ants in the house. Ants that bite. All. Over. The ants are all over is what I mean, although I don’t doubt they would bite anywhere they wanted to. And these ants are completely camouflaged on the dark countertop in the kitchen. So by the time you feel that first bite? The elbow you are resting on the counter is swarming with ants. On more than one occasion members of our household have been caught stripping multiple articles of clothing and doing the heebie-jeebie ants-in-the-pants-dance. Not just for Dora the Explorer anymore!
1. My youngest kid came over yesterday while I was crying about number 2 and patted me on the knee. She said, “It’s ok, Mommy. Diney will eat those ants. Rawr. Rawr.”
*More sobs that I cried over a Pink video. I wanna kick myself in the sac it’s so stupid.
**Also when I started crying while wielding a knife, my husband came right up and gave me a hug anyway. And most of me was all: That’s really sweet that he’s totally not scared of me stabbing him or anything. But part of me? A teeny tiny part? Was all: Damn. I need to up my street cred.
43 Responses to “This Week’s Stupid Things I Cried About Countdown”
I think your husband is very brave indeed ;-P
And Diney looks oh so fashionable !
The picture of Diney dressed up nearly made me cry with laughter. Hysterical.
I totally think you need to be crying because you are laughing so hard at that hysterical Dressed Diney. Bwahahahahahahahaha!
That dinosaur would totally freak me out with its nose against a sliding glass door. I’m with you.
Do fashionably dressed dinosaurs eat ants?
diney’s fashion sense totally rocks.
i’m just sayin’
I think diney looks awesome.
I got a nice email at work and burst into tears.
There were ants CRAWLING all over the car (inside) yesterday. Talk about heebie jeebies!
You are so many levels of adorable, sweetheart, sometimes it hurt. And it’s obvious you are rubbing all this sweetness off on your children-types. Thank god the world will have that to spread around in the future. <3
Stop crying, now. -soft hugs- Where’s my smile?
We have upwards of 12 different dineys at this house. I should take a picture for you. Ours like to go swimming as well. It’s like Prehistoric Baywatch around here.
And I thought Pink’s huz was brave. Not as brave as your man.
At least no one was dissing your kid’s teacher. This week.
I once had a colony of ants decide to move onto my bedroom windowsill. They carried in larvae and all. Ewe
Guess how I got rid of them. Splenda. I put it at each end of the window sill. they carried it off and my husband told me I was crazy for a couple of days. Then they started acting drunk. Walking in circles and such. And then they were gone. I didn’t even have ants in the yard for the rest of the summer. Just took a couple of packets.
Oh My! I can’t stop laughing at that picture of Diney. I just hits my funny bone for some reason, and I can’t stop laughing. Diney’s rocking the bracelets.
I know people say this all the time, and it’s meaningless anymore, but I NEED you to believe me when i tell you that tears are STREAMING down my face right now and the Clinique makeup I forced myself to grow up and buy like a good old lady is all smeared because I laughed so hard, for so long, at that 2nd picture that I made my toddler cry with fright.
Can I use it as my avatar? PLEASE? It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on the internet anywhere. I really, honestly had to put my hand over it to scroll down, it made me laugh so hard.
Well the apple does not fall far from the tree. Considering what you have done with carrots and peeps, you are lucky that is all she has done with that dinosaur. If you find it with a strap on ding dong and a whip hiding in the closet, be VERY afraid.
But … but Anne, how can you cry at Diney when Diney’s cock-eyed? Look at him! He really is!
AWESOME Diney. And maybe that Pink video should function as a pregnancy test.
That dinosaur? Is unbelievably hilarious. I must get one of those for my daughter to play dress up with.
I used Borax mixed with white corn syrup to get rid of ants. It takes a few days for them to bring enough down to kill the colony but it’s worth the wait. Cinnamon blocks the scent trail they leave if you can find where they are getting in. Hugs on the crying thing. I hope it gets better!
we have a tree that overhangs our car… if you leave a window rolled down, ants fall from the tree and crawl into my car… along with other not-so-pleasant bugs… there’s nothing like driving along, minding your own business and having bugs crawl up your legs. Bugs are not cool.
Diney, however, is!
Oh man. I remember those pregnancy hormones. At least you’re funny! My family has started a campaign for me to have or adopt another baby. Clearly they’re trying to kill me.
I’m having a bad day, and you perked me up completely. I love the dino in the hat. Perfect.
I hope you’re getting paid for this stuff.
I didn’t like that Pink song when I heard it for the 1st time last night, but now that I’ve seen the vid (damn you!), I like it. So cute! I won’t cry, but that’s only b/c I’m a cold-hearted bitch.
Mr Lady – take Diney if you want him. Here is one with him holding Wiskey (his little paws couldn’t manage the sippy cup)
and here is the address for the macro if you want it:
DineyFolder
Dude, there it is with the laughing. I think I threw out a disc this time.
Maybe you need to dress up Diney like a fire ant and send it to Pink’s ex? Not sure how you’d get the address, but sure sounds like Pink would be willing to cooperate.
I have other thoughts about why Corey Hart would show up in his ex-wife’s video: Dude is a media whore; OR too drug-addled to do make a sane choice; OR too emotionally stunted to deal with what’s happening – which is basically what she’s charging in the lyrics, que no?
Bro looks completely stoned as she’s singing to him in the last frame – and so inappropriately smirky.
Pink, is that you?
What is making me a little uneasy is how much that thing looks like my mother in law.
Just better teeth.
Dude Anne- You still have time to watch videos? And cook entire chickens? Your shit is much more together than you know.
Oh my f’ing god! I was on the floor when I saw the diney dressed up. Then, as I was scrolling though the comments, I was in tears when I say Diney with the Wild Turkey. A Diney after my grandma’s heart! So Funny!
Sorry to hear about the crying. A friends episode made me cry while I was pregnant with #2 but I don’t remember which one. I do know it was not one that was worth crying over. Oh, and a cat litter commercial. Stupid hormones.
Your kid is a chip off of the old funny block, I’d say.
My roommate and I had a little Troll Doll (remember those?) that we used to hide in places, to scare the other person shitless. Picture opening up the freezer to find those little beady eyes looking at you.
I was reading comments at “Looky Daddy” and I saw that you mentioned Flintstones-flavored vicodin. DUDE! Sign me up, because chewing regular vicodin is not nearly tasty enough.
*Guffaw* …OUCH MY INCISION!
I cried this week because I wanted food.
p.s. I heart Diney. But only Transvestite Diney. Or, is Diney a girl? A grandmother? Hmmmm…
Diney? More like Draggy. I’m with Mr. Lady on this, though. DAMN you for ruining my mascara! Again! I am making a mental note not to read you on Sundays, the one day of the week I use mascara. Of course, I’m pregnant, so I’ll forget that mental note in about five minutes. I swear it’s like a rerun of fucking Memento around here these days.
I’ll take Diney if he comes with the whisky.
Diney = AWESOME! I love it!! LMAO!
pregnancy is TOTALLY awesome. heh.
If she were my kid, I’d warn her that dressing up Diney is ok, but if one day he turns purple and starts to sing, he’s going straight in the garbage.
That Diney reminds me of the dead wife in Beetlejuice when they first go to the other world helper people. Wow I need more coffee (articulation: OFF)
I do hope you feel better – can’t watch the video because of freaking dial up but anything about divorce is sad. One of my best friends is going through it right now.
I feel bad for laughing when you’re writing about crying, but the whole Diney thing really spoke to my funny bone. I’m having a hard time right now because I shouldn’t be laughing this hard when I’m supposed to be working, but I just can’t stop.
The dinosaur is wearing bangle bracelets. THE DINOSAUR IS WEARING BANGLE BRACELETS!!! Too funny!
Now you owe me a big bottle of Windex and some paper towels for my monitor screen.
It’s 2:44 a.m. and I’ve been barfed on twice tonight, but that freakin’ dinosaur all dressed up just made me laugh.
Thank you!!!