mission impostible and The Crazy17 Jul 2012 10:47 am

1.  My parents moved away.  I think this is the first time one of us has moved away from the others that I haven’t been filled with gaspy abandonment issues. Since I’m 37 years old, I wanna say YAY ME, but feel it is only appropriate to do so in a very small voice, as most people master this around kindergarten.  yayme!

2.  My Middle  sister is due sometime this month.  My parents now live 7 miles from her, and plan on helping with the new baby.  Middle calls me up and demands to know when I will come and gaze at her offspring.  Then she calls back three days later, tentatively revoking any invitation, based on the fact that my kids may or may not be cootie infected cootie carriers.   About two days after that, she calls and wants to know why I’m avoiding her.  Even though we live 4 hours away.

3.  My dad’s… whatever it is… seems to have leveled out.  Crossing fingers, still watching.  As far as I can pry out of my mom and sister, he hasn’t taken a turn for the worst with the move, which is a good sign.

4.  Hooookay.  So there’s this other thing I haven’t been talking about.  And for those of you who hate vagaries and meta bullshit, grab your parachutes and jump out now.

A few months ago, something super cool happened to me.  Winning the lottery style cool.  The big problem, is that it happened under my other name.

I think I’m pretty OK with all of you knowing this cool thing happened to me, but I’m super-duper-pooper-scooper not cool with people who know me because of The Cool Thing coming over here and reading this blog. I mean, it is a blog pretty much dedicated to me making an ass of myself, complete with personal medical maladies and the occasional nipple pic. In some ways The Cool Thing is like becoming a Disney Kid type protégé, and this blog is my hacked nude pics, my first album where I say ‘damn’ and talk about how I can’t be tamed, and where I wear too much eyeliner and make duckface into the camera.

My first instinct was maybe to flush Anne Nahm completely, but that idea makes me feel choked up (not only in the tearful way, but also in the pillow-over-my-head-smothering type way).  It’s been basically 6 years of therapy, but it saved me from becoming a Stepford Wife.  In fact, if not for this blog, The Cool Thing wouldn’t have happened.

It seems the universe must be trying to teach me something, since I’ve lived my twisted little secretive life until it’s knotted up so badly I can’t talk on an anonymous blog.  Wheeee.  Way to go, Anne.  Anyway, there it is.  It’s the most asshole thing in the blogging world to talk about something you can’t talk about, but since the motto of this blog is embarrassing myself, there’s a strangely appropriate dovetail.  I want to round it all of with a big ole INTERNET WAT DO?, except I kinda know what I’ll do.  I’ll refuse to tell anyone what happened until  I slowly suffocate on the matter.  Oh, the self loathing of admitting that is making me nauseous, so I think I’ve achieved what I wanted here.

28 Responses to “The Most Asshole Thing in the Blogging World To Blog About”

  1. on 17 Jul 2012 at 11:15 am Nicole

    Well, congratulations! You deserve Cool Things! I don’t know what the solution is, but I’m really happy for you! :D

  2. on 17 Jul 2012 at 12:01 pm Jessie

    Congratulations on the cool thing, for sure! I’m, of course, dying to know, but I will be extremely happy for you having achieved this cool thing regardless of if I ever know or not.

  3. on 17 Jul 2012 at 12:15 pm Lala

    why don’t you creat a code. A carefully crafted set of words that will amuse us, and THEN write a blog post about your real life story USING the code. Share the code in one post and the story in another. Dedicated readers will have to have a cheat sheet to understand the post and no one will be able to search and find your story because it will all be IN CODE!

  4. on 17 Jul 2012 at 12:21 pm Amy

    Congrats on the Cool Thing, though I’m itching to know what it is! I’m glad you didn’t flush your blog. :)

  5. on 17 Jul 2012 at 12:21 pm Brenda

    I, too, am all fluster about the Cool Thing and would like to know what it is, but loss of anonymity can ruin a good outlet for blogging freely. And seriously, we have been reading you as Anne and loved what you have to say. I think I can suck it up and not know your Cool Thing, wish you hearty congratulations and still live my life contentedly. If you do reveal the Cool Thing and then can no long provide the interwebs with your wonderfully frank musings AND you go bat-shit crazy in the process…that would definitely suck (for you. For me, too. But mostly for you).

    Congrats on your Cool Thing!!

  6. on 17 Jul 2012 at 1:48 pm Liz

    You’re Savannah Guthrie!!! ;-)

    Happy for you, no matter what the news is.

  7. on 17 Jul 2012 at 2:16 pm Amelia

    Please don’t flush the blog. I promise I will never tell anyone about it.

  8. on 17 Jul 2012 at 2:31 pm Karly

    You’re right. That was super assholery. I must know your Cool Thing! But, even if I don’t, I guess I’ll just be happy for you.

  9. on 17 Jul 2012 at 5:09 pm Susan

    I much prefer knowing your secret self than any Disneyprincessesquefancy self by miles and miles. Don’t take my Anne away!!! Very happy that fortune smiled on you and certain you’ll use it for good and not evil so hey, all’s right with my world :) (ps: good news about your dad, yay for breathing room)

  10. on 17 Jul 2012 at 8:41 pm Sascha

    Simply this ;)

  11. on 18 Jul 2012 at 5:55 am Jennifer

    Congratulations on the cool thing. Good for you. You deserve it.

  12. on 18 Jul 2012 at 10:06 am Liz

    I am happy for you on all accounts: that you survived the moving away thing, that your dad’s issues have leveled out, and that your sister is behaving exactly as an imminently-due pregnant sister should. And most of all, Cool Thing for the win!

    Even if I never know what exactly it is, it will be enough that something super cool happened to someone I admire. And I say that in a most sincere, non-suck-up-ish (cross-my-heart-hope-to-die-stick-a-needle-in-my-eye) sort of way.

    :)

  13. on 18 Jul 2012 at 4:44 pm C

    Ooo! I’m so excited by the cool thing! I’m racing through every brand-newly famous actress, singer and writer going (omg, could that be our Anne!?!). Wish I could know!! Congrats!

    (btw, love Lala’s idea! Not sure if it would work though as someone is bound to put it together…)

  14. on 18 Jul 2012 at 11:22 pm Sam

    Did you get ublishedpay? (That’s correct pig latin, right? I’m too gassy to go look it up.) Also? You’re going to email me and tell this thing. Right now. I’ll wait here.

    (Waiting)

    (Still waiting)

    *tap tap*

    Is this thing even on?

    … sad face

  15. on 19 Jul 2012 at 12:04 am Manda

    Firstly, NO FLUSHING.

    Secondly, this whole thing can be solved by you emailing me your true identity. THEN I will just google the shit rigt out of you. BOOM. Problem solved.

    Thirdly, or you could just email me the special thing!

    Fourthly, AM I NOT HELPFUL?! Glad I can be of service.

    Fifthly, you should know I had a super crappy day and I love good news.

    Sixthly, yes, even I’m annoyed with myself now.

    In no particular order, glad your dad is holding steady. And congrats!! xo smiley face REMEMBER NO FLUSHING! Where would I post annoying comments if you leave me??

  16. on 19 Jul 2012 at 7:58 am Monica

    YAY ANNE!

  17. on 19 Jul 2012 at 8:10 am Gretchen

    Congrats on the Cool Thing!!! I have no solutions for how you deal with the collision of your secret real life (from us) and your this secret life (from everyone else). Other than the obvious of, don’t smother yourself over this. You could always password protect this stuff or archive it so you can get to it and hope for the best.

    And quit with the flush metaphor…. your stuff isn’t shit. Well, if it is, it is good, funny shit. :)

  18. on 19 Jul 2012 at 12:47 pm Jan

    No, don’t tell us. We’re so happy regardless. How about deep sixing this blog and starting a new, anonymous one under a new name? Maybe even email only those of us you trust with the new URL to cut out the trolls. Perhaps you won’t need to let yourself go quite as much now, but it can still be a release. Put yourself in another state (I mean as in Arkansas or Maine) and refer sparingly or not at all to the children and DH. You can transition out of this!

  19. on 21 Jul 2012 at 7:34 am Alchemilla

    Oh thank goodness! I was worried that it might have been a not cool and horrid thing that was happening, so I am utterly delighted that it’s a cool thing (albeit a furtive cool thing).

    Anyway, I bet I *know* what the cool thing is, already. You’re the CEO of the groundbreaking new company http://www.tetheredgoat.com, aren’t you? Damn, I knew I should have kept that one to myself. Tethered goats are comedy GOLD, I tell you. Hands off furtivecoolthing.com, though, that’s mine.

    Seriously, no need for all that self loathing. We’re all old enough and ugly enough to cope.

  20. on 21 Jul 2012 at 8:35 pm L. E. Bruce

    Been reading you for quite a while. Even when you don’t post for a loooong time, I still check, like once a week. Because you write so well, and you’re honest, and I like the person I see. And I have seen you struggle and grow here, and I like that. So, congratulations on the wonderful thing that has happened. It’s o.k. if I don’t know the details. I hope Anne doesn’t go away, but if that is what you need to do, I hope you take care of yourself. Thank you for letting me share your life for a while, even at a distance. This may have been your therapy, but it helped me too.

  21. on 23 Jul 2012 at 7:16 am Sarah

    Congratulations!!! Wonderful “news”. Whatever the cool thing, I am happy for you. Just DO NOT flush the blog.

    Good news on your dad, and soon Middle will be so exhausted that she will forget everything including which boob was used last and have to resort to those lame nursing rings, and she’ll stop pestering you.

  22. on 24 Jul 2012 at 2:10 pm shriek house

    Congratulations on the Super Cool Thing! Very happy for you. And that your dad is doing well. Sorry Middle is so very crazily preggers, though.

    Anyway, I know what you mean about the Great Anonymity Internal Debate, and will miss you if you leave but will totally understand. Well, mostly, anyway. ;-)

  23. on 24 Jul 2012 at 8:51 pm Lynnette

    Man, it must be something really great to be causing you so much angst. Congratulations.

  24. on 25 Jul 2012 at 12:24 pm Melissa

    I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I feel I’ve been lurking long enough to say “Please please don’t flush!!” and also to say congratulations on your Cool Thing.

  25. on 30 Jul 2012 at 9:11 pm Colleen

    Yay for T.C.T.! Good for you!

  26. on 31 Jul 2012 at 3:32 am Icescreammama

    I have a cool thing too. Let’s giggle in the corner,jump up and down, and celebrate with ice cream. we deserve it.

    glad your dad’s leveling out.

  27. on 05 Aug 2012 at 8:16 pm JustLinda

    I wanna know the cool thing. Feel free to drop everything and email me even though it’s been forever since I’ve visited/commented. Still, you owe me that. OK, you don’t but you’re a nice person so maybe you’ll give it to me anyway.

    Secondly, I finally said eff-it with my blog identity crisis. I’m out. Out out out. I just posted the other day full name and everything. Amazingly, the world is still spinning on its axis. ;)

  28. on 14 Aug 2012 at 1:12 pm Widelawns

    Please tell me you got a book deal? Please? And just out with it. It was hard, but I outed myself because I wanted to share my other writing with my readers and no one ended up caring who the hell I really was or writing all over the Internet how ugly I actually am in real life anyway and I decided I WOULD NOT BE CENSORED dangit, not by family or in-laws or jobs or anyone and you know what? It was freeing as hell. Now refer me to your agent. Just kidding. Or not. You know. But please tell me you’re getting a book published because you are funny and talented and amazing and I will buy the hell out of it.