This month’s Martha Stewart Living,
(which I thumb through when I am in the mood for fantasy escapist housekeeping porn of what life would be like if I channeled all my will for living into something like tablescapes and organized pantries instead of things like scratching my butt and reading the internet)
features a dessert called Blackberry Fool, complete with a glossy picture of what the directions indicate is pretty much just blackberry jam swirled with whip cream. ‘The Quickie’ as they say in the food porn business*.
Well, except for the typical anal-retentive Martha stuff like sieving the blackberry jam (not! jelly! the directions indicate in the most stringent font allowable)
(which is the same font everything else is printed in. You should just know by reading it that it is the highest level of OMAGAWD Noez! without the slightest change in font)
first with a tea strainer and then bringing it to a simmer. Then letting it cool. Then applying it in a folding motion, in a clockwise direction, with your whipped cream. Because porn never really obtains the level of ‘great’ until it makes you feel kind of disgusted and ready to go back to the real world, where people scream at their magazines, “It’s cream and jam, you bitch! Just stir it!” And throw them disgustedly down to the floor. Enough with the Fools! you cry out.
And then you go calm yourself down with some yogurt. Blackberry, if you are still feeling a little kinky. Low-fat of course, because this is a household where the housewife doesn’t even own an apron, much less care which the hell way clockwise is. Isn’t it just all a big circle? I She wants to know.
In a strange coincidence, while at the park last weekend, I crossed paths with a father-son duo coming out of the public bathroom. The woman across the park (I can only presume was the mother by her distracted look and similar looking toddler tucked under her arm like a screaming football) called out to the father while eyeballing the son, “was he able to… do it?”
To which the father replied with that forced, eye-twitchy joviality, “oh, he’s a poopin’ fool!”
I have no idea what their little park adventure was all about, but I do know I can only picture Poopin’ Fool as mixed in a clockwise direction with whipped cream. And unfortunately, all my imaginary Blackberry Fool has poop in it.
.
.
* Following with the whole porn theme, I often wonder when watching The Cooking Channel and seeing the hostess try a bite of their own concoction, whether this is called “the money shot”.
I have noticed in some of these close up eating shots, there seems to be this scripted pain scenario where the cook (especially that Paula chick) appears to have taken a bite of something way too hot. There is the close up where I swear she nearly spits it out on reflex, but at the last moment sucks it back down and rolls her eyes and says, “ooohhhhhhh…. Soooooo goood.” Really, Paula? I thought I saw that cheese still bubbling when it went in. And your eyes are all red and watery. Was it good, then? Do you like that, you nasty hot cheese eater?
Just kidding. I like hot cheese too. I just got carried away for a moment.
24 Responses to “Fool Porn”
Trailer park Martha dessert:
1 container lemon yogurt.
About 2X that in cool whip.
Stir. Top with raspberries.
For kicks, you can pull some sugar (melted) to make cool sugary whispy things for on top (that look much like a bunch of blonde hair gracefully fell out of your head and into the cup), but if you haven’t worked in the back of a restaurant for 16 years, I highly recommend using a fork to pull the sugar.
Best part? You can serve them in the clear plastic cups they sell at Safeway. G to the Hetto. But crazy delicious.
Must … make … Trailer Park Dessert.
Mmmmmmmmm … food porn.
Hot cheese. Now I want some Welsh Rarebit. Damn it. LOL
And, by the way, isn’t strained jam jelly anyway? After you strain it, all you’re left with is the ‘jelly’ part of the jam, since the seeds and pulp are what differentiates jam from jelly, isn’t it? Or am I totally off base there?
I’m snorting at the nasty hot Paula bit. I think she IS like that.
Also, of COURSE, Mr. Lady’s “trailer park” dessert involves pulling sugar, which, if you’ve never tried it, is $%#@)#ing tricky and liable to land you in a burn unit with blisters the size of quarters all over your hands. But then, Mr. Lady is so steeped in restaurant kitchens that she has forgotten true trailer park. Which is why we love her, and are totally jealous of her, all in the same breath–especially since only she could describe a pulled sugar concoction in such a humble “waiter, there’s a hair in my dessert” way. (I <3 Mr. Lady!)
MY trailer park “dessert,” on the other hand, involves jello, mini marshmallows, crushed pineapple, and cool whip. Stirred and layered in intricate ways. mmmm… But don’t call it dessert. It’s a jello SALAD, thank you very much. At least according to my jello cookbook.
MY trailer park dessert involves jello (any color) and whipped cream…from a can. Spray whipped cream on jello. Spray whipped cream into your open mouth. DONE!
“It’s cream and jam, you bitch! Just stir it!”
My sentiments exactly.
The salad my aunt brings to gatherings–Snicker Salad. Chopped Snickers, whipped cream, chopped apples. All in a bowl. I never know where to put it. With the relish tray like any other self respecting salad, or with the dessert where whipped cream and chocolate are shielded from all things healthy. I just don’t know!
Snort.
Apparently you would be good as the food porn dominatrix.
I’m so glad I wasn’t sipping anything when I read the nasty hot cheese bitch part.
I was just beginning to make Martha’s “fool” and thought I would search the net for a lower fat version when I came across your post. It brought back memories of other recipes from Martha Stewart Living that didn’t turn out like the photo at all. I decided against making it. Thanks.
O Anne you nasty nasty hot cheese eater. I think you may have just invented a whole new slang for porn. Otherwise known as NHCE on the streets.
After that “poopin’ fool” bit, I will never look at any ________ fool the same way again. All fools will be poopy (and stirred in a clockwise direction, with whipped cream).
Also, will never look at poopy diapers again without imagining Poopy Fool.
Thanks!
Laughing and CRYING as I laugh!
I am a naughty, nasty hot cheese eater too!
OMG I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, and this post was so hilarious I had to comment.
Firstly – fabulous comedic content brilliantly constructed – so much so that I find I must thank you for creating it and adding such hilarity to my day.
Also I have that “oooh oooh me mee” urge to add my own favorite “money shots” – those perpetrated by the flipping QVC hosts peddling food items. I LOVE to watch QVC mindlessly while folding laundry, etc – I rarely ever buy anything from them, but somehow their hosts are riveting. And never more so than when they are hosting food shows. Sometimes one can even catch Paula AND the heavy man host moneyshotting at the same time!
Yeah, but there’s like a mint sprig on that thing. It’s fancy dammit.
Oh, the comments I want to leave. Must stop laughing first. Nasty hot cheese eater… poopin’ fool… where oh where does one begin?
Mmmm hot cheese!
And the tasting is definitely the money. Ellie K does a grimace sometimes too.
Ok, not a dessert, but the phrase “screaming football” cracked me up. I’ve so been there.
Giada CLOSES HER EYES and MOANS at her own creations.
Hmmm.
You lost me at “sieving the blackberry jam” but I tuned back in at “poopin’ fool” and the fact that it was shouted across a park because that? Is so my life.
Something about the combination of blackberry, poop, porn and hot cheese is giving me the willies!
Heeeeee! LMFAO! Anne? Did I ever tell you that I love you? Like, a lot? Because I do.
You know what’s awesome? Sucking smuckers jelly out of the plastic container and then sucking down some go-gurt and then sqwooshing them around in your mouth. All the sugar high. None of the mess.
Ah, food porn…something I dabble in pretty much nightly on YIM with my dear friend Jen. We find recipes and link them, oohing and aahing over the prospect of fancy shit like salmon on a cedar plank (which we are in reality to lazy to make) or the brownies topped with chocolate chip cookies we swooned over (obviously concocted at 3am by a stoner going to pastry school) and then we bemoan the fact that sitting on your butt in front of the computer doesn’t tighten the glutes like Pilates…
Martha’s recipes are not for people on a budget, vegans, and people who want hybrid vehicles.
I had no idea that blackberry yogurt was kinky…I feel so dirty now…