Baby J Walks on Water. Kinda.

baby J walking on water in a nightgown

J: Oooh, is it cold! Ha! Just kidding. I have no idea what temperature that water is. Since I am walking On. Top. Of. It. Boo-ya! Who’s your baby now, huh? If I could only go back to 1985 and get Michael Jackson to teach me that moonwalking thing…

baby J walking across water

J: So what? Walk across? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. And hey? Do ya dig the nightgown, Moi? I am totally digging on the nightgown.

boat trouble for baby J

J: Oh Noes! That boat wake does not look good.

Baby J's jive walkin' gets boned

J: What? I slipped. Hydroplaning sucks ass when the water is choppy.

Jaws meets J

J: Well this looks like it might get worse before it gets better.

Baby J and his shark buddy

J: See the distance between my hands? I once caught a shark this big (*cough* Hippiedork *cough*).
Shark: Lulz. Seriously, though. I once caught a Jesus this big.
J: Lets be best friends forever.
Shark: Word.
J: You know what we should do to celebrate? Baby J photo montage!

Baby J Photo Montage: The One True Cracker

Proof that they were actually crackers. You know, for the so-called purists out there (*cough* babity, Maria *cough*) who don’t believe Ritz is a cracker.

Baby J on a cracker box

This, by the way, is one of the lesser known major theological splinters of Christianity: Whether Ritz is actually devil food. And maybe the purists have a point. I do want to get/am drunk and naked when I eat them.

Unfortunately, we discovered a strange little secret about the purist crackers when we opened the box: They are too small for baby J to rest comfortably on. Oh, why must the one true faith be so uncomfortable? I tried to get baby J to just lie on it and ‘think of England’. But J don’t play that way.

cracker on Christ!
So instead we present, “cracker on Christ!” Try it sometime when you are feeling exasperated. It may help.

Or why get stuck in that ‘who is the one true cracker’ scene?* I say, go for the new wave sayings. May we suggest:

Mmmm.... Fresh baby J

Christ on a cantaloupe!

Baby J and Gus the bear hugging it out

Christ in a bear hug?

Or from Deb the Elf, Baby J Holy Elfling Christ Getting Freaky in Tuscon. That has a nice ring to it.

Still working on the Dancing Christ with Chorus Girls request, but I gotta say that will probably have to wait until next year as our house is sorely lacking Barbie underwear, and the kicky chorus lineup is quite offensive without them.

*Baby J retorts, “I am the one true cracker**. Eat me.”

** But not necessarily ‘cracker’ as suggesting ‘white’. Because you know. History just doesn’t support that idea, no matter how many Anglo pictures portray him with the flowing blond hair

18 Replies to “Baby J Walks on Water. Kinda.”

  1. O man, I think baby J and my furman should get together for a play date. That would really make Christmas fantastic for everyone.

    Sorry baby J…your fun is almost up. Laying in that manger just wont feel the same anymore will it. Not. The. Same.

  2. Surely there is some miracle that Baby J could preform on the diaper Jeanie? Ha! Ha! (Laughing to myself now…)

  3. Dear Anne,
    Christ on a Clementine, you are a funny woman! I have enjoyed reading you so very much.

    Baby J will definitely his rest in the creche after all these adventures.


  4. Did you make Jello just for Baby Jesus? And a dress? You have got to be shitting me. At Christmas? With children? Where the fricative do you get the time? I want time. More time. Or just a new body. Please.

    PS Laughing. Really, laughing at the Baby Jesus because it’s funny.

  5. Christ on a Cantelope!
    I have seen it all now! Is Baby J still doing requests? Did I miss the Baby J on a oiece of toast?

    Thanks for the water visual. I can sleep tonight.


  6. (sticking my tongue out at Christian Lady) … she seems a bit judgmental, yes? Oh , how ironic.

    I love, love, LOVE the nightgown. You, my friend, are genius of the highest order. One might say, a genius of biblical proportions, yes?

    Love it. I hope Baby J has a good time in his new home. I am looking forward to next year’s adventures. Why not bring him out again at Easter?

  7. (Also want to stick tongue out at Christian Lady …. but will resist as she is one of many sad sad victims infected with the awful plague of morbid sanctimonious humouriscia brokenus.)

    Thank you thank you thank you! I just discovered your site this month. Your hilarious Baby Jayjay adventures have had me laughing so hard that I actually shot eggnog through my nose. Thankfully, nose shot missed my brand new keyboard.

    I may miss Baby J, but I am looking forward to reading about your other adventures – your wit is a delight!

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