Facing Paradoxes in My Underwear* (like some sort of superhero! Only neurotic instead of heroic)
A couple of days ago, I got rid of 75% of the clothes in my closet.
I realized that every day I opened that door and decided what to put on, I was faced with a paradox. In my underwear, no less.*
On one hand, I saw all those old clothes, and I felt connected to my past skinny-working-dry-clean-only life. That felt good. It didn’t feel so scary to be who I am now, because those clothes were on the timeline of my closet life: I have not always been 32 and been rushing out the door to Mommy & Me.
Not that ’32 with a side order of toddler’ is bad. Old clothes just helped me keep in mind that this is a season in my life that will fade away and I’ll be on to soccer mommying or return-to-the-workforcing. This time in my life will eventually be as distant a memory as those Laura Ashley prints over there in the back. And so the reverse must also be true: The girl who wears size four silk dresses still exists here. I mean, if she didn’t, then why does she keep leaving her clothes here?
The other side of the paradox being that the silk dress girl doesn’t live here anymore. I will never open the closet door to find that it is 1997 and I need an Alley McBeal Miniskirt Suit in charcoal grey so I can ace the interview. So why are there clothes here for someone who does not exist?
Every time I got dressed, I felt like I was culling the clothes of my current life from the end of the timeline. And everyone knows what is at the ends of the timelines: God and Dinosaurs. Or you know, if you are looking at the other end – Death.
So I threw it all out. Fat clothes, skinny clothes, Calvin Klein jeans and skorts. Now, my only options are what I am doing right now, in the size I am right now. Is scary as shit. Right now I peep in and see just the big assed ‘End’ to my Death Timeline. Which strangely enough, looks a lot like the fashion choices for God and Dinosaurs.
Because I am very shallow is why. I don’t know who I am if I am not wearing some sort of self-styled uniform. So. You know. Panic!
Every morning since I cleaned, that priest from Titanic pops into my head and tearfully says, “there is no past and the future falls away!” (also people wailing in the background) as I look at my options. This is also not a sensation that goes well with early morning standing in your underwear. But maybe is not as dire a message as it seems. Perhaps it is some kind of Buddhist transcendentalist message that I am forced through the magic of Salvation Army donation to only see myself as I am now without reference to the past or the future.
Or you know – Maybe he is just letting me know it is time for a shopping spree.
*Jeez – the paradox was not in my underwear.
11 Responses to “Facing Paradoxes in My Underwear* (like some sort of superhero! Only neurotic instead of heroic)”
You are singing my life with your words.
On the one hand, I am ECSTATIC that I have exercised and lost weight down to my old pre-pregnancy size. All the clothes that I *meant* to clear out a year ago are instead now back in the “I can wear them!” category. I’m a lot less frustrated when I have activities outside of my mom uniform routine.
But…now they are sort of old (to me), and I don’t like them a much. I want newer, things that work better for me now. My style now.
Isn’t that funny: I desperately desired those clothes when they wouldn’t fit me and now that they do? Most of them annoy me, and I don’t want them.
So I guess I’ll proceed with the cleaning out plan anyway.
(I was really happy yesterday though to put on a pair of pants pre-pre-pregnancy (before even the first one) and have them be just a teensy bit too tight, but I could fasten them!)
Julie
Using My Words
I did the exact same thing a few years ago. When I got married, we bought a house that basically had no closet so in some ways, we were forced to edit. But I kind of took editing to the extreme because, well, we are talking about babybound here. Good for you!! I think you ARE in need of some shopping…with a fine rememberance of the timeline. That’s how I’d do it.
I really need to do this to my closet. I hate holding onto things that make me feel bad. Ugh. *chant to self* Do Not Do Anything Rash During Finals! Maybe next week.
Damn it, Anne!
Stay out of my drafts box!
And stop making your version better than mine!
can you please explain why you still had SKORTS in your closet??
V. inspiring, but I still can’t give them up. You know, I might need to dash out the door to meet with a literary agent, or give a reading or something (ha!) And I’ll need nice clothes for that.
Precisely why I’m a walking ad for Target right now. Standard Mommy Issue: ProSpirit track pants in black, Mossimo t-shirt in any of several blahish colors, Champion ankle socks in white, and topped off with the go-to hairstyle of choice — the timeless ponytail with the prerequisite strands of hair sticking out at odd angles. I’m thinking my timeline must be stuck on “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee and don’t expect a coherent, complete to anything you ask before 7:30 pm when the boy may or may not be in bed for the night.” Oh, wait, that’s “32 with a side order of toddler”, isn’t it. Wheeee!
Good for you! I need to do this in a bad way. But I think once I got rid of everything that doesn’t fit, fits badly, or I hate, I’d be naked. But then, like you, I could go on a shopping spree!
Whee shopping! You are going to photograph your new clothes for us, right? Please!
Inspiring as always. The florals, the mini’s, the scarf I though I’d one day wear. It’s NOT retro! It’s fug! Clearing out, very feng shui, makes room for what we deserve. Which I suppose is a closet full of new Old Navy clothes….
Ohmygosh, Anne. What an inspiring post…I really need to stop clinging to she who is no longer me. Why in the hell do we do that? Hang on to the past for dear life, when what’s now *is* dear life? I have lugged she who is not me across continents. More than once. I hope I can find the strength to purge her *and* her clothes once and for all.