Emo Anne is Yesterday’s Hottest Fashion Accessory
Lately, my primordial brain has been attempting a hibernation coup over sensible summertime Anne. All my clothes feel like snuggly blankets and every channel on TV somehow becomes the cooking channel, tempting me with hot cocoa and roasting chicken and sugar cookies.
Meanwhile, my head is completely full of heavy nothingness. The kind of nothing where you have to kind of wake up from the nothing. It feels like tiny men moving huge boxes of subconscious issues around in the basement of my brain. When the boxes shift, some weird memory comes screaming out like a banshee. Like my head is that haunted house from the opening credits of Scooby Doo, Where are You! That bat that flies out of the attic window? That’s a subconscious thought fleeing my brain. FYI: My thoughts also make sonar sounding screeches and have a theme song.
This un-awake feeling is shot through with sudden bouts of anxiety. The alarm never went off, I overslept, the test is today, it is the final and I missed all the classes, it is too late to withdraw without affecting my permanent record, and also? I am in my underwear and have no number 2 pencil.
The problem with life, my husband said to me last night, what I’m starting to understand more and more completely, is that for everything you chose to do, there are things that you cannot do. You start out with many options, but with every choice you make, your path gets more and more narrow until you have done one thing and as a result, you will never do something else that you wanted to do.
We had been looking at old photo albums with my oldest daughter earlier in the day. I was hit by this epiphany: As time goes on, my hair styles and clothing choices of days past seem even more stupid and embarrassing instead of mellowing with time. It is baffling – I remember thinking the moment the camera flashed how cool I was with my bedazzled jean jacket. I remember spending many minutes getting my bangs to stand in a perfectly cresting wave four inches above my fivehead. I did that stuff on purpose. And now it is all so much photo-documentation to demonstrate how judgment can be severely impaired by inhalation of Aqua-Net fumes.
And there is no ‘do over’. That is just going to be the way I always looked in junior high. And, OK, seriously? I look like a tool in all of those pictures from the very first day I was allowed to dress myself until right about…. Now. No, wait, let me change. I can take a decent picture. Honest. It just hasn’t happened yet.
So I was kind of horrified when the men downstairs moved a box and this realization came shrieking up to my conscious brain: This blog is probably the exact same thing as a bad ’80′s fashion choice, only potentially more dangerous. The posts I think are so witty or silly or *eye roll* ‘emotionally accurate’ today become horrifically embarrassing, humorless and pretentious in time.
When I first heard about Dooce, it was in reference to her losing her job as a result of the blog she kept. I was still in my summertime brain, and all I thought was, “I bet that kind of controversy helped make her famous.”
Yeah, I know. Summertime Anne brims over with emotional empathy. It was not until last night that I considered how terrifying it would be to lose a job because of something I wrote. How shaming that must have felt, being rejected from a pillar on which she presumably spent lots of time and education. A place filled, if not with friends, then at least social interactions and potential references, all ruined. What would it feel like to be banished from the field of your profession because of a thought you wrote down? Would it be worth it?
I feel strung up on barbed wire; I don’t want to go back to who I was before Anne. But if I stay here and keep doing this, I could lose lots of things. And it might not end on a happy, self-fulfilling, rolling around in gobs of money out in Utah note.
It might end up with a Person of Authority looking across a desk at me and telling me I was foolish and so it will cost me: Vaginal goatses are not so funny after all, are they madam? And certainly not the kind of thing we want associated with our company image. It might end with me not being able to join an organization like a church or a social club. Even if I stop now. This blog has become what someone will one day likely say to my face is ‘a very poor judgment call’ on my part. How could I be so stupid not to think that through?
On a good day, I am letting go of all the things I am afraid of, and that is reason enough to do it. Each day I do it right, it feels better and I feel more like the person I am supposed to be.
On a bad day, I wonder if I am self-destructing, sabotaging myself, making sure everyone eventually knows I am Bad! Kid! and doing it so flagrantly that I will never be able to take it back or make it unsaid. Because even now I am cringing, but I am hitting publish anyway and I’m not thinking about this anymore.
But I may go poop myself. Emotionally speaking of course. Future potential employers note: I am actually fully continent under stress.
19 Responses to “Emo Anne is Yesterday’s Hottest Fashion Accessory”
Breathe. Pause. Breathe. Keep blogging. It is good for you. I promise. Also, you’re not exactly posting your face/name/address/phone number on your blog. I would not worry quite so much about it. You’re in a funk. Say to yourself “this too will pass” and have a stiff drink.
Noooooo! You can’t think like that. You write a lovely blog and I’m sure it does wonders for your brain. Its your blog that functions as the butler in that spooky house. Mr. Blog makes sure that all of the right thoughts are in order and retire to the correct positions in the house.
I know that people do find themselves addicted to their blogs and it can get you in to trouble, but not if you are careful and remember the reason you started it in the first place. Use Mr. Butler to keep you on track!!!
Don’t stop blogging or I’ll be sad!!! And you KNOW this is always….and forever will be….about me.
It sucks, doesn’t it? My blog is in no way linked back to me. My kids name have never been mentioned, everything is written under a pseudnym, my logins to every single thing are under a made up name, even my email doesn’t have my last name included in it, not even in the personal acct info. There is no way you could trace me back to my blog, even if you tried.
This was done TOTALLY on purpose.
Poop yourself if you need but don’t stop writing. It is good for you. Your ability impresses me every time you post. How could that ever be a bad thing? Plus, working for the man is highly over-rated.
If someday, someone does find out from this blog that you are Bad!Kid! maybe they will be able to convince you that it isn’t such a bad thing. You’re more like Rebel!Anne! Keep with it.
This is a fantastic post. I have nothing witty to insightful to say or anything interesting to add to the discussion, just that.
I guess it depends on what kind of job you might get someday…and how hard you expect people will look. Or is “employment” metaphorical?
I always worry about embarrassing my kids (someday, when they learn how to read and Google), but my need to vent and connect with others who share similar struggles wins out.
I love your blog and I think you’re a really good writer. If it’s writing you want to do, then this blog shouldn’t hurt you in the least.
Oh. Wow.
This is a real “rock your world” post.
I think…I think you have to look at things in context of the then, not the now. Forgive. Cut slack.
I used to berate myself over how I treated this e-boyfriend. What a bitch! How could you act that way! Heartless!
But I was young, stupid and I grew and learned from it.
Your blog is relevant now, and will be an insight into you now. That will be great, someday. I love reading my old journals. It’s amusing, silly, and also…a little heartwarming.
I think you just had a navel-gazing overload moment. I get those too.
You write well and intriguingly. Why else would I favorite you?
Julie
Using My Words
Yes, but why would you want to work for a company that made judgements like those in the first place? Sounds very hoity toity to me…
OMG, your comment about “this will go on my permanent record” reminded me of the nightmares I used to wake up from. That and the alarm clock that kept going off and then me waking up and not being sure that I was awake. Those were the absolute worst. I hope you quit torturing yourself like this soon, because nobody deserves that. Yes, even you– you bad girl!!!
I dunno… what kind of job would you be trying to nail down? I mean, the NSA? Elected official?
Because umm… the goatse post was pure hee-hawing satire and hilarity. These kinds of writing skills really ought to HELP you nail down a job. unless we are talking about a job where a sense of fun is discouraged.
Oh knock it the hell off woman. You know this site is good for you.
What an excellent post today Anne. So, see… this is why people come to read them… you’re the bomb. And you’ll be doing us and problaby yourself an injustice if you give it up. WE would miss you to pieces. And you would probably miss doing this…and be resentful because of that.
Oh, Anne, I think we all have that fear in the backs of our minds – we want so much to be honest, but we also want so much to remain employed, to not be judged and found lacking because we are sharing ourselves. I’ve tried to be anonymous on my blog, but I know 100% that I am really freaking traceable if you are bothered. I know my mom could easily find my blog, or my sister, or my boss. I’m sure of it. It scares the crap out of me, but at the same time I feel resigned to it – I feel like it’s too late to bother covering my tracks, too late to start over and use a different name and hide all my details.
And, yeah, honestly? My response to Dooce was the same as yours – lucky girl with the fame and all! But I came to her much later, just a year or two ago, once she was doing really well off of the whole thing, so I’ll use that as my excuse for callousness. Though, actually, I’ve never even stepped back to consider how awful that must have been for her until you wrote this post. And I feel sort of ashmaed of myself now.
I definitely relate to this fear of the choices we make closing off other options. The problem is, *not* making choices closes off options, too.
If you’re in a metaphysical hallway, afraid of going through any door because that would close off other doors, then you’ve chosen to stay stuck in the limbo hallway.
On my decisive days, I think the best we can do is make choices today that are most authentically correct for us at the time & then trust the FutureUs won’t be so very very different from who we are today.
So, I think it’s important for you to give FutureAnne credit for being able to deal with any fall-out that might come from the blog and not be too hard on PastAnne for doing the best she could (check out other people’s junior high pictures — it’ll help
De-lurking to give a bit of encouragement. Since your blog is mostly anonymous you are protected by the cloak of plausible deniability. ME? You Must be kidding !!? And of course you could always go re-arrange sacred stones to clear your mind. Keep it up ! We look forward to the randomness and humor.
Anne, like the other poster said, it’s time for a stiff drink.
I love this place. I really do. You make me laugh harder than Dooce (sorry Heather!) ever will. You are witty, funny, and REAL. REAL. Repeat, REAL! (imagine me doing my best high school cheer routine). You are Anne Nahm. Anony…mous.
Don’t freak. We love what you do here, do not think about the consequences of your wordly actions. Because if you thought about it all, we would never see the humor in it all.
Cheer up…
Em
any piece of craft, expression, creativity if worth it’s salt leaves us feeling raw and naked. We need someone to come and immediately throw a blanket around us after we hit PUBLISH POST!
But would you want it any other way? After reading that incredibly well written and funny and honest post, I’m going to guess…no?
no, no, no. Don’t be silly. Bangs and blogs are two different animals. Everyone knows you had bad bangs, only some people will know you were Bad!Kid!
Great post!!!! So many of us don’t even think about the ramifications of many things we do. I also started reading Dooce right after the fiasco at work. I have also read about couples who have found it hard to adopt because of legal problems when they were teenagers. Our actions have consequences, not all of them intended nor anticipated. A friend told me that anything you write on the ‘net’ should be things you are willing to have in the NYT’s because once it is out there it is there forever and can be found. However I also believe that most people are generous and understanding and luckily we rarely get what we deserve. I really enjoyed this post, the first I have read on your blog. I will be back as you made me think.
I know what you mean about the backwards glance. Don’t put your past choices under too strong a microscope (especially any that involved Aqua Net!) Your Anne-Nahm-nimity is pretty well complete to us internet-ers. Go for the military’s stance: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Your blog is good for you and good for us too! Please don’t stop (I’m still laughing about God inventing diets to torture you!)