I was picking up my daughter from school yesterday afternoon, minding my own business, and thinking only thoughts of getting the car filled with gas. As I was doing these things, it came to my attention that I was inadvertently following some kid’s (presumable) father, also exiting school grounds.
In almost every respect, this dad was perfectly, ordinarily, dadish: Tallish, with a button down shirt, jeans, squared shoulders, no nonsense haircut, and generally manly looking. And also, a huge, perfectly round and bubbleicious, kardashianesque JennyFromTheBlock woman-ass tacked onto the rest of his Hank Hill figure. Which, especially since he was a tall fellow, was almost exactly at eye level for me.
It was so completely bizarre as to make him look like some mythical creature. He appeared all man from the navel up, and then, WHAM! Ass like a centaur or something. He even had a tightly cinched belt to show off the area in which he made the transition from manly waist to curvature. I kept thinking to myself, ‘why is he wearing such tight jeans? Is he trying to emphasize his ass? Because he doesn’t particularly look like the kind of guy who would do that’. And this lead my mind down a rather kinky path, because if some guy with obvious dork leanings is going to go bravely out into the world wearing buttock-emphasising jeans, what’s next? Will this one guy with his freak flag at half mast encourage others to venture out as well? Will sexypants take over? Should I buy stock in Nair and short shorts? Will I go to Music in the Park this summer and find all the button-down nerd parents frolicking around in shiny moon pants with ass cheeks hanging out?! Will I be one of those parents? Because I think I am getting inspired, just standing behind you, sir!
Eventually I reasoned that the jeans were probably the just regular jeans, and it was the actual size of his ass causing it to look like he was wearing hot pants.
As I passed by the guy, he seemed like one of those old fashioned holograms, where one moment he was Big Assed Al, and then, as I got around to his front, the illusion of womanly curves disappeared, and he looked like any other dad again.
I wanted to walk around him a couple of times, but decorum decreed* I not. For a fleeting moment, I understood those guys who see a woman with huge boobs and can do nothing but stare and babble ‘mama’ and stretch out their hands in supplication: It is not a sexual thing, it is only that words fail. Anyway, I managed not to do any of those things. At least not while he was watching.
However, I did spend the rest of the day feeling like I had seen a unicorn or something.
* Ha, can you tell I’ve been reading Pride & Prejudice? I have! I just finished that wordy bastard. Thank God for movies is all I have to say. Although, on reading the end-book critiques, I got this weird feeling in my stomach, because a lot of the negative reviews sounded a hell of a lot like what people say these days about Twilight. And I just don’t know what I’ll do if my grandkids have to read Stephenie Meyer for a class because it becomes some kind of classic, and my grandkids’ will be bitching about how the book is so big and boring and they don’t get it. And! I’ll get to say, ‘back in mah day, that book was pure trash,” and my grandkids will just look at me, and I’ll be forced to realize I am a 90-year-old square. Damnit.
17 Responses to “Big Butt Guy”
You read Pride & Prejudice? You’re my hero. I had to do the audio book just to get through it, and I wanted to punch all the characters by the end. Also, now I’m terrified that my grandkids will have to read Twilight in school. I’ll be having nightmares about that.
And this is precisely why I religiously read your words. This is without a doubt the best blog post I have read about a stranger’s ass. Ever.
Yes, man bubble butt is a weird oddity only seen in certain aspects of the wild.
I also have to say that the Quirk Classics versions of Jane Austen are awesome and would be up your alley. Things like “pride and predjudice and zombies”, “Dawn of the Dreadfuls” (prequel to pride) and “sense and sensibility and sea monsters.” All hilarious. I’ve been gorging on them for weeks now.
Wendy
I’m so glad you’ve chosen to write about this topic. My girlfriend was casually dating a bubble-butted younger man for a couple of months and I was obsessed with that badonkadonk. I mean there was no good reason for it, and there it was – in your face all the time. The only plausible explanation I could hypothesize was that he had gained a bit of weight and his jeans had gotten a bit tight, so maybe his arse wasn’t quite as large as it appeared. The only insider info I got from my friend was, “He has a sexy body.” Not so sure I like a baby with an abundance of back.
LOL. I can’t stand a guy with a nicer ass than mine. It just pisses me off because you know he just threw those jeans on without thinking about it while I searched countless stores to find the one pair of jeans that don’t make my ass look flat, saggy, square, too low, too high, or leave it hanging in the breeze.
Damn bubble-butted men. Now I’m going to have to go do squats just to make my ass feel better about itself.
Hahahaha… I love the idea that we’ll someday be talking about how ‘classic literature’ was considered truly trashy in our day
I don’t think Meyer will ever get there, though. I hope not. You and me, we can shake our canes at the English teachers or something 
My husband is a tall man with broad shoulders, a slim waist, and a perfectly round, juicy ass.
In what became a Moment of our relationship, i said to him, “Has anyone ever told you you have a really round ass?”
He said, and I swear this is true, it has become indelibly etched in my brain for all eternity, he said, “Yeah, this chick said once that I had a puffy ass. I think she meant ‘puffy’… as in beautiful.”
Puffy… as in beautiful.
Amen to the Twilight thing! AMEN!
Also I’ve recently learned that men of a certain 35-and-up group sometimes struggle with needing to go UP a size in pants. Ahem. I might have personal experience with this issue as I live with someone of that age group. Only his problem? is on the opposite side. I have had to tell him to UNTUCK HIS SHIRT. AT CHURCH. TO COVER HIS BULGE.
The end.
Stone Fox:
I bet it is beautiful! In fact, just reading about it, I have Cream’s “Sunshine of your Love” running through my head, but the lyrics are all about the Puffiness of his buuu-uuu-uu–uuuuut.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMIUt42OCbc
(I’ve been waiting so long, to be going where I’m going, in the shad–dow of your butttttt) *air guitars heavy riffs of awesomeness*
Manda,
For the love of all that is holy, you had better be talking about belly.
Anne
MWAHAHAhahahahaaahahaaaaa! Unicorn! HAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaa! Maybe the guy is a figure skater? I have noticed that most serious ice skaters are just CRAZY in the a@@ department.
Ahhhh! Personally I love me some P & P. I have read that thing probly twelve times over the years. Every time I read Austen (have about four main faves) I end up talking and writing funny for weeks after.
I want to see a unicorn, and pet it…and maybe smell it a little.
Oh see this is why I love your blog, this is the kind of thing that I notice and think and forget to ever write about! I love that you describe it all so beautifully. You make me laugh, which really is an achievement these days! Thankyou.
elephantiasis.
He spent too much time in the tropics.
Anne, I don’t know you. But I do know that without your posts my life would be a little the poorer. This last post …. you are a GODDESS, woman!
Oh, how I hated P&P! I, too, wanted to headbutt Elizabeth Bennett for being such an annoying cow (and many of the other characters too, for that matter). And I much preferred Wuthering Heights (also: if you want to spend time after reading a classic talking and writing strangely, there’s nothing like a dose of Yorkshire dialect à la Joseph in WH… He’s deliciously incomprehensible!)…
My kids tell me all the time that I talk weird. It’s from a youthful diet of gorging on the classics. Those words get stuck in your head and suddenly it’s whilst and wherefore’s all the time. My friends were reading V.C. Andrews and I was reading Austin and Bronte. It lead to some strange conversations.
And… I don’t think you have to worry about Twilight becoming a classic. EVER.
I worked with a guy we used to call “pelvis” behind his back. He had child-bearing hips.