Hi! Here’s what I’ve been doing since I saw you last:
1. Wishing I had not divulged pregnancy nervousness, so I could just lie to you and say, “holy crap, was I ever drunk when I made that last post! How embarrassing.”
And you could say, “oh Anne, you crazy drunken monkey! You sure do say some wacked out things when you are on the sauce.”
Or better yet? Wishing I could just suck that whole post back into my brain. Thanks for being nice to me when I act like an ass. Also? Thinking about all the nice things you said and wondering if I can pay you back in kisses. Is that wrong?
2. Visiting this web site. And before you click there? Kiss your family and loved ones, as they will likely miss you. Also, prepare to grow moss under your ass whilst shaking your fist at the screen and cursing. I am on level 18. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
3. Running until I have completely crippled myself. The running? It has never worked for me in the past. But then Julie suggested it. And as I am easily suggestible, I read through her links and found myself thinking really dumb-ass stuff like, “Ok, yeah, wow… Run slower? That’s a really good idea! And you say, keep running as slow as you can? Effing brilliant my friend!”
Until the next morning, (and to be quite frank, like 4 mornings after that), when I woke up needing assistance to get myself out of bed. Uh, sore much Anne? Then I was not thinking it was such a brilliant effing idea.
But on the fifth day? When I could sit without squealing like a pig? You bet your sweet ass I started running again. So, just in case you are wondering, running is evidently not related to even marginal intelligence or anything.
And To Round Things Off With An Embarrassing Confession:
Before children? I had flat nipples. Playboy centerfold nipples, if you will. After the first baby? They became Farrah Fawcett nipples. Not like tiny bananas on the end of my boobs or anything, but definitely different than before. Especially if you exchange the word ‘different’ for ‘tiny bananas’.
After the second baby? Well let us just say that on more than one occasion, someone has walked in front of me while I lay on my side and the only body part that has been stepped on? Nipple. That’s how far they stick out, people. Can you imagine me on a cold day? I could poke your eye out.
The downside of this(if you consider the first an upside at all, which is totally debatable)? I have to make sure both the ‘headlights’ are going in the same direction before I go out. Otherwise, it’s like a lazy eye or something – the guys never know which one to look at when they talk.
19 Responses to “Embarrassment & Lazy Nipples”
“Otherwise, it’s like a lazy eye or something – the guys never know which one to look at when they talk.”
LMAO!!!!!
LMFAO! I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard! (with you, Anne…not at you)
I’m sure I have you beat in that nipple dept. I mean it’s like a grape sitting on a dried up prune. Nice image huh?! The hubbie said he can make so much money just by posting it on the net, yeah he’s a capitalist pig like that.
I apologize, but I’m laughing about hour nipples. Also recoiling in pain thinking about how much it would hurt to have someone step on my nipple. Eek!
I read the running thing on Julie’s site too, but have not attempted it yet. Instead I’ve been doing high impact aerobics classes, and last week could not move from Thursday through Saturday. I did a similar class last night and am hoping it’s not Sunday before I can move again. It’s not looking good, though.
Oh. My. Got.
I cannot stop laughing!
Heh. Nipples. Matthew has started chewing. I don’t see much future in this. It hurts. I also have a professor–unfortunately we have shared interests beyond my boobs–who has a lot of trouble looking me in the eye when I talk to him in person. It’s unnerving.
i suffer from this…i can it the rachel syndrome (ever watched friends??? holy nipples!)
i wear bras that have a little padding in them (also because i have NO boobs) and it seems to do the trick! i got really nice ones at VS.
that would be call…not can (freudian slip there…)
I call that having Columbo Tits and I have to make sure mine are pointing in the right direction too and I haven’t had kids.
Also, padding helps but make sure there is enough padding. I tried the new Victoria Secrects bra (IPex?)that was made for that and there isn’t enough padding.
Oh, my, I know your pain in the nipple department. I have given birth to five children, and breast fed four of them (would have been all five had my first survived), and yeah, talk about supersensitive nipples! Anything at all, the slightest breeze pops my headlights on quicker than a wink! I won’t wear anything other than a padded bra, even though, at my size (36DDD), it really doesn’t help keep the guys eyes off my boobies, but it does keep the brights dimmed on my headlights.
“bananas on the end of my boobs” LMAO
You have such a way with words, Anne.
How can I go running now, however slowly, after visiting weffriddles.com? I have not left my chair in the last 3 hours!!
p.s. I made it to 28!!!!
Ummmm….. I think I’m too dumb for the game. But my nipples are the same way, and I’ve only the one child. I guess that’s a good reason to stick with just one, because I wouldn’t want the nips to become dangerous-er than they already are.
I have unphotogenic nipples, too! There goes my career in porn.
And you are officially the devil for pointing me to that game! THE DEVIL.
not gonna hit the game… won’t even check. The kids and season three of “24″ is sucking down more life than I have.
“the guys never know which one to look at when they talk.”
Weeping with laughter!
[...] Epidemic of Wet Pants Sweeps Blogging World! Prepare to giggle, chuckle, chortle, snort beverages out your nose and possibly wet your pants but PLEASE REMEMBER…we cannot be responsible for damaged keyboards or ruined clothing. You are strongly advised you put your protective gear on before you start reading! Cristina and I give you the winners of the October ROFL Awards! Mommy off the Record awards Kevin Charnas Soul Gardening awarded Mama Tulip* Crankmama awarded Moobs Between Diapers and Dishes awarded Mexico Movies Ravin’ Picture Maven and Life, the Universe and Everything awarded Hulushki Scribbit awarded Dandelion Mama Hello Insomnia awarded Anne Nahm A Beautiful Mess awarded Victorian Rhapsody And Dirty Dishes Radioactive Girl awarded Chicky Chicky Baby InsParenting awarded Mommy off the Record Hell Broke Loose Today awarded Zube Girl Bub and Pie awarded Momish Stolen Moments awarded Sweatpantsmom The Pink Diary awarded Memoirs of a Feline Empress in Exile Slackermommy awarded Momish Maniacal Days awarded Kevin Charnas Momish awarded 8 Centimeters Deluded Oh the Joys awarded Kevin Charnas Bread Crumbs in the Butter awarded a peek inside the fishbowl Sarah and the Goon Squad awarded I’m Doing the Best I Can MOMBAT awarded Crankmama Jennster awarded Kevin Charnas *As you may know, Mama Tulip is taking a blogging break right now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t still win an award! Thanks to everyone who participated! [...]
Hilarious! I can sword fight with mine!
Yay! Congrats on the ROFL award. I remember reading this one and laughing!
OMG, I am still reeling from the lazy eye nipple! That is so true, and so well put. I might have to use that from now on, if you don’t mind. Congrats on the ROFL! Well deserved indeed.