It has been raining like piss on a flat rock. And blowing like gas out a cow’s ass. And any other disgusting visual you care to throw in there to illustrate that it has been storming like a mutha. fucka. the past few days.
The last two mornings, my 4-year-old has totally panicked that the trees were going to fall over. I got where she was coming from, as the trees were whipping this way and that, all frenetic. And you know – four. That time when you are not quite sure about monsters in closets, or if that mountain over there is really a volcano about to go off, or if those trees are really stuck into the ground so great.
In the past 48 hours, my daughter and I have had two long, comforting talks, one time involving hot cocoa, about how trees are made to bend so they don’t break. See how they flop this way and that? Sure, it looks scary, but that is bending, which is actually to keep them from breaking. And since it doesn’t really rain that much in these parts, those trees are getting a good bath, and the wind is kind of scrubbing all the old leaves and dirt off them, and those trees probably love that rain and that wind. In fact, if trees could talk, those guys would probably say, ‘holy cow, I’m finally clean!’
And my red nosed, tearful kid kind of giggled and then I sent her off to preschool.
So cue two hours later, when my oldest kid (who is home today. Puking. Because when it started to rain like a mutha. fucka, I looked to the heavens and laughed and said, “is that all you’ve got for me? LOL, big guy! You are losing your touch” and then God laughed, too. And then my oldest kid went to school and accidentally ate the lunch she left at school over the three day weekend instead of the lunch her dad packed for her that morning. Then she came home and said, “that cheese was really funky” and her dad said, “cheese? There was no cheese in your lunch” and then God said, “tag, you’re it.”)
Anyway, my puky kid looked out the window this morning and said, “guess what I see mom?”
Go ahead. Guess what she saw. Guuuuueeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss!
Yeah, you’re right.
(That’s a tree that fell over in our back yard.)
So. What the hell am I supposed to say to the four-year-old now?
Also, the roof is leaking. Also, there are several other huge effing trees in the back yard. Also, the storms continue all this week.
19 Responses to “Oh Crap.”
That tree bent too far, it’s all the trees fault, don’t feel sorry for it.
Eucalyptus should NEVER have been planted in the U.S. EVER.
That tree didn’t do what mommy told it to do.
“and THAT tree refused to bend and be flexible and look what happened to it! Now, go to bed like a good little girl”
I think I would say that that particular tree was complaining a little too much about bath time and, uh, God just got tired of hearing it.
Bonfire? Smores anyone? After the rain quiets down of course.
Ugh on your elder funky cheese eater…ewwwwwwwwwwwwww
That particular tree is so super bendy that it can lay flat on the ground! It must be a yoga master….
You guys are killing me! lololol
“That? Oh, THAT’s for the limbo party! Surprise!”
Oopsie.
Also? Tornado warning.
Yeah… four! This morning my four year old refused to sit in the chair by the floor vent. Worried that green hands were gonna come out of the register and get her. Think about how much worse it would be if green hands actually DID come out of the floor vent, things could be soooo much worse.
I’d go with the “That tree didn’t do what mommy told it to do.” reply and a “that tree was 18 anyway and it was time for it to move out and get a job”.
bad tree bad.
Hi from Australia, I’m reading my way through your archives. I’ve just read the post where commenters suggested various ways to treat colic. Thought I’d share with you about my grand-daughter who screamed every night while being breastfed. I had no idea what to do to help since none of my babies had anything like this. So daughter turned to her mother-in-law who suggested stopping feeding and putting baby on soy milk. It worked. Baby was allergic to milk protein. Later tests proved this. From day one on soy milk there was no more screaming. (No need for medication either.) By now of course your baby girl is probably well over her colic, but thought I’d write this anyway in case other new mums out there are having problems and just maybe soy milk could be the answer.
That tree didn’t eat it’s vegetables and so it wimped out when the wind blew.
Or you could just tell her Daddy knocked it down for fun. It’s always better if Daddy did it.
Go run, right now, and buy an axe.
Also, the Tag, You’re It thing? Killed me dead.
The tree is a much better warning than what I’ve used to scare children into behaving properly: the Greenland-shaped birthmark on my shoulder. Though both are very striking visual aids when kids act the fool.
i, personally, would be tempted to tell my four year old that the tree was giving mommy lip so mommy gave the tree the Business and it fell over dead, so watch your back, Jack, stay in line or you might end up like that tree.
mind you, my four year old has been telling me lately that his butt is itchy because there’s dried poo still there. so, you know. i might just get a blank stare in return for my efforts.