The Lesser High Holiday of Asspostivus
I’ve been reading a lot of New Year’s Resolutions. Deep, good, insightful, moving resolutions. You guys are awesome thoughtful.
I’m going to be honest here and say my only resolution is to get my own Wikipedia page* in at least one of my aliases (aliaii?). Realistically, I’ll probably have to actually do something to get it, damnit. But it sounds so shiny and cool! Want me some redunckulous ego gratification.
Back in December, for my birthday/Christmas gift, my mom bought me a pair of jeans. Size 6!!! I mention the size to balance out the first part of the story, in which I am 35 and my mommy still dresses me. As I’ve gotten older, I have fallen into this horrible trap where my mom buys me stuff from places I don’t usually see people my age buying product, and I suspect she’s dressing me funny. But crap if I know where the hip people buy clothes these days, so it’s not like I have the ammunition of knowledge to cry foul. For all I know, she’s the hippest mofo out there. Except more probably, not.
Straight up: These pants she bought me are from Coldwater Creek. They are made of like 90% lycra, and their catalogue has models in it that don’t look anorexic or under 40. So even for a fashionotsa, a blinky red light went off when I saw the pants. PS: Can you call them ‘jeans’ if they are not really made of jean material? My ass looks like it is wearing one of those circa 1980′s car bras. ‘Memba those things? Hahahhahahaha. At least there is someone out there with more regrettable fashion sense than I. Oh, you had one? Just kidding, then.
Anyway, I called my sister Middle in to the room where I was trying on said pants. I asked her if she (4 years younger and no kids) would wear the pants I had on. Middle nodded enthusiastically and said they were ‘totally in’, and ‘skinny dress pants’ and ‘oooh, dark wash’ which made the red light blink even harder, because Middle kept cutting her eye over at my mom, who was standing there, mouthing the words like a stage mom.
But after 35 years of having my mom dress me, it was hard to shake the pants. Plus, I needed pants. Plus, lyrca clings like a bitch. So I kept them. But as I was folding them up to put in my closet, I noticed they smelled like old lady breath. In the moment, I figured the old lady working in the shop had probably exerted herself folding them up and inserting them in a bag.
So like a fool, I washed the pants (thinking I could get rid of the smell), thus making them unreturnable. The morning breath? It remains. I think it must be some chemical used in the lyrcra pants making process. Anyway, MY ASS SMELLS LIKE A BAG OF ASS. Any suggestions? Because I don’t want that kind of thing on my wiki page.
Also, I got a lot of comments that people could not find my nipple. It actually gave me a sense of hope. Here I am thinking I am one of the only breastfeeders out there, but maybe nobody actually sees nipples. Maybe I am bumping into breastfeeders all day and don’t recognize them.
And since so many of you couldn’t find my nipple a couple of posts ago, I made this for you: Enjoy!
*Damnit, Patri. This is really all your fault.
21 Responses to “The Lesser High Holiday of Asspostivus”
(Hi! Hidden public breastfeeder over here!)
My mother used to say “If I don’t wear a bra, neither should my car.” And truly, neither of them did.
Maybe you could wrap the pants around some sort of sachet of good-smelling stuff for a while? Or just consign them and let it be someone else’s problem. Or stuff them in the back of your closet, which is what I’d do.
I occasionally find myself checking out the Coldwater Creek stuff, but then I have to smack my own face and go listen to punk music for a while. They have really good marketing, though.
My mom shops at Cold Water Creek. Your blinking red light was correct.
It’s a great place to buy a pair of pastel capris and a button down blouse, plus a cardigan to tie around your shoulders. And maybe a sun visor.
None of those things are what my mom buys there, she’s just made me go with her, and I’ve observed. My mom buys t-shirts. Still. Old lady t-shirts. If such a thing exists.
I’ve heard it called Oldwater Creek.
Just sayin’ ….
Seriously? Couldn’t find your nipple? My viewers were much better at nipple recognition that I was. At least you didn’t post a picture of your wrist and try to pass it off as your nipple.
Re: Coldwater Creek. Think mooses and chickadees. That should tell you all you need to know.
breastfeed in public all the time
have accidentally shown the world my nipple many times, though now i have hope that no one actually notices.
thank goodness i live in a pretty yuppie area. though i have gotten the “oh my god i cannot believe you are doing that right here look” before.
JustLinda beat me to the punch on the Oldwater Creek line. Sorry, babe. Your mom bought you mom pants.
Love Waldo.
i think your mom is effing with you. anything that smells like old lady ass breath is not trendy. unless there is a new old lady ass breath trend out there that i don’t know about (entirely possible).
i don’t actually know what IS cool or hip, because i’m too afraid to shop anywhere but walmart. i fear the Fashion Police will roll up on me and give me a ticket for being 32 in a 17 & Under Shopping Zone. or the twelveteen year old sales girl who gets paid to glare scornfully at anyone over 18 is going to call Security to escort me out. i’m not really sure where i’m supposed to shop.
My mom drags me in Coldwater Creek with her all the time and dude. That shit is for old people. Half of the fabric for their clothes looks like something my grandma would cover her couch with. It’s just wrong. And bad.
I think I just snorted something out of my nose. Or maybe I wet myself. I’m not sure anymore. Yay for Wally!
Frequent public breastfeeder here, and my daughter is in the popping off stage. I always feel like I’m flashing everybody, but nobody says anything.
Oh dear. Step AWAY from the Coldwater Creek. Also? Chicos and Talbots. Just say NO.
$hit, I just looked at my closet and see that a good 25% of my work clothes are from Chicos. Uh oh……
At least _your_ mother made her My Daughter Is An Old Lady purchase _slightly_ debatable. _MY_ mother bought me a gray fleece zip-up boxy jacket with BIRDS AND SNOW AND PINECONES embroidered all over it.
I’m 37.
Sigh.
Pfft…. I just shop the fat lady section, who give a piffle ’bout teh fashion? Not me.
BAAAHAHAHAA!
I TOTALLY couldn’t find your nipple at first and omfg, I was too embarrassed to say it.
And, I loooove the black box over the bebe’s eyes. Like she’s a fashion ‘don’t.’
LOVE.
Whenever my mom gives me clothes I smile and thank her and then when she leaves they usually go right to the Goodwill bag. Luckily I have a kid now so SHE gets stuck with all the unfashionable clothes for like one wearing AND THEN they go to Goodwill.
And geesh THANK YOU for redirecting me to YOUR NIPPLE. AAAAAGGH. I feel like I just got nailed with one of those porno pop ups on myspace (as you are nekkid and using a fake name. See? JUST LIKE A PORNO!).
I found your nipple easily, as it is exactly like mine: always hanging out while it should be in someone’s mouth. EVERYONE has seen my nipples, and at this point I just don’t give a fuck. Dammit, Egg is awakening, ttyl!
I really can’t stop laughing, and I know that’s such a boring comment…but really you bring the funny, woman!
Found your nipple right away.. and it was funny as hell. As a former breastfeeder.. my nipples are out there right and left (pun intended) My ex husband (the taker of the pictures) wasn’t too awfully observant. hehe I really wish I cared. But the truth be known, my nipples ain’t that bad and if I gotta have somethin out there, it might as well be them.
oh fuck.. looking down at my coldwater creek sweater.
I’m old.
god, i just bought an actual pair of pants that have a lingering smell that i just can’t shake.
i love the pants. the smell just WON’T wash away.
help!