Yesterday I was over at my parents’ house with my kids. We were making popcorn ball snowmen for the holidays (I know, set your faces to ‘awww’ and fire at will). The big kids were having a great time and the baby was completely Looney tunes angry that I would not let her dive head first into the pot of popcorn goo. She is in that stage where she growls at everything. ‘Happy’ sounds like a tiger cub purring. ‘Pissed off’ is like she was hatched at Jurassic Park. Yesterday, she was full on T-Rexing over goo denial.
Anyway, as I was taking the her away from the festivities, my mom directed me to read the Christmas letter she was getting ready to send out. My parents are real AC/DC types who won’t send any cards for three years in a row, and then they’ll send out handmade cards with pictures and a two-page-letter insert that tells every possible detail about anything that has happened to everyone in our family. I’m not even kidding. In the 2006 Christmas card, my mom told approximately 200 of her nearest and dearest that I got an episiotomy in January.
But! My parents don’t like to embarrass me on purpose (I’m pretty sure, anyway) they just have boundaries different from mine. And so I was kind of shocked yesterday to get down to the paragraph about me and see my dad had bragged that (among my other awesome yearly accomplishments) I was still keeping up a blog.
I stood there in the smell of popcorn with Li’ll Growler squirming in my arms, and I saw all the stuffed envelopes on the table, and I had to sit down. Now, my dad knows I have a blog, but he doesn’t know how to find it, and he’s never shown any interest in the contents. But the truth is that from time to time I do tell him or my mom about it. Enough for him to know it is a BIG ASSED SECRET anyway.
And so I turned to him and said, “Dad, you wrote in this letter about my blog.” I didn’t know whether or not I was allowed to ask him to reprint 200 papers. And I guess I also assumed some had already gone out.
My dad looked at me and said, “Is there anything else you want me to take out? I could take out everything and no one would know anything about you at all.” and went out to work in the garage. Then my mom came over and said it would be no problem to reprint the letters and no cards had gone out.
It got me thinking about secrets, and how they are a form of control over another person. I was pretty much trying to control what came out of my dad’s mouth. But it was either tell him or not tell him about my blog, and I wanted my dad to know about me. Since my parents’ boundaries are so blurry, and my husband likes his boundaries nice and defined, I frequently get caught in this awkward place, unsure of what is an appropriate privacy or openness or secrecy.
My dad came back in about a half an hour later. I said, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
He shrugged and said, “one day you are going to be a famous writer, and then everyone will find out anyway.” He said it with such a strange mix of emotions on his face. Like he was so proud of me that he couldn’t understand why I would try and hide part of myself, and so he was also disappointed in me at the same time.
Anyway, I almost got outed from the blog closet by my own dad.
As an aside, I have been thinking about getting a job next year, and what that will mean for keeping or ending this blog.
I have mostly thought of this blog as a foolish endeavor, something likely to come back and bite me in the ass in a million different realized and unrealized ways. A month ago, I was pretty sure I was going to deep six this place when I put my professional hat back on. But the way my dad looked at me yesterday, like he was a little ashamed that I was so embarrassed of this part of myself, that I have to hide and deceive and not be true to the whole of who I am. I don’t know. I would not be a writer at all if not for this blog, but to accept the person I am here into the person I am in real life seems like it can only bring bad things and ridicule. Plus, I’m guessing most people would fire my ass from the workplace if they read this and realized I was their employee.
I don’t expect you to fix this problem for me, natch. I’m thinking out loud is all. Certainly, if you are spelunking with me this far into my navel, you are probably escaping into your computer from your own relatives for the holidays. I will be leaving for the holidays on Monday, so if I’m not responsive, it’s not because I’ve gone nuts. I’ve just gone to Disneyland.
17 Responses to “Freak Flag: Fold or Let Fly”
As someone who was recently fired from her workplace because of her supposedly anonymous blog, I completely understand your dilemma. I love blogging — it’s the only way I have sometimes to process my feelings, and the only time I really feel like a writer. However, it most definitely has bitten me in the ass. Am I going to stop? No, I don’t think so. But I am going to worry a lot more about it now.
I’m not an anonymous blogger, but most of our family and quite a few of our friends don’t know about my blog.
Honestly, it’s pretty boring stuff- mostly reviews, but I feel weird telling some people I know about it. It’s like there might be a glimpse into something I’d normally hide.
Even now, when I wrote a post about how the telephone is a hidden workload for the modern mom, my mom and a half dozen friends now apologize every time they call.
There are things I really yearn to say to someone, discussions I want to have, but I don’t necessarily want to saddle the people around me with any feelings of responsibility.
My brother found my blog and apparently told my (estranged) parents about it. So now they are all reading it from front to back. They clearly don’t know I can see when they are there and what they are looking at.
Since I’ve lost that part of my anonymity, I’m thinking of just going rogue and letting it all hang out. Maybe I’ll put my blog cards in my holiday cards!
Anywa, long story. But overall, i feel this sense of relief that I no longer have to try to hide something I’m proud of.
i remember you saying a while back that nobody in your real life would EVER believe you had a blog. for some reason, that sticks in my mind. i think you are freaking hilarious, and i don’t think i’ve read anything here that would cause you to be embarrassed about people finding you.
having said that, i’m still in the closet with my friends and family about my own blog. i like it that way. it’s a part of me that (i know, it’s on the freaking internet) is intensely PERSONAL.
don’t ask me to explain it, i don’t know. i just work here.
I lack both boundaries and a filter. So work knows I blog, and blog knows I work, and…whatever. The only secrets I keep are the ones that NO ONE but me knows, including the internets.
I tried to maintain anonymity for a long time, but I finally just gave up. There are enough blogs in the world that most people don’t have time or energy enough to go looking for mine, and my work compatriots already know that I’m a freak. So, I vote for letting the cat out of the blog, and not worrying too much about it. Somewhere out there someone’s probably worrying that you’ll find *their* blog
Selfishly, I’d like for you to continue writing all the freaking time – aside from keeping the family happily dancing around you like a beloved may pole (cuz they do, right?) At any rate, some of my favorite blog entries have been about bodily functions, pregnant and otherwise, and then the tender stuff of misery. My cup of tea! Going public and in the family with that kind of writing could be dicey or excessively liberating … or maybe nothing at all need change. You get to be in charge of your own truth. That’s one swell boundary for keeps. I don’t speak from experience because I’m the original timid mouse in print-sure to offend or expose something or someone (assuming it was read by other than utter strangers). Also? Not that funny. But I’m surely a fan of yours and would miss your rare brand of expression more than words can say.
The best lesson from the internet-world is don’t write anything you’d be embarassed to find printed on the front page of the newspaper the next day.
Since I’m the kind of person who burps and toots in public, my threshold of embarassment is Empire State building-high. Your missives on fat rolls and vomit etc. I find endearingly human.
I think people would get “in trouble” for what they write if they are writing things about other adults — especially things they would never say to their face.
The real dilemma will be our sweet kids. Will they forgive us in 2020 for having told the world about their poop sagas??
I say be proud and let it fly. You are so talented and hilarious
I don’t have a blog, just crazy parents. (Let’s just say I don’t think you need a secret blog to have disagreements about how much to disclose to 200.) I think you should continue writing your blog (or at least publish already so we can read you elsewhere). I don’t know if it is better to have it anonymous or not, but I think you have time to mull it over before you decide and as long as it is keeping you writing and proving an outlet, keep it and see how it goes.
My blog started when I quit working and it will most likely end when I start working. It depends what kid of work you do…. but you could and should be a writer. You are an amazing story teller, incredibly funny and creative. I really think that even if you stop writing this blog after while you will find another outlet for your writing. You have talent and I think, part of you will always want to write. I think… I could be wrong. It so weird to feel like I know you but I don’t. Well… it’s your blog and I am not going to tell you how to raise it.
I’m not so sure what you think those who know you will find so completely repulsive about this blog. Mostly, you are funny, sarcastic, pragmatic, and honest. You don’t say many bad things about people…and I can’t remember the last time you bad-mouthed your fam. Seriously? I think you’re making too much out of having people know about it. That’s all.
I think you’re a brilliant writer and a funny person, and if this is your outlet, you should be very proud of it. You own this, and no one else. If there is an option for you to have a public friends and family-friendly blog that your dad and others can be connected to you through, then that is something you should consider. If not, then you do deserve the utmost respect for your privacy to be preserved.
I say keep plugging at it. You are an awesome writer and such a wonderful personality on this here internet. I have enjoyed every post I’ve ever read on your site and I will continue to enjoy them. I hope you have a great time at Disneyland and bring us all back some good stories. If you chose to deep six the blog, give us a heads up so we can all express our admiration and adoration or whatever it is we have for you because this place will be a lot less bright if you go.
See… and to me that’s so weird. I find you so talented and creative and refreshingly original that I think you should be SO OUT THERE. But I respect that you have your desires to be private. But can I say again that you are SO talented and SO creative and I would LOVE to read anything that you put out. It’s your situation and you will do what is right for you – but please know that from this reader – I think you are aces! Truly!
I can see why your dad would be proud of you. Yes- some of the writing here is obviously informal and somewhat potty mouthed- but that’s the reason I enjoy reading it in the first place. You point out in graphic detail things that I’ve either not had the courage to mention or hadn’t even begun to imagine. I hope you keep up your blog, but I also understand how limiting it can be to a professional. I would certainly miss the laughs and keeping up with what’s going on with you.
I’ve never told my close friends or family that I blog because I know the second I did I’d have to start censoring my deepest thoughts–something I realy don’t ever want to have to do.
Hi there, stranger. Long time, no comment. A baby, huh? LOL
I sort of struggled with this dilemma too, back when I was blogging. Not so much as you, though. I know eventually they all found and read it – my mom, my older kids, etc. Eh. It’s sort of like that line from Bridges of Madison County… Francesca writes in the letter she leaves to her children: What becomes more and more important is to be known — known for all that you were during this brief stay.
I agree with that, though I can see all the reasons why others would take a different path. I haven’t blogged in quite awhile, but I came to terms with being ‘found’. Maybe I wanted to be found. Who knows.
(It’d be even better to be found by someone with bags of money for me who asks me to quit my job and write full time, eh? LOL)
Hope you are well. Happy New Year to you and yours. (A baby? Really? It has been a long time since I’ve visited! haha)
I find your blog to be quite positive, in all honest. You’re not badmouthing anyone. You don’t whine and bitch unless it’s fodder for laughs. Overall, I think if I was your boss (and I might be–you don’t know), I’d be pretty happy to have someone so fun and intelligent on my team.