Like a Cat With Tape on Its Paws
The universe is conspiring against me to get one effing thing done on my own this week. Three kids is no joke, people. They can successfully get out of pocket, outnumber you, grab you by your ponytail, throw a saddle on you and ride you with spurs on, and all sleep around the clock on different schedules, keeping you wide awake for 36 consecutive hours. Until you are hiding under the bed, calling 911 and begging for rescue.
Stuck inside my own head, with Lady Gaga on infinite play I’ve been pondering: I think I’m a little crushing on the Edward panties. You’re hovering over that link, but I know that if you are a sexually repressed housewife like I am, you’ve already seen them. And conversely, if you already know what’s under that link? Well then, welcome to my world, Horny McMommypants. My kids are old enough to rattle the doorknob. What’s your excuse?
The fascination with EdPanties09 makes me feel like I should have a comb-over, a yellow corvette, and a beer belly. And yet? Cannot look away. Or stop thinking inappropriate things. Mostly about how anybody could get all the way to putting Edward inside the panties and yet not be bothered to get an open mouth shot. And ew, just writing that gets me right back in that self loathing place where I feel like I should smell like a roller-skating rink and have fuzzy dice on my rear view mirror.
But! It has been thought many a times and so must be said as well. Why with the closed mouth? Much like the Twilight series itself, it gets so close to delivering some totally inappropriate and yet vaguely satisfying sexual thrill, but then just leaves you hanging… out on Ed’s face. I’ve said too much, yes? I must have, because there is that painful burning sensation at the thought of posting. Yay!
As a super gross addendum, Middle sister called with a question about birth control and strokes in our family history. Except she kept saying “I don’t want to stroke out,” which, in my vocab, is a sexual reference, even though in hers it is a medical term for brain bleed. But double weird because we were kind of talking about sex-related things, but in the sterile atmosphere of birth control. And also, it was my sister, and we’re tight, but not really on the level where we freely exchange masturbation talk. Finally, I had to crawl under my desk and ask her to just. stop. saying. that. But I couldn’t exactly say why, except for it was like a hotdog rolled in grape jelly – sisters and sex talk and strokes is no good together. Ew-ew-ew.
And PS: I was in a state of constant amusement this week how many people assumed I would not stumble to the idea of having a lock on the bedroom door. I am laughing right now writing that. I love that you guys think I am the kind of bad ass who would boink around without heavy barricades in place. Even with them there, I am still having a hard time getting satisfaction. One more week of nighttime only sex and I might seriously turn into the girl (over 15) who wears the Edward Panties for realz. I can’t stay up until ten to have sex! I am the mother of three children!
9 Responses to “Like a Cat With Tape on Its Paws”
I can’t stay up until 10 either, love.
I you with a magnitude of love reserved solely for an object of internet blog stalking.
As a fellow mother-of-three, I too have Lady GaGa on infinite play at the moment, and am stymied by two teens who are awake far too late and a libido-crushing degree of fifth-grade must-be-supervised homework for my youngest. Alas. But now I have a link to Edward panties to marvel at, and my day is complete.
I thought I was doing alright on the must-resist-Edward-knickers front, until I saw New Moon yesterday, and now I’ve got a dreadful case of Jacobitis.
What is it with Bella and being all “Oh I’m surrounded by gorgeous men who are hot for me, but I think I’ll just squint and whine…” Bleah. Doesn’t she realize in a decade or two she’ll be surrounded by cranky children who don’t let her sleep? THAT will be the time to squint and whine.
Edward panties. My secret shame, being the old pervert on the Twilight Fan-Sights who is seriously having a lust-fest over the child actors. Taylor Lautner. OMG. So yah. Edward panties.
Re: your sister’s concerns
My friend died in her 20s from deep vein thrombosis antagonized by birth control hormones and smoking. If I understand correctly, there is a specific gene (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090415172235.htm) that makes its carriers more susceptible to stroke. Other female family were tested for the gene.
If the gene is found in a woman, not only should she discontinue birth control/hormones and quit smoking, she will also need special attention during pregnancy, after injuries, and during/after surgical procedures.
The combination of smoking and hormone therapies (including birth control) may still be dangerous for individuals without the gene. Since my friend’s life ended abruptly, seeing women, especially young women, smoke saddens me greatly.
For most people without a family history of DVT or female relatives having embolisms, the genetic test may be an overkill.
In my untrained opinion, hormone-based birth control should be viewed as a calculated risk.
Sorry to climb up on my soapbox, but I wish we’d taken those fine print warnings more seriously before my friend died.
Yeah, my excuse is I fall asleep at 7:30 pm.
And I think if Edward’s mouth were open (and that really, really would be nice) we would see his shiny sharp teeth and that would make the kitty cat cringe.
Ha. My husband and I had a very interesting conversation the other night about how we were too tired for sex.
M
I can’t stay up til ten AND I have no lock on my bedroom door. Guess my kid will NEVER get any siblings!! Poor dear!
I’ve had sex twice since the baby was born. Seriously. I have NO mojo. None. Don’t tell. I’m totally embarrassed.