TMI, the Ugly Stepchild of Secret Keeping
I’ve gotten myself in this stupid meta-blog-pickle in which I am keeping secrets from you again, and I’m not brave/stupid/ready to talk about that with you yet, and it is effing up my ability to talk to you about anything at all.
It is weird how I have to reenact secrets everywhere once they get started somewhere. Like now, I am secretly planning to take the kids to Disneyland for Christmas, and am sneaking around, trying to plan this out without them knowing. Which is a fool’s errand if ever there was one, because any essence of Disneyland is like blood in shark-infested waters, where small children can sense it miles away and come circling in.
In other secrety news, I have started freaking out about sex during daylight hours, because the kids are old enough to walk out of their rooms and tall enough to reach doorhandles, or knock on the bedroom door, even when it is nap time. And although this has not happened yet, the threat of it happening eventually is hanging out there and causing me to feel a little weirded-out about getting freaky. Also, it makes me remember the times I realized my own parents had sex. And eww, nothing will cold fish your libido faster than thinking of any of those things I just listed when you are trying to get your MILF on. I fear that soon I will be regulated to sex only in the dark, after 10:00 PM, and VERY, VERY QUIETLY for the next 18 years, because this will be the only time I won’t have to keep one eye on the doorknob.
Because, secrets, people. Once you’ve got one, you’ve got an infestation, and there is nothing to do but buy that special cream at the pharmacy and burn whatever won’t wash.
17 Responses to “TMI, the Ugly Stepchild of Secret Keeping”
Dude…. does your bedroom door not have a lock? Fifteen bucks (for the nice ones) at yer local hardware store. Invest now.
That said, I have a lock on my door and still cannot swing daytime nookie except for the rare Saturday-morning-cartoon-sponsored kind. Nobody naps around here anymore.
The lock will prevent full fledged horror, yes, but I still fear the rattling of the doorknob and the “mommy, mommy, what are you doing? Why can’t I come in?” Just typing that made me gross the eff out.
Anne
It’s better than being caught in the act and thinking that the cat jumped on the bed when in reality it is your child. Talk about a libido crusher.
Oh dear God do I know this horror. All I have to say is thank God my daughter is 4.5 and didn’t really notice anything unusual. thank God we were under the covers. Thank God we weren’t getting freaky in any sort of “unusual” position. Thank God for spooning. OY. No more early morning nooky for me, thanks.
elle -
The worst is I keep reading your comment as ‘talk about a dildo crusher’.
Sigh… yeah. Is it just a chick thing, this fear-of-doorknob-rattle mood killer thing? Cuz Dadguy doesn’t suffer from it.
We tell them to leave us alone, we’ll be out soon enough and to wait for us. We give them a ‘chore’ to do or instructions to play outside or even to simply chill somewhere else besides outside our door if they’re agitating. Frankly, my marriage comes first. If it doesn’t, then I end up resenting my children. If I give my husband my time with him then we are BOTH much happier. We love our kids to the ends of this Earth but they can certainly wait us out! In the meantime? They can get an apple or a pear, William can pour glasses of milk, etc.
William is 8 now. 8! So, yeah. He’s old enough to raise an eyebrow soon enough and DEFINITELY open a door. We need a better locking door, too.
All it takes to open it? A quarter. heh
Don’t be worried. You are supposed to ENJOY each other. Who knows this better than a Catholic? Ha, ha! Having kids is of course the purpose of egg and sperm joining but thank GOD He made it FUN. Even in the middle of the day, first thing in the morning and escaping here and there at night before bed.
Even with kids lurking. I’m just quieter during the day. 
Hah!
Good luck with Disneyland.
I hope it’s grand fun.
Buy the lock! I was that child once and I never got over it. Buy the lock, damn you!
Sex? What is that? I ask only because we have small children who wake up every early and a grown child of 20 who sleeps in the room under ours and goes to bed after we do. We sometimes have a window of about 3 minutes when the little kids have gone to sleep and the big kid isn’t home yet, however the idea that she will surely walk in and start yelling “WHERE ARE YOU? EWWWWWWWWW!” is a big turn off. We choose to live with our memories, oh what sweet memories they are too.
Buy a hook and eye lock and use it. My friends parents took a daily nap and were never to be disturbed from 1-3pm. Might be time to start a new tradition in your household- lol
My children are twice as likely to come into the bedroom at night just as we’re getting warmed up. So yeah. Ew.
But I have a husband that believes daytime sex is the devils work, so… I live in fear of the night time walk-in. Talk about your walks of shame. Husting yourself back into your jammies to take a kid back to bed is about as bad as it gets.
It was difficult when the baby was an infant in the bassinet 10 feet away, I can’t imagine them at an age where they can remember or walk in or something horrible like that. Horror. horror.
Oh GAWD you’re knocked up again AREN’T YOU?! Ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!!! (I’m just kidding, but obvs. this is the first thing that everyone assumes when a married person with children haz secrets. RIGHT?!)
Lock your door.
i am running totally against the crowd here: my kid walked in on me and my husband one day (click. “Daaadddy? What are you doing, Daddy?”). my husband threw on some undies and took the kid back downstairs and sat his ass in front of the tv. then came back to bed and locked the door.
it’s not that big a deal. if i want a piece of ass, a nosy 4 year old isn’t going to stop me. and he was hardly traumatized by seeing us getting our freak on. he was just like, “are you guys having a cuddle?”
i say throw away the traditional freak-out about this. sex is totally natural. if your kid sees it, your kid sees it.
My parents had sex in the next room the night I had my first sleepover…on Halloween…when I was thirteen. The number of times I had to bang on the wall between our rooms and yell at them to keep it down, I couldn’t count. I’m still skeezed out by it and my parents were never actually spotted naked in my house.
Lock on your bedroom door. Our kids come knocking always at the wrong time.
In other news How the hell do you have time or energy for dayight sex?