I Cough in Your General Direction
Long story short, the kids got sick, and then my husband and I got sick, and then there was ONE kid who got healthy while everyone was sick, and that kid ran around the house whining, I’mBorrrrrred! at volume 10 for three days while the rest of us dragged around the house like toasty 102 degree zombies, and at first I was all brave and sequestering all of us for the Good of Humanity! because eff you, flu-bug. I shall not pass you on.
But eventually I broke down and called people to at least come and take the healthy kid – I would slip her through the mail slot to avoid contagion – just do something to help me out. But no one would help me out. Not even my own dad, who claimed he was too old and infirm to risk getting the flu.
And thusly, I was trapped in the house with two coughing-fever kids and then the one running around singing MommyMommyMommyI’mBored.
Also, there were three trips to the doctor, two successful, and one in which I gave up after 45 minutes and left, unseen. All three times I stood outside due to the posted request on the front of the door: if I was a coughing, sneezing, fever plagued zombie, do my duty and stand outside so as not to infect helpless parties inside. And I did so, feeling all tearful and ostracized alone in the parkinglot, trying to entertain a sick kid.
So of course, when they finally called my kid’s name, I walked into the waiting room, which was stuffed like a sardine can with people. ALL OF WHOM WERE COUGHING their sphincters out. Inside. With comfy chairs and a TV. I wanted to scream YOU BASTARDS! and wipe my nose all over my bare hand and then slap some of them slimy. But that seemed inappropriate.
Anyway, by Thursday, we ran out of food, and I had to drag all my sick kids to the grocery store. And all the healthy people at the store gave me mean looks with my barrel of snot-nosed monkeys hanging out of the cart, looking limp and glassy eyed. But WTF was I supposed to do? Starve? Leave them with their comatose father (who insisted I not go through drive-through because the workers were probably all sick with the flu, and he did not want to eat flu-food. Which, again, WTF, buddy? The woman you are looking at guaranteed has the flu and guaranteed is going to be making your lunch otherwise. Why not take your chances? But he was rather insistent.)
Anyway, everyone knows how this story ends. It ends with me becoming moderately functional this morning, only to find the One Kid, the one shining beacon of healthiness, Not Feeling Well This Morning. You already had it! I want to yell. But when she looks up at me so pitifully, I just snuggle her instead and let her wipe her nose on my shirt and breathe hot breath all over my face. Which just proves: Stupidest Contagion Collecting Mother Ever.
PS: I am one of those people who doesn’t notice anything, but once I do notice it, it totally bothers me. Also, I married a guy who notices everything and is really great at telling me, and describing exactly what it is he notices. This is probably a bad fit, couple wise.
When I was trying to illustrate just now how nothing bothers me, I thought of saying I could eat the asshole out of a horse and not care as long as I did not know.
But then I realized, I have a true life example: My husband used to whisk me away on fabulous vacations when we were child-free. One time, early on, he took me to Mexico City for the week, during which we went to a very fancy dinner that had a menu in French. And the part that wasn’t in French was in Spanish. And we ordered the special. And it was bull balls. Which were tasty! Until we found out what it was. And until my husband started in with the commentary about texture and such, during which I ordered my very first martini (I was 20 at the time), which kicked off a decade long love affair with alcohol. Because Bull Balls! Spongy! can be effectively erased off your hard drive.
Anyway, while sick, he was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. “Mickey’s ears are always facing forward, even when Mickey turns his head sideways,” my husband says.
I look over, and sure enough.
I shrug. “Maybe it’s easier to draw that way.”
“No,” my husband says. “It’s harder.”
A minute later: “It’s like a perpetual advertisement, you always see the icon.”
A few minutes after that: “Some shmoe has to reconfigure those ears no matter what the rest of the 3-D Mickey is doing. That poor bastard. All to subliminally brand a whole generation of mousketeers. ”
Weakly, from couch, shaking fist: “I’ll see you in hell, Ear Man.”
Over ears! But now that he made me see it, I can’t unsee it.
18 Responses to “I Cough in Your General Direction”
And you’ve officially ruined Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for me.
Oh, who am I kidding? I hate that damn show.
Hope you’re all feeling better soon.
I would have taken your one healthy kid – but the poor child would have then been subject to the runny-nosed battalions over here, all of whom, despite their teen- and preteen-ages, still require close personal contact with my breathing space when they are ill. Yeesh. I hope you are all feeling up and about and germ-free soon!
Dude I would pay big money to see that slime-slap on video. Next time? Please consider it!! PLEASE!
Damn you! Now I will never be able to watch that show again w/o being pissed off at the animator
“I’ll see you in hell Ear Man” is now going on the list of favorite quotes, next to “Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave” from Madagascar.
I’m a noticer and wish I wasn’t. I picked up on the MM thing awhile back and the cartoon has never been the same.
You are of course going to be sick again tomorrow and the healthy kid will be fine. In fact- you’ll probably be the only sick one in the house and everyone will want dinner and clean socks. That’s how it works in my world.
Yeah thaaaaaaanks Mr. Nahm, jeeeesh. i am happier with my horse bungholes.
wtf happened to disney? I miss all the hand drawn cartoons of my childhood instead of this creepy 3-d animation crap. I hate the ears and the “new” voice of mickey mouse – it sounds like he’s trying to speak with his head shoved up his ass.
Did you happen to notice that Mickey’s ears do it and Minnie’s don’t? Now that makes me mad. haha
Love you and your blog, but I think it’s kind of messed up to go to the grocery store and spread the germs. My 4 month old can’t be vaccinated yet, so I am at the mercy of others to protect her. Maybe next time you could have a friend, neighbor, or relative leave some groceries on the porch. Also, I haven’t done it before, but I thought it was possible to order groceries online. Glad to hear that most of the family is feeling better.
It would have been TOTALLY appropriate to slap them slimy!
DUDE – the EARS! When he turned his head and then they were sticking out of his forehead and the back of his head? I actually gasped.
i bet if you put a mask on when you went out and wrote, in the biggest letters you can fit, “SWINE FLU” on your mask, you would get a chair INSIDE the doctor’s office. and, if you casually took the mask off while in line to pay for groceries, (after everyone had seen your “SWINE FLU” mask) you would not have to wait. miraculously, you would be at the front of the line.
it’s all about working the system.
I am you, my husband is your husband…exactly! I will be watching some thing on TV and he will say ” Man, those tiles weren’t straight” Who notices what the tiles are like when someone is being killed in the bathroom?” I have no idea how he can ejoy anything, does he ever even notice the storyline? Just too busy noticing all the weird unimportant things and darn it, if he doesn’t make me notice them and then forget what I am watching!
I think Mickey’s ears are really bull balls. If they’re flat like most ears, they of course would need to be re-drawn as the perspective changes. But if they are indeed spheres — bull balls, if you will — they look the same from all angles.
Duuuuude. WTF, Mickey? WHY THE FUCK?!?!?! Also, Michelle seems a little bitter. Hey, remember the last time I was a meanie in your comments and TNG and I got all pissy at each other and then we were BFF’s and it all worked out? You think that will happen this time? Prolly not.
If I had to go grocery shopping with sick kids, I would make my husband come with me. Even if he was sick I wouldn’t let him escape that hell. Or, I guess the better solution would be to leave the sick kids with him and go shopping by myself. If he wants a chance at a flu-free meal, then he has to take care of the kids for an hour.
Oh for crying out loud! How the hell had I never seen that before?!
Now it’s going to bug me and my OCD tendancies.
OK, SO glad we don’t have cable- my kids have never seen that show, and I swear they will never see those effing messed-up mouse ears! Not on my watch, Mickey… not on my watch.
We’ll stick to the heavily-marketed DVD movies we have… at least nobody in those ones has ears sticking out of his forehead and the back of his head. GAK!
I would have noticed. That’s just WRONG.