Way More Talk About Panties Than This Post Needs
As of this morning, I’ve lost 60 pounds since the birth of my April Fool’s Day baby. I gained 48 pounds with her, so this is the skinniest I’ve been since I started having kids.
Which is not as sexy as it might seem, as now I’m always running around hitching up the seat of my pants everywhere I go. Plus, underneath that? My ass* has actually gotten small enough that my underwear bunches up. What I’m sporting right now is like the opposite of wedgie, because there is all this extra loose material. It’s a buldgie is what it is. It looks like I have herniated my panties. Enjoy that, google string searchers.**
I hear you already, through the internet, screaming: Go buy some decent shit, Anne. I know. I know. It’s just that when you are too busy to eat enough to maintain your own gigantic body weight? You are also too busy to go on a mad shopping spree for new clothes. It would be nice to pull some stuff out of the closet.
Anyway, before I got pregnant this last time, I had this epiphany and gave away all my clothes that did not fit. Since I’ve dropped weight, I have been cursing the loss of all my small clothes because LO! FINALLY! TEN EFFING CAP-LOCKED YEARS LATER! I could wear some of that stuff again. (Although maybe I could only lose the weight after I let go of the old skinny clothes. It is like some falling-tree-in-the-forest paradox no?)
BUT! Then I remembered that I actually did have some small-sized clothes left over from the Great Purge of Ought Eight. And why were these clothes so special that they were collected and saved separately, you ask (or probably don’t ask, but since you are here, I’ll tell you anyway.) Because they were fancy panties! Those matchy panty/bra combos I bought before nursing bras became part of my wardrobe. In days of yore when getting laid was preceded by dinner, a movie, and a glass of wine instead of a shower, a dropping of all clothes in a grimy pile by the closet, and a polite inquiry of , “so… You wanna monkey tonight?”
These undies were the kind that were too expensive to toss, and I couldn’t really fathom donating, and I assured myself back then as I packed them away that Children Were Not Going to Change Me or My Body That Much, so naturally I’d be back in my lace turquoise bra and thong set within a year of my 2003 delivery.
Yeah, I’m guessing some of you know how that story goes, right up until eight years later, when I blow the dust off that bin in the garage and take a look at my circa Ally McBeal underwear. Which OMIGOD, I am wearing right now in all their turquoise glory.
So on one hand, I’m enjoying the lack of buldgie. On the other hand, I feel like Miss Havisham in my vintage underwear from a bygone era. I’ve been wearing the panties around the house this past week (not the same pair, pervs). These items now seem like the clothing equivalent of The Pet Cemetery. As I sit here writing with dust in my crack, I tell you: Sometimes dead is better.
*I touched my own butt last night and was amazed to realize a cheek fits in one hand now. Also rather shocked to realize that I touch my butt so infrequently that this could come as a surprise.
**This month I floated up to the first page on a search string about a certain popular blogger sucking. Now I know every time she posts because I get a flurry of hits. Stuff shows up faster than Bloglines can tell me she posted, which I guess is just a glimpse behind the curtain of how many people read that chick.
ETA: This is so much worse than that time I lived in Beverly Hills and Brenda and I wore the same dress to prom and then she got to bang Dylan - Dooce posted about post-pregnancy weight and huge underwear today too. I knowwwwwww. Is awkward and embarrassing. Should I delete my post? Have revenge sex with Brandon?! WhatToDooooooooo?
21 Responses to “Way More Talk About Panties Than This Post Needs”
I still have old Victoria’s Secret stuff from the late 80s and early 90s. And I still wear it. Most of it is silk and beautifully made, not like the stuff they sell today, which is rather cheap and disappointing. I can’t fit into any of my old bras though. They are all B-cups and I’m now a deflated A.
And congratulations! Enjoy yourself.
60lbs! Way to go woman!
Can you give me your secrets? And no I am not having a third child~!
Dude. Don’t you hate it when you get the wedgies from all that totally non-sensible underwear? I do. And so mine remain buried under my three-packs of plain ole cotton Hanes Her Ways. And frankly, my husband is so excited to see me with my pants off (it happens VERY INFREQUENLTY) he really could care less what is on my butt so long as it comes off VERY SOON. HOW ANNOYING.
And to think … I have been looking around for a box (or bag) of some large underwear I bought during my first pregnancy. Surely I didn’t get rid of them (even though they were huge and awful and still not that comfortable). Now that I’m almost 20 weeks along, I’m just not comfy in 90% of what’s in my drawer.
Wouldn’t it be revenge-sex with Jon? Or…ew.
i am sad to say that never in my life has one butt cheek ever fit into one hand. and especially not right now, because i seem intent on eating my way to the top. the top of what? i’m not sure. the top of Sweet N Salty Mountain. (as dirty as that sounds.)
as for you and dooce posting about the same thing? i think you should tell dooce to either leave town or tell Serena the truth and face Bree and her family at the wedding.
You are hilarious. I just read your post aloud to Jim. You had him at “It looks like I have herniated my panties.”
Great writing.
i’m embarrassed to say that i read “buldgie” as “budgie”, and that in my sleep deprived state, it seemed reasonable that you described your underwear situation as looking like a small squawky bird stuck up your behind…
I’m tempted to try your trick of giving away the small clothes as 16 months post birth of number four I still have a huge arse. I have lost it in between all of the other kids but maybe this one needs that extra little nudge to get my weight loss going!
Great job on the weight loss!
As for dooce, your writing is SO Much better than hers. Gah, I can’t believe I still have her bookmarked.
Hi!
I came over here because of a commenter on Dooce’s panties story and wanted to tell you I really enjoyed your post! While the subject matter may be the same, you each present it in a way that is unique to yourselves. One isn’t “better” than the other (sorry pkzcass), they are both equally great reading–Honestly, I don’t see why you wouldn’t pick up more readers because of this little Prom-dress dust-up (and you should sooo sleep with Dylan!!). I also read some of your earlier posts and want to say YAY on the hair donation! I did that in May–it’s an amazing feeling, isn’t it? If you’d like an alternative to Locks of Love, try Beautiful Lenghths. They actually make wigs for women rather than children (the only one who does). They are sponsored by Pantene. I did it in memory of my aunt who had just passed.
Wow! For a newbie to your site, I started with a bang! I’ll be back–I enjoy you!
you are totally the Brenda at prom and you get to bang Dylan. just saying.
also? SHOP ONLINE! you can get new underwear AND be lazy!
Anne – if you think/hope you’re going to continue to lose weight take a trip to Goodwill. You can “rent” the clothes – for cheap. And since you didn’t spend a lot, you won’t feel the need to cling to them. When you’re done with them, donate them back.
I do not, however, recommend buying panties at Goodwill. Get thee to Target woman! Decent drawers for not too many dollars (see what I did there – snazzy, huh?)!
I am in the same place you are re: weight loss after baby. I did not lose nearly as much as you (that is seriously impressive) but I too weigh 10+ pounds less than I did when I got pregnant. And I have NOTHING to wear. I stupidly threw away all of my smaller clothes after my first child, never imagining that I’d be this thin after #2. I so wish I had saved my Victoria Secret’s stuff circa 1996…I am wearing MATERNITY panties right now!!! They are like 3 times too big. How embarrassing.
I say rock the turquoise. I recently had my own gleeful unwrapping of my “skinny clothes”, only to be suddenly and vividly informed of all the ways in which fashion had changed in the last many years. Did you know that pants used to come with an intentional bulge in the back? Seriously. I don’t remember noticing that at the time. So I excitedly unwrapped all my treasures only to find out that I’ve been saving mom jeans. Ack!
Your post was wayyyy better. Thanks for making me laugh my ass off (I wish!).
not awkward…great minds think alike…I guess even about underwear!
Dooce is SO last year…
Inquiring minds want to know: How did you do it?!
(As I sit here in too-tight granny panties…)
I am having similar panty issues. GAWD IT SUCKETH. I have no awesome fallback undies.
Holy cow! Sixty pounds! Woman you rock!
A but cheek in one hand? Seriously? that can be done? I guess I can put the cheek on my face in one hand.