Ranty12 Oct 2009 01:20 pm

6 Things I Didn’t Want to Encounter in a Gigantic Hay Maze this Weekend, but… Ugh… Did.

a30

6. Farts
5. Creepy twin boys in skull t-shirts.  One would say, “Follow me!” and run out of sight.  Then the other would appear at the other end and say the same thing.  I ran around in a circle for 5 minutes before I figured it out.  Identical giggling bastards.
4.  Puke.  FYI: When located in a pile of hay, it’s like quicksand.  Slippery, corn-strewn quicksand.
3. Shrieking, overstimulated, hay-maze-freaking kids who trampled me into the ground as they screamed OMIGODHAYMAZE.  PS:  Turns out, they were my kids.
2. Overweight middle-aged couple making out *ahem* passionately in a dead-end. Here’s a little public service message for you two: Ass cracks rolling around like sweaty pigs in a rather public blanket is not a valid expression of your love.  No, it is not.
1.  All those parents with well-behaved children who said in their fake innocent voices, “ohhhhhh I thought this was the exit” when I went the wrong way through the maze.  Bitches, I know.  And if you’d stuck out your foot and tripped my three-year-old when she’d darted back this way, you would have saved me the trouble of chasing after her.

9 Responses to “6 Things I Didn’t Want to Encounter in a Gigantic Hay Maze this Weekend, but… Ugh… Did.”

  1. on 12 Oct 2009 at 2:56 pm   deMoMo

    Eek – 5 would have freaked me out! Were they supposed to be in there? Or were they just having fun? And 2…….well, you said it all.

  2. on 12 Oct 2009 at 6:54 pm   Stone Fox

    we did the corn maze this year. calling my kids ‘children of the corn’ was way more fun inside the corn maze than just at home.

    of course, the little fart-knockers refused to co-operate and did nothing but bitch and whine the whole time so our corn maze experience lasted about 15 minutes.

  3. on 13 Oct 2009 at 7:36 am   Emme Bea

    Bwwaahhhahahahahaaa! “Identical giggling bastards” !!! Dear me, that’s just plain funny!

  4. on 13 Oct 2009 at 9:33 am   susan

    Awesome.

    Suddenly the idealic Rockwellesque images of hay mazes and pumpkin patches have been replaced by reality. Thanks for the bitch slap. Couldn’t you have posted this before I signed up to “help” out with the preschool harvest fieldtrip?

  5. on 13 Oct 2009 at 10:14 am   Spacemom

    Heh- Evil twins…are there any other kind?

  6. on 13 Oct 2009 at 10:21 am   Deebie

    #1 cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh!

  7. on 13 Oct 2009 at 10:52 am   Manda

    I would have gladly tripped your kid for you. Anything I can do to help. :)

  8. on 14 Oct 2009 at 9:51 am   Trenches of Mommyhood

    Those evil twins? Holy Children of the Corn!

    Oh wait, it was hay, wasn’t it?

    My bad.

  9. on 14 Oct 2009 at 3:39 pm   Lucrezia

    I was going to comment on the twins, but people beat me to it? What finally tipped you off that there were two (vs, I guess, the idea that you had fallen into an alternative evil child teleporting world)?