Psychological Autopsy of CrankyPants
I’m in this bad place lately where my deletey finger is rubbed raw from use. I dunno. There is a difference between 1) getting up the guts to say something even though you are embarrassed versus 2) realizing you have to say something even though it is stupid. Here is my stupid:
I wrote a book. My mother hates it. I can’t get over to the promised land of “Oh well, too bad she feels that way”, nor can I accept passport to the world of “OK, I’ll wait until she’s dead to pursue publication.” This issue is further conflicted by the fact that my mom is almost never negative about anything I do. In writing what I did, am I doing something that is wrong and damaging? Or am I pathetically losing my mommy-disapproval cherry at thirty four fucking years old? God. Either option is squeamish.
Also from the category of Anne’s Embarrassing Enmeshment with Her Mom, I must tell you that my mother went back to work when her third daughter was 5 months old. Within a year before to the birth of my Little sister, both my mom and dad almost died of unrelated illness. This experience lit a fire under my mom’s ass to get a job for which she could put a roof over our heads should my dad decide to ‘clock out early’.
My mom going back to school/work had a big influence on my decision to be a SAHM. Or at least it did back in those days back before I had any idea of what being a mom was all about. But, surprise! Here I am, just like my own mother, with three daughters and my youngest 6 months old, and I am having some kind of mom-life crisis.
I wonder if it’s because I have 1) never seen a parent master taking care of three kids at the same time, and therefore have no idea how to do it myself* or 2) the unconscious drive to recreate my family of origin is playing with me. Either way, there are times where I feel like I am completely incompetent. And when I say ‘there are times’, I mean that to reflect that I’ve already had one of those times today and it’s not yet 11:00 in the morning.
When I was telling my husband this a few months ago and feeling terribly ashamed at all my failure, I also mentioned that I am glad we have three. He told me he was worried I resented one or more of the kids. I guess I could see why he might think that, with me crying until I was dehydrated like I was. Here’s how I feel though (and particularly felt back in the newborn days with number three when no one was getting any sleep): If I were driving a car and we all got in a bad wreck, I would be scared. I might scream and cry while I was figuring out how to fix things. But I wouldn’t ever turn to the back seat and think this wreck was the kids’ fault.
One of the places I escape to has been writing this book. It hurts my ability to parent, because I’m stretching the limits of my sleep deprivation to do it. Sometimes, I think if I was smart enough to quit writing, I’d get enough sleep so I wouldn’t be such an overwhelmed mother, and then I wouldn’t feel the need to escape via writing. I also worry about my real motivation: If I actually got a job writing, it would be more work, not less. So maybe I am just like my mom – trying to escape into a full time job and lying to myself that if it makes enough money/is important enough to me/doesn’t put me in an office, then it’s not really leaving home. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t even remember anymore why I was so mad at my mom for working that I based my whole parenting on the idea that I’d SAHM, and now I’m spending my downtime from SAHMing working my ass off to get out of SAHMing, even though the idea of actually not SAHMing breaks my heart and my whole concept of who I am as a mom. I think there’s an acronym for kind of circular SAHMing logic: F.U.C.K.E.D.
* The onset of 3 kids in our house meant the influx of a parade of babysitters, housecleaners and such, so I never saw my mom or dad take care of our household unassisted after Little was born.
22 Responses to “Psychological Autopsy of CrankyPants”
Oh, sweetie. I feel you. I think we all have times of questioning our competence as parents–and especially mothers, since fathers in our culture still seem to be allowed to be the “parenting co-pilot” a lot more than we do.
Here’s the thing I always come back to for myself when I get overwhelmed and feel incompetent: mothers were never meant to haul the whole caravan alone. Look at any other traditional human culture, and tell me if you see women, isolated in a house by themselves, taking care of multiple children. It.Just.Isn’t.Done. Traditionally, people lived in multigenerational households and there was always a grandparent or aunt or cousin or SOMEbody around to assist with childcare/cooking/chores. Even in the pioneer families, the father was at least within calling distance out there in the field if something major came up.
Our current “ideal” of the SAHM (or SAHD), is truly an idiosyncracy of the industrialization and suburbanization of our culture over the past 60-70 years.
Also: way back when? No HGTV to make us all feel bad that we don’t have a live-in designer and stager.
Hope you feel better soon, and good luck with your book, mom-approved or not!
Please don’t feel guilty about taking time away from your kids, or not being the “best” parent in the world because you write. Being a SAHM or any kind of mom does not mean that your entire being and and life belongs to your children. I know it feels like it does, but it doesn’t. You are still an individual and you have your own needs to take care of in addition to your children.
I can’t imagine a better role model for kids than someone who did all of this for them and also (in her spare time) wrote a freaking book. That is seriously amazing, Anne. I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old and I can barely find time to comment on someone’s blog, much less update my blog, much less WRITE A BOOK.
My mom was a SAHM and I have to tell you that my memories of that aspect of my childhood are basically nonexistent. I’m sure she was a fantastic mom, but you know what? You just take it for granted because as a kid, that is your norm. She was home, she took care of us, that was how it was. What I do remember from my childhood was how proud I was of her because she was an artist (in her spare time). I didn’t resent the time she spent painting, sewing, etc. because I was too busy playing with my friends or sister. I really respected what she created and now as an adult, I respect that she took that time for herself.
Your kids don’t need you to spend every minute of their lives with them. They need you to be a happy, fulfilled person. I bet they will think it is pretty cool that their mom is a writer if you end up pursuing that. And I hope you do–you are clearly a talented writer and I for one would love to read your book, mom’s approval or not.
Let ME read your book! I am completely mystified as to how your mom can hate it. Really?
Really?
She hates it?
Anne, you are my SAHMutha-effing hero for writing. You did it. You wrote a book, a whole entire BOOK. I am sorry that your mom hates it… but you believed in it enough to WRITE IT! All of it! Holy CRAP, what you have done. You really owe it to yourself to pursue publishing.
Hates it? How powerful this must be, what you have written. Are you hugely blasphemous? Did you diss her personally? Again though… let me offer my services as a second opinion! I am not a professional, I cannot edit or proofread, but I can give you an “I am not related to you love-hate-meh” response.
I *so understand. BTDT of sorts, with my own special permutations. I wish I had great words of wisdom, but the best I can come up with is, I WANT AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF YOUR BOOK. No matter how long it takes for you to publish it. I’ll wait.
I am a total cyber stalker. I have been reading your blog for about 4 months. I have even gone back through all the archives and read every post. I am such a huge fan of your writing if you told me you published a manual on how to field dress a deer I would run out and buy it.
I am currently feeling like the fucktard mother of the century for a million different reasons, but I have not the skill nor the wherewithal to parlay that into witty blogging banter and post it for the enjoyment of thousands. I hope you decide to try to publish for my own selfish entertainment desires.
Girl, who cares what your mother thinks!!! I don’t think there is a real woman out there who does;t have an issue with her Mother. I know that my Mum was a SAHM and she sucked as a matter of fact she still blames us for her lack of accomplishment.
I am about to be a Mum again, we have a 2 year old. Quite frankly after I had my first I thought I had made the worst mistake in my life cause I felt like I would never ever be a good enough Mum for him. I think your feelings are completely normal, don’t doubt yourself! Your kids don’t know any better!!! Haha I’m kidding but not really, you are doing the best job you can worth out going crazy and still have tie to write a whole book. Nice…I love your blog just found it a week or so ago and I have to say you are way too funny and well written. I am sure you book is great! You go girl!!! Send it off and it will get published, have faith in your gift!!
I feel incompetent EVERY DAY and struggle to try and NOT do everything my mother did and yet DO the things she did, which is CRAZY TALK. And I only have one and I feel in over my head EVERY DAY, because I am trying to be a SAHM with a part-time job and it’s NOT WORKING. I cannot imagine two or even three. And the sick part is that I WANT lots of kids and I WANT to never appear that I resent my daughter because I DON’T. But this whole juggling thing really throws a wrench … because my free time is spent NOT on free time which really is a mind-eff. What I’m trying to say is I GET IT.
I too would read your manual on field dressing deer. …Though I would secretly hope that it involved a lot of lace and bonnets rather than guns and knives.
Anne,
I understand how your mom’s disapproval can stop you in your tracks (and I’m older than you). A mother’s influence is pretty big regardless of age or life stage.
Here is what I would ask myself in a similar situation:
* Is the book (overtly or covertly) about my mother? If so, would her portrayal be embarrassing or injurious?
* If the book is not about your mother in any way, could she see herself as being portrayed none the less?
* If the mother portrayal issue is not part of the problem and the book is fiction made of whole cloth, does your mother normally read for pleasure? If so, does she read this genre?
* If you mom’s a reader who doesn’t like the genre, then you’re fighting an uphill battle. Get the second opinion of someone who reads the genre a lot.
* If you mom loves the genre, but hates your book, is this a question of generational taste? If not, you may need to go back to the drawing board.
* If the book is autobiographical creative non-fiction (a la The Passion of the Hausfrau), you’re in difficult territory no matter what you say or how well you say it. Creative non-fiction of this sort easily alienates those we love. I suspect even gentle Erma Bombeck hurt some feelings in her drafts.
For the record, I was raised by an amazing SAHM (a professional teacher of the very best sort), and the extraordinary role model has only made my own sense of SAHM inadequacy more acute.
Our lives are more complicated. The house I grew up in had a party line phone and it never rang because someone needed my mom to make an online hotel reservation in the next 20 minutes, give directions, or look up the side effects of a common drug. Nobody went online to research car seats because there was neither online nor car seats. Kids just laid on the back ledge of the giant cars dreaming about computers from sci fi.
My grandmother couldn’t even drive until the year I was born. Think how much less people would expect of you (in terms of daily tasks) if you didn’t drive.
We live in a reshaped world and our elders often treat us as if we live in the (slightly) less complicated days of their childhoods. We’re expected to keep house like Martha (and her staff), manage our own household finances and retirements like Warren Buffet, maintain vehicles, chauffeur kids to every activity that anyone ever claimed made children smarter, faster, wiser, happier, more tolerant, and/or better looking. After that the single beeotch Oprah tells us not to be slumpadinkas in sweat pants and famous mom bloggers publish tutorials on how not to wear mom jeans.
I guess we should just cure cancer in our spare time.
GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (I’m shouting with you, not at you.)
I have nothing new, nothing useful to add, but my sister spun off a new phrase the other night during a late-night chat/vent/therapy session that seems to fit all sorts of unlikely scenarios: “The currency of motherhood is guilt and I am so fucking rich I can’t figure out how to spend it.” She also came up with this gem: “You win, mother. You win forever.” Not sure if that one relates in anyway, but it’s a pretty good stress reliever if you scream it at the top of your lungs. Probably should wait until said mother and all small children are out of the room, though. Of course, if you get said mother and all small children to leave the room at the same time, you might not want to do the screaming bit right away, but rather sit alone and soak in the silence. The screaming might send the signal that you are finished and welcoming them back and let’s be honest: We really don’t want that to happen, now, do we?
Love you!
Honestly? I’d love to read your book!
I am alwasy inpressed with SAHM. Because I would suck at it or would be in jail for toddlercide.
My mother told me that the third child creates a critical mass. After her third she actually considered leaving my father and having an affair. She didn’t do either but I think she could have matched you in the tears competition. Just when she had her third my dad took a job 5 hours away from where they lived and she was alone with all three kids. Then she had her fourth and she said it was amazing. One child was a lot of work. Two kids more than doubled the work involved. Three kids made life almost impossible and four seemed to even everything out. When my little sister was born it was a snap. She had her systems worked out, my older siblings were old enough to help out with chores, etc and she had learned what was important and what wasn’t. By the by my father quit the job in the city far away and came back to his school teaching job which did help her emotionally. Because he also did coaching and bus driving in addition to his teaching duties it didn’t help with any of the work at home for mom. When my daughter had three I could see the dynamics my mom had talked about. Three is the hardest number no matter what anyone else tells you. Good luck with your book! Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Argh, I wish I had some words of wisdom. I’m sitting here coming off a week of fighting tooth and nail with my husband all related to being a working mom to just one 9-month-old. We’ve reached an equilibrium again, but FUCK this stuff is just hard, you know?
I have two “go to” girlfriends when I am just convinced that I’m doing it all wrong and screwing up this little person. One is a SAHM coming from a WOHM house. She’s happy with her decision overall, but will usually console me with the phrase “but keep in mind the additional hours I’m sitting here messing up my own kids.” My other friend is a WOHM mom too and we spend hours consoling each other about how much we’re failing both work and our kids by not really being present for either one.
Bottom line is that being a mother is hard no matter how you slice it. I am simultaneously laughing and tearing up at susan’s comment that “the currency of motherhood is guilt.” If we weren’t feeling guilty, I guess we’d be doing it wrong.
You are an amazing mother and an amazing writer, and a tender soul and seriously funny to boot. It’s what keeps me coming back here and I would love to read any book you have to offer.
Does your mom give more feedback than “I hate it”? Do you have another person that you trust that can read it for you? Do YOU think the book is good?
I think you are over thinking EVERYTHING, and quite possibly the timing of book and third child is a coincidence. Or, you’ve reached an age where you know what you want, and it has nothing to do with the third child. Your mom may have reached the same conclusion with the advent of Little, but not BECAUSE of Little, just because of where she was in her life. Does that make sense?
Live your life, yo. Stop fretting about reliving your family of origin and just do the best you can. Listen to your gut, ignore your stupid fucking brain. (Not that you are stupid, but your brain is being a total turdball right now.)
Read this book. It is worth at least two years of therapy: “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. It is accessible, well written, funny and on target for most of our lives. It is about why we cannot figure out what will make us happy.
Anne – I’ve always felt that the moms who felt no pangs of guilt or worry over the job they’ve done raising their children were the ones to worry about. Did any of our parents do perfect jobs raising us? I doubt it. Will we parent our children perfectly – I know I won’t. But I try to get/do better every day.
As far as the book is concerned – maybe your mom says she doesn’t like it because she sees it as a reflection of – something? Maybe she is reacting personally rather that aesthetically.
Get the book out there – shop it around or self publish. I know *I’ll* buy it.
Second vote for Stumbling on Happiness. It’s amazing and blessedly NOT self-help.
I would buy a book written by you for sure! I never leave your blog without a bellyache from laughing. On that note, I awarded you the “I Give Good Blog” award. You can check it out at http://www.livinginthegray.com.
Woke up the other morning with a perfectly brilliant insight for you re moms, creative endeavors, utter self disclosure via said endeavor + no response or negative response. It truly was a concise, not-too-whiny, illuminating essay-ish rant that managed to evaporate in approximately 45 minutes. Haven’t gotten it back yet. Feel for you. Hope you’ve found your ground. Said it before and will say it again: I’d buy your writing in any form. Pay by chapter via e-mail? Absolutely. However, whenever, you MUST let us know. We insist. (gawd, I cannot believe you managed to get this done. bravo!)
has it occurred to you that maybe your mom just doesn’t have good taste in books? i mean, i know she’s your mom and all, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have crap taste in certain things.
also, i am a mother of three; even on the days where i get sufficient sleep, i still don’t know what the fuck i am doing. i think mostly i am just trying to keep them from drinking lysol or stabbing each other with the steak knives.
I also had a mom-life crisis when my 3rd child was around 6 months old. I think it’s a form of evolution speeding up or something like that.
You wrote:
“I’m spending my downtime from SAHMing working my ass off to get out of SAHMing, even though the idea of actually not SAHMing breaks my heart and my whole concept of who I am as a mom. I think there’s an acronym for kind of circular SAHMing logic: F.U.C.K.E.D.”
My husband and I just had this conversation last night. Tears may or may not have been involved. My third baby is 18 months old and I’m feeling… conflicted. I want to give her the time that I gave the others, but I’m at the point where I need more than cooking, cleaning and play groups. It is nice to know there are other moms out there experiencing the same emotional tug-of-war. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.