After I bitched incessantly about surfing the Crimson Wave yesterday, the husband presented me with one of my post-partum pads.
Ahem.
What? Give me a break. I don’t know why I wanted to keep a bunch of hospital grade pads. I just felt safer knowing they were in the back of the closet. In case I ever give birth to another baby and this time, the hospital is all out of pads or something.
Comeuppance is a bitch, isn’t it? For those of you not intimate with a post partum pad, here it is:
And here it is, to scale, next to my size 8 shoe.
And here it is next to my half drunk beer**. Which, by the way, was the main ingredient in making me laugh at my husband’s antics instead of throwing that shoe at him.
And here it is with my foot. Whooo-hooo! Watch out everyone! Anne’s drunk and showing some skin. On a pad! Nothin’ sexier than that:
And here the pad is, being modeled on a Cabbage Patch Kid, Circa 1983:
Because I hate to be outdone by him, I did wear that fat pad to bed. Well, not the one with foot and doll cooties on it, but one of its many brethren. I guess that rainy day I was saving them for did indeed come around.
And wheee! Bed was quite unmarked this morning. I taunted the husband that I may have to wear one of those sexy bad boys every night.
He taunted me right back that whilst I was sleeping this morning? The three year old found her doll riding a pad, just as I had left it following the end of our tipsy photo session.
“She had a lot of questions, Anne.” The husband said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I told her it was like a big band-aid and that you would explain the rest to her. Have fun!”
…..
And PS – How is it I have never heard about these moon/diva cups? It is like I have been in the dark ages! Can I pick them up at the grocery store or do I have to order them on-line?
**I know, I know. Coors light. But it is about 100 freaking degrees here, and our house has no air-conditioning. Anything else is like syrup.
15 Responses to “More Girly Stuff”
diva cups. i have one. don’t use it anymore, as my IUD has prevented the agony of wretched periods for me. i ordered mine online, but i *think* you can get them at most granola stores.
those pads are huge, but very handy.
i would have totally chunked the shoe.
omg!!! have you ever used a swiffer??? cuz the disposable, changeable pads used on the swiffers look JUST EFFING LIKE THOSE! They even have that same dry weave material thats on the always pads. And the absorbent blue core!!! HOLY SHIT CONSPIRACY.
p.s. you live in california and no air conditioning?!?!?! yikes! im in upstate ny and the summers here are like eight bitches on a bitch boat. Super Sticky!!!
Kate:
summers here are like eight bitches on a bitch boat. Super Sticky!!!
The husband and I are rolling on the floor laughing at this.
Anne
What? No hospital-grade mesh panties to go with? Please justify.
oh so smart to give a frame of reference with she and can of beer and actual foot for those what have not personally encountered a pad of this magnitude couldn’t possibly imagine. i too wonder at the absense of the mesh pantie. for i did love the mesh mantie. the mesh mantie made the grande pad plausible.
which OF COURSE i meant mesh pantie and NOT mesh mantie. the mesh mantie is a whole nother thing altogether.
Ha! Hilarious! Also, I totally took home some unopened mesh panties from the hospital because I couldn’t stand for them to throw them away when I probably paid $50 for them.
Damned. My own first flow was like a river. Of course, I assumed it wouldn’t be so bad by Day 3 and was OH, so wrong, and we attended Christmas on the Prado* and had mucho fun with those damnable pads with the won’t stick where they are supposed to but will every where else wings.
blech
*They can bite me with their “December Nights” boochit. It’s about Christmas and not Kwanza.
Or else, they can take down the lights, the trees, the presents, fire all of the Santas and leave it to the money grubbing vendors. 
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has those things saved! I think the reason I keep them is to feel that maybe I’m not done having kids (even though I have a 2.5-yr-old and 3-mo-old twins!).
HOLY CRAP! I have given birth three times and I have NEVER seen a pad of that magnitude. That thang is easily four times wider than what I toted around in my drawers. Come to think of it they had me double up for the first few days… but YIKES!
Don’t know about moon or diva cups, but I LOVE the keeper… http://www.thekeeper.com — I’ve had mine for 5 or so years now, and I would never go back.
OMG Anne! I’m so glad I discovered you last month – now this post is gonna make me dig through all your archives. You are so freaking hilarious.
Nice crotch Swiffer.
Hey! I got here from Dooce… I just HAD to tell you this is one of the most hilarious posts have read in a REALLLLLLY long time, and having a had a baby about a year and a half ago and having actually worn those things makes it even funnier. Thanks for the laugh!!
Saw your post at Dooce and followed your link……OMGFG!!! I am dying laughing….in tears!!!! hahahaaa I always referred to these maxitothemax pads as crotch matresses.
Ha, indeed a great cheer up kind of post, thanks for pointing me here! Now why do I remember my pad as being like 87 times that size though? Was it? Or is that just the postpartum dementia?