Honestly, what is the right response to someone who looks right at you, gestures to your enormous belly, and says in some half-irritated tone, “haven’t you had that baby yet?”
Because “um, no,” seems to lack something. Like a bitch slap.
Am very cranky these days. Would tell you details, but then ‘cranky’ just turns into ‘whiny’. And honestly, who needs that? Suffice it to say that everything annoys me. Un/Fortunately for both you and I, relatives descend today, which gives my free floating irritation a laser-like pinpoint on which to focus. And thus, whining ensues:
I woke up this morning to an email from my mother about how I was in no way obligated to meet up with relatives (who just happen to be here for Easter two weeks early. Not because of due date. Coincidence!) to spend this afternoon touring a bajillion antique boutiques and quilting stores in the area.
But in case I might want to go, here’s the itinerary! And all the places we could go for lunch! And they will be taking my 3-year-old with them! And if I do not want to go, please just shove the three-year-old through a crack in the front door, because once relatives see me, they will cry big, shiny tears if I don’t go with them. But! Don’t feel obligated. Honestly. Also, three-year-old will love going to many, many stores in which adults are distracted by talking and who will not be allowed to touch anything.
Also please reply to this email by Very Early In The Morning, or they will just show up and assume I want to go.
Un/fortunately, I woke up much earlier than my wiley mother must have suspected I would. Now I actually have time to ponder if I should go. Instead of just waking up to the doorbell and hordes of relatives descending. Do I fling my helpless child through the door and hide in the house? Tempting. But the child, she is so cute and seems to trust me. On the other hand, having to babysit my own kid, in tiny grandma stores, full of untouchables, while I am dragged about by the whims of aging tourists? Oh my slappy hand is getting all twitchy just thinking about it.*
Anyway, here’s last year’s Peeps are Evil for Easter. I thought about getting some chick-style Peeps and trying again this year. But in my current state, I would have inhaled them before they had a chance to do anything naughty. And then I probably would have gagged. And then I would have an obituary headline like Woman Dies Choking Chicken.
Here is the Bloggess, who is taunting executives through the mail. When I read this post, I was pretty sure she made this story up. But then I am reminded of every other post she has written and how they wind up true, and now I am not so sure.
And here is Amalah tweeting about the Aquarium. Which is quite a bit funnier than I just made it sound.
And here is The New Girl and her charming neighbor, Charlie Manson: licensed cattery owner and guy who left photographs in her mailbox.
Enjoy!
*Not slappy towards the child, who is cannot control acting like a three year old, but for my older relatives, who should know better.
21 Responses to “Still Here”
DON’T GO!!! If the grannies want to drag the 3 yr old to a lot of untouchable stores, let them learn the lesson. The grannies will fold long before the 3 yr old really suffers any damage, so it’s a win/win/win….you get a day of rest (or restish behavior), the grannies get a day with the Adorable Child, and the 3 yr old gets to manipulate grannies through tantrums and adorableness. You could even mention to the grannies that baby needs a few springtime clothes! Works every time with our nanas.
Send the kid and stay home – and get the peeps! I would love me some peeps right about now. Or pretzels. Hmmm…..wonder what I can score if I start landsharking around the office.
I vote go, fake labour, make them rush you to hospital, make them wait for HOURS in the lobby, and then make them take you out for ice cream after for *almost* making your baby come too early.
I see nothing wrong with shoving the child through a crack in the front door.
You poor thing!!
*gestures to the belly in sympathy*
and you should SO not go. Seriously.
Only go if you think wandering around antique shops with painfully puffy feet would be likely to start labor.
Personally, I’m ready to stroll across the surface of the sun if it would only start labor. Does anyone know if that would work?
To repeat myself from last year:
Peeps. Microwave. Expand, expand, expand-until-they-look-like-REALLYPREGNANT-peeps, (or the heads of people that comment about really pregnant people)and…BOOOOOM!!!! Deflate.
Hell no, don’t go! Send the innocent into the fray
and putcher feets up. Hilarious peeps tale from 08, thanks much for the hoot – hope you don’t mind, I shared it on FB (leaning on others for funny is good when it doesn’t come naturally). Shout out to Melina for the expanding peeps show. Is there an ideal number of peeps for maximum effect? Traditional or multi-color? Time? Power setting? Simmering questions need answers. I haz google?
RE: 3-year old. She’ll have to learn about relatives sometime. And antique shops. You, on the other hand, sound as if you’ve already learned that lesson. I says spread the joy of education on to someone else and send her out into the fray. Then you can nap. Or ponder the intricacies of the universe. Or inhale Peeps. It’s all good.
I hope you stayed home… and took a long nap or something. Good luck with the last of your pregnancy. Try not to bite the heads of any innocent bystanders.
did you go?
did you end up having that baby instead?
bwahaha..kidding.
*runs and hides*
I think I’d send the kid. She’s going to need therapy anyway, because all kids do, so at least you’ll give her something interesting to talk about.
I agree with Mr. Lady! Ha ha ha! Good one
I guess brains skip a generation in your family?
I believe the correct response to that first question is, “Yes… a week ago. What are you saying?” *blink blink*
Then start to cry a little.
I vote to send the kid. She’s too young to comprehend that she got dumped off on the relatives so Mommy could stay home and get some peace and quiet. Thanks for reposting the Peeps. Loved them even more this year!
The PEEPS! I missed those naughty peeps. (Peep-hole, heh heh.)
Oh, and before I forget…I bought you a Cadbury’s Egg.
Stay home & take a nap!
Did you get my e-mail???
Actually, I think you should go. Cause, you know, you might find some really good stuff. Like maybe some antique white carpet to line your shower walls with. Since you don’t already have enough carpet in your life.
But srsly, haven’t you had that baby yet?
Re: “haven’t you had that baby yet?”
Had mine Monday, left hospital without him Wednesday (NICU for jaundice). Went back later that afternoon to nurse him, and nice old lady in the elevator asked when I was due. The look on her face when I said “I gave birth two days ago” made me laugh out loud!
Husband was impressed I could laugh about it. Told him if someone asked me that question again in a month, I would bawl my eyes out.
Hope your waiting is over soon. Good luck.
That is the kind of thing my mother would do. Sigh!